I am ok.
I am back where the water is and where the soft mist engulfs, away from the biting cold and ice that scrapes the skin when you fall.
Somehow it hurts more than when you are warm and hurt yourself. It is a thud on numb skin which already aches from the cold.
I am back where I can hear the waves roar and they aren't within me.
Where I can see them crash but they are on the sand instead of over my head.
I still have the bad days, but the feelings of drowning are less and I am starting to be able to keep my head above water again.
Depression is the shattering of the soul, the breaking of the mind. Your identity disappears and someone less takes your place.
I did not like my lesser self.
She was bitter and angry. She was empty. She was a husk with a pinched brow who didn't know how to feel joy anymore.
She couldn't find solace in anything.
My lesser self strained under the weight of her world in silence. Always needing to do for herself, but resentful because no one could help.
My lesser self created her own secret hell.
My lesser self needed help, but it took forever to get the courage to say it out loud, even longer to actually go get it.
My lesser self had become lesser because her brain lacked what it needed to be whole and functioning.
It needed to cry for help. It needed to scream with its mouth gaping and fists clenched, "I AM NOT DOING OK."
"I AM NOT FINE!" Even if the scream was heard as a whisper beneath breath in the midst of unsure tears.
My lesser self is still in the back of my mind, waiting for me to stop my meds.
Like a monster in the darkness, with clacking claws and gnashing teeth.
I will always have to fight that monster, to push it back and tell it that it can't have me today, it will not steal the peace that comes from lifting my face to the misty Coastal rain. It will not steal the deep breaths I take, allowing myself to be still and smell the forever green forest outside my window.
No, you will not have me today.
It will not take away the moments of peace I find, even if they are just slivers of the day.
I will not let it consume me this time.
Today, I will not be lesser.
Today, I will be more.