I kept your trinkets
Your warm fuzzy sweaters
And wool socks
The loose black sweat pants
With the pockets
The plastic purple spoon
With a cute character molded into the handle. The one from that time you took me out to that frozen yogurt place and I didn't realize they charged by weight.
I'm an expensive best friend!
I kept all the gifts you sent after you moved away and assimilated into your brand new life. The one you painstakingly carved out for yourself, the one you curated with the help of some photos on Pinterest.
I kept the plastic fortune cookie with the gold and purple puzzle charm, the one that opens so I can hide my secrets inside it.
I kept the candy-pooping unicorn and I can't help but laugh each time I walk by it, it's sheeny plastic surface reflecting all the colors we loved.
I kept your hand sewn things, cherishing all the time your beautiful, pale, delicate hands put into them. I marveled at your attention to detail, your perseverance.
I kept all the gifts I bought you but did not send. The custom mixed holographic nail polishes with your name hand painted on the bottles, by my now shaky hand. I kept so many meaningful little markers of how I loved you. I don't know why I never mailed them. I was blocked maybe. In denial that you and I would most likely (and especially now), never see each other in person again. We'd never laugh together or cry together at things only the two of us could understand.
Because there are times for things and people. My time was before. Before your new life. And as you had grown and blossomed, I had stayed the same. Stagnating in my self made prison. Alone and lonely and feeling the loss of our deep sisterhood like a mourning.
Yet each time I thought of you and laughed, remembering our funny jokes, or cried knowing I needed to talk with you but didn't ever want to burden you with the same old issues...like a signal sent, you would message me. With little hearts and love.
And it always amazes me, our connection. I know you would say I'm never a burden. I know you would say I'm no bother, that you'd always make time to listen and help and cheer me up. You'd pull me out of my own darkness and into the real world again.
But there is a part of me that doesn't feel I'm good enough anymore. Not by your judgement, but by my own. I see what I am. What I've let myself become. A de-evolution of a once vibrant woman.
So I stir my coffee each morning, with that plastic purple spoon from the yogurt shop, in alternating coffee mugs you sent me. One with rainbow stars and one with that yellow sun I crave. Because only you know me truly.
And I sleep in your black sweats wearing your blue and green knit socks. And I laugh alone at our jokes. I smile when I watch other best friends on youtube, I laugh and then I cry.
And like a clockwork of the universe your heart emojis come magically floating in, just as I needed to be reminded...that this is only done if I allow it to be.
And like so many other things in our lives, maybe I shouldn't make this decision without consulting you first. My other half. My velcro twin.
I'll think about it. Until I decide, I'll keep to my rituals of trinkets and hand-me-downs.
They keep me sustained in your absence.
Always loving you.