The Way You Damaged ME
I wish you were focused on being there for me instead of parenting me. I don’t even have a relationship at all with you, I can barely even call you my mother. You always said “I’m your mother not your friend” but I needed you to be my friend when I was not allowed to have any. The pain and scars you put on me were unbearable. I tried many times to leave but I considered what that’d do to you instead. I once told you I didn’t like you but I got laughed at and everybody knew of it. I tried talking to you still after, but my words got pushed down or ignore. Nothing I did was ever good enough for you. Not my grades, my attitude, my room, my looks, my smile, my speech, nothing. Everything I do had to be perfect. I had to be the perfect daughter to make up for my siblings mistake. Maybe I would come out of my room every now and then. Maybe I wouldn’t hate holidays because those are the days you’re home. I couldn’t get too close to family or friends cause I had to hear something negative about it. You broke my self esteem, my courage, my love, my happiness, my self love, my heart, my trust in you, myself and others. You broke me. Maybe if you had spend time with me like you did them, tried talking to me like you’d talk to them or even listen when I talked, things would be different. Maybe if you had picked me up instead of putting me down, I would be different. Maybe if you hadn’t shown your love with whatever was in hand reach or with those hateful words I wouldn’t be so broken. But it’s all just a maybe at this point and I don’t know how to get out. I can’t trust, don’t know how to really love or even accept it. All I know is self sabotage, hurt, brokenness and nothingness. Yes I smile a lot and I’m playful and I try my best to be someone else, to be someone happy, to make people happy but deep under my mask I’m just empty. If only you hadn’t make me this way, who would I have actually been? Happy maybe? Trusting maybe? Healed maybe? Lovable maybe? I’d even just settle for not damaged maybe….?