6 posts
  • bouncy 2w

    12:50am 10/05/2022 #bb_umb

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    Unsent message to my mom on bed #6

    Ma, I don't know what's happening. I am lost and I am scared. I don't do much in a day. People around me think I'm being lazy. But maa, I can't function well and I am barely surviving. I struggle to get out of bed every morning. Gulping down food feels heavy. I had no idea when I got depressed that I wanted to sleep all day. All I think about is different ways to kill myself. It scares me because I'm writing everyday and you know when and why I write right? And maa, my panic attacks are back and I don't know how to stop them. Today evening, I was in the shower and I was trying to grab my towel but my hand got frozen, my arms dropped to my side, my body sank into the floor and I found myself crying. Maa to escape the loneliness, I now talk to more people than I usually do but I still feel lonely. I don't tell anybody about anything because I can't find a beginning or an end to start with. I want to make things better for us, but It feels too much to cope with. As I don't talk about where and with what intensity it hurts, people think I'm strong. But maa, I'm not. I don't talk about it because I'm afraid they would look at me with sympathy instead of care. Telling me that I'm strong is only putting me under more pressure to not look vulnerable. I'm sorry maa, I want to make things better for us but I feel like I'm not trying hard for it. I feel stuck and confused. And I'm really sorry I can't help. 

  • bouncy 30w

    11:40pm 28/10/2021 #fiction #bb_umb

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    Unsent message to my mom on bed #5

    It's been a while uh?
    Well, I tried writing to you ma. I did and that made me realize I haven't just shut myself vocally but also through the words, through writing, the easiest escape of all. And now, it's like all the doors are shut and I'll have to live in this darkness forever.

    "A narcissist cannot love."
    I'm still trying to accept this ma. He gave me trauma instead of affection. His love came with a tag which says, terms and conditions applied. The silent treatment he gives me is worst than anything ma. He ruined my teenage. And lately, I've been missing myself. I miss singing out loud in kitchen, telling you "I hate you" just because I want to talk, all the time. But talking drains me now. I'm sorry I don't talk much these days ma. The words keep lingering in my head but I can't figure why don't they just come out.

    Well, you know how I always sleep because I love dreams right? But ma, now the dreams are as scary as the real life and there's no way to escape. I hate sleeping too.
    Amidst all the chaos and the suicidal thoughts that has resided in my head, it's you who keeps me alive.

    So ma, as I always request you,
    Please don't leave us ma.
    Stay for a while. Take a later flight.

  • bouncy 50w

    11/06/2021 10:30pm

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    Unsent message to my mom on bed #4

    Ma, please don't die now. Listen.
    What you told me about dad isn't really true
    He isn't as good as you think
    He is a narcissist ma. He is an abuser.
    Being a self centered man,
    he never truly loved us ma. Immature he is.
    He uses us for his own good and blackmails us emotionally, pointing out our weaknesses.
    He always blames us for everything making us
    feel unworthy and unconfident.
    He body shames us ma. He calls us names
    and now we aren't doing fine mentally.
    We are depressed and anxiety attacks
    Every time he passes through us.
    We are indecisive and we live in a home of guilt.
    He sows seed of doubt in our head, gaslights us.
    He is not really the man who you think he is ma.
    But ma, don't worry. We'll get through it ourselves.
    We borrowed your blood, we got your genes,
    giving up is never your thing nor ours.
    As I promised you,
    I'll get a farm house soon which you asked me for.
    I can see us living struggle free life in future.
    So, please don't leave now ma.
    Stay for a while. Take a later flight.

  • bouncy 53w

    5:30am 18/05/2021 #bb_umb

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    Unsent message to my mom on bed #3

    Please don't die now. Listen.
    I'm sorry dad forgot to get you a dress which
    he promised he would get one on your birthday
    But ma, can I see you draped in a saree for once?
    My friends think you are my sister in that look.
    I will stitch you one dress myself though,
    Turning your saree into dress material.
    Because of the pandemic
    we couldn't get you a cake either
    I will bake one myself. Even though I know
    you won't bother about the taste and shape
    I'm sorry beforehand if it turns out to be a shit.
    I want to celebrate your every birthday like
    you celebrated my first birthday
    I will get you a big pack of KitKat, your favourite.
    I will call your mother to our home,
    I know you miss her. She wants you too.
    She phoned me. I can hear the agony in her voice.
    Happy birthday ma.
    I wish I could hold you tight while saying this.
    But I know I couldn't, so I hope
    Atleast in coming years, I couldn't let go of your hold.
    My blemished cake wants to linger in your mouth. The saree murdered into dress want to live on your skin.
    So please don't leave now ma. Take a later flight.
    I need you. We all need you.

  • bouncy 54w

    2:20am 11/05/2021 #bb_umb

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    Unsent message to my mom on bed #2

    Ma please don't die now. Listen.
    Yesterday evening sun laughed at
    my agonized looks. He said I look pathetic
    I told him there's someone more
    beautiful than his sunsets and sunrises
    He didn't believe so I showed him your picture
    He cried out of jealous and
    asked me if he could meet you for once
    Ma, will you walk upstairs to watch
    sunrises and sunsets with your little baby?
    I'll request sky to paint herself orange and red
    the shades of colours you always loved
    Last night I was searching for the moon in the sky
    I assumed buildings blocked me from the sight of him
    But the stars told me he heard from the sun and
    Now he wanted to meet you as well
    Ma, will you walk me to the sight of moon?
    because I love him and can't fall asleep not watching him
    Tonight the stars will setup a meeting
    so that they can form the constellations of you and me
    I'll request clouds to pour rain in the form of love.
    Ma, don't leave now. Take a later flight please.
    I need you. Nature needs you.

  • bouncy 54w

    9:07pm 09/05/2021 #bb_umb

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    Unsent message to my mom on bed #1

    Ma. Please don't die now. Listen.
    I'm learning to cook better
    I've learned hundreds of recipes
    I shit you not we shall cook with wine
    You should try each of them and appreciate me
    I don't spill milk on my cloths anymore and
    I don't spread mango all over my face too
    You should see me drink and eat like a grown up girl
    I stay under bed for a while, while sweeping the room and I no more leave any corner uncleaned.
    You should watch me not leaving any corner and
    be here to drag my ass from under the bed.
    I'm learning to connect the dots with straight lines
    Neighbors say my rangoli looks like
    the one drawn by you on my birthday
    You should listen them talk about me comparing with you
    I'm learning to sew the dress
    without any cross stitches or cross cuts,
    Neighbors say I could be a fashion designer like you
    You gotta tell them I'm not gonna be one and that
    I have different plans and I had your support
    I'm not throwing anything at others in anger
    I'm staying in control as you always say
    You should see me not losing shit
    I've learnt to braid my hair very well
    I swear I won't force you to oil or braid my hairs anymore
    I don't want you to do anything for me
    But I think you know I still do all of those things
    I said I don't anymore
    Just stay here. Stay with me. Stay with us.
    Ma, please don't go now. Take a later flight.
    A long later flight. I need you here ma.