I Will Pay That Extra Five Dollars
My body shakes as I manifest these thoughts inside my head, for the hundreth time today.
Fear dripping down my face, as it slides down my cheek and soaks up into my shirt.
As I always told myself, don't worry so much or you'll kill yourself.
Wishing a therapist would tell me that someday.
But instead of just high blood pressure and possibly a heart attack in the future, I can't step outside without somebody with me.
The thoughts of just going across the street, is just haunting.
Its not that I fear getting hit by a car, it's just a million other things, and including that actually.
Like what happens if someone greets me or what if I fall into the road? Or what if I do get hit by a car, and they just keep going? Oooor, what if a car comes speeding down the road, slams into another car and then by impact, both cars will slam into me? Or what if... Okay... Pause.... But I can't pause, because if I do, then how would I know how to react, if that situation or the other situation, or the other situation happens?
So may as well make the most of it, and stay inside.
But I really need to go to the store!
Outside is dangerous. We don't know what is out there.
What could happen to us, or what kind of situation we could get into.
We'll ask one of our friends or family, to come with us.
But what if I'm being annoying or seems like I'm just using people, or what if they can't come?
Chewing my nails, knowing I shouldn't have to worry like this. Palms getting moist, heartbeat rising, as it feels like I just drank three shots of espresso.
While my leg is thumping like the rabbit in the Disney movie Bambi.
I need to get things done today, but I can't if I can't.
What happens if I don't get anything done? I will look like a slob, I will look like I don't care about my household, I will look like I'm mentally incapable when in reality I know I am better than this, but I know if I don't get anything done, I'm just an embarrassment to others as I am to myself, and if I don't go to the store for soap, my dishes won't be clean and when they're not clean, then take out it is. I won't even need to acknowledge the delivery person's existence, if I pay with card.
Card it is!
Pizza or Chinese? GrubHub or Doordash?
Funny enough, high delivery fees are nothing when you have anxiety like me.
I will pay that extra five dollars, just so I don't have to go outside.
I will pay that extra nine dollars, just so I don't get hit by a car.
I will pay that extra sixteen dollars, just so I don't get into an accident.
I will pay just about anything, just so I can avoid any possible harm to myself.