I should start by apologizing. Not because I will tear your heart. But for meeting you. For letting you in the ceaseless storm of my life. I need to apologize for being selfish and not allowing you to receive the love you deserve. For saying “it’s not you, it’s me.” It is me. I’m messed up real bad. And the ugly fact is that I can’t do anything about it.
Nothing had ever scared me until I realized that I can ruin the lives dear to me. It paralyzed me more than the thought of ruining myself. People have hurt me too many times until I became numb. Every time something bad happened, it was like yet another layer of vibranium shielded my heart. I always pushed people away, maybe for the fear of getting hurt or hurting them.
Then you come along just like the rain, to annoy and soothe me at my low points. I never can comprehend why you hover around the person who consistently pushes you away. And just like that, my sanity will get the best of me. I wouldn’t imagine a day where I didn’t bicker with you; where you didn’t pull my leg’; where you deliberately did not speak loudly to get my undivided attention. I wouldn’t imagine a day without being within your proximity. And that is where I should quit. But I know me. I wouldn't be able to.
Unfailingly, I would go along this dreadful emotion called love. While you will offer me that calm, I will be preparing a hurricane. I will love staying up all night just to hear your voice; I will love your old school notes between our classes; I will love the time when you tickle me for no reason; our secret after-hours rendezvous’; our stare games during the lectures; our food fights and romance; I will love debating over things that don’t matter; I will love your annoying little heart with all my spirit. What will go wrong then?
I will happen. I will realize it isn’t ethical for you to love a breathing corpse. I will realize that all good things come to an end. Soon, I could ruin you beyond repair. If only I can love myself the way I will love you, I would never fear breaking you. You will touch my heart, cradle it, and I will push you away before the force of vibranium collapses on you.
I am not justifying what I am about to do. I am just saying that sometimes; the time is wrong for 2 people to come together. In our case, I will be wrong. I am writing this letter to you so you find closure and the girl who showers you with love more than what you deserve.
For years, I have been trapped here without a trace of escape. I have been floating around in this boundless ocean waiting for your lifeboat. Swimming is frivolous when you don’t recognize the direction you’re moving.
All my eyes can perceive is this ocean expanding rapidly with the season. I have counted my years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds under the scorching sun. I’ve tried to drink but all I feel is salt.
At first, I was strolling on it. Slowly but steadily, the water reached my feet, then knees, then chest and now it rests comfortably till my neck. While the wind is tranquil, the water is intense.
One day I realized that the liquid I was floating in for over a decade was not water at all. They are tears, hence they're salty.
Someone once suggested never interrupt your tears from escaping their home, for they belong on your cheeks. The only problem is… I believed that someone and look how that turned out.
I'm waiting for you to liberate me from this ocean of misery. I'm waiting for you to not let my tears cover me whole. I'm waiting for you to hear my wails and screams that have been silent for too long. I'm waiting for you to make me realize that this is not the end. I'm waiting for you to hold me tight in your comforting arms. I'm waiting for you to calm my worst jitters. I'm waiting for you to make me know that I'm enough. I'm waiting for you to take my hand and take me to our sweeter place. I'm waiting for you to wake me up from this nasty nightmare. I'm waiting for you to not let me drown.
Will you come? Are you on your road? Or am I chasing a cloud?
I have finally joined Instagram, so you can follow me there. The username is daffonix.