Miraquill
Silent
When you begin
Your anger welling up
From within
I don't know where to go
I want to help
It's my first reaction
When you are angry
Or frustrated
And you yell out
In absolute
Exasperation
Because the world presses down on you
And me
In different ways
And you don't let me help
So I want to run away
Or cry
Because every thing is
My fault
Always
And always was
And always will be
From the time I was small
Till this time now
Being old.
So. I have learned (although it goes against every single part of me)
To stay silent
Or go away from you.
Because I get angry too
And I need to remind myself
How much it affects you
When I do that to you too.
Although I rarely get angry with you
It is life or other people who continue to hurt me
But I cannot escape them
I am bound by obligation
Much like you feel you are to me
And your silence far outweighs
Mine
And it hurts to never speak or be spoken to
Now your anger has passed
As my panic has grown to an undeniable pitch
Until I spill out of myself
In tears and choppy
Barely sustaining breaths.
So I hide from you
To allow myself to be possessed
By the other spirit
Of chaos
Created from toxic shame
Guilt and self-loathing.
It tells me your life would be so much better
If I wasn't here-
And my life would be better
If I wasn't.
You and I would be free of this tether...
But I shush those voices
As I always have
As I always will
From a young girl
Until now
An old woman
with wrinkles mapped out on a face that carries sadness like it is all she has ever known.
I cry into the silence
And look around
As the chaos spirit
Lessens it's hold
Around my soul.
I am alone, and once again-
Silent.
Just the way you prefer me.
And the way I was always shown.
©mmbftd
#Seasonalaffectivedisorder
20 posts-
mmbftd
120w
Read More#fear#panicattack#anger#guilt#shame#sadness#alone#anxiety#majordepressivedisorder#seasonalaffectivedisorder#agoraphobia#mentalillness#relationships#marriage#hig'hsandlows#aging#loneliness#love#tears#pain#burden#suicidalideations#mmbftd#wife#men#strength#tolerance#monotony#moody#defeated#hope #love #friendship #life #thoughts #diary
13 0 1
mmbftd
138w
Slow
Tonight is slow
Like a drip of
Cold honey
Unmoved by my desire
For it
I want the hours to be minutes
So we can be together
Again.
But time is crawling
Tonight
Like freshly hatched Salticidae
Across my chest
I watch the air
Move inside and outside of me
My skin rising and falling
Tiny chills prickled my flesh
Waves
Chopping at me
Currents
Taking me
Hiding me from the usual
Passage
Of time.
Now all was slowed
As the orbit
Became a stretched out
Ellipses
Warped, elongated
A tube, as it rolled over into itself
And time began to speed up
And slow
Immesurably except to those of us who could feel it through our bodies.
And tonight dragged on
It took my body with it
A hostage dragged by chain-
Clanking loudly in my mind
Echoes thrown
All around this empty home
Sounds that should not be-
Are here.
And I glance nervously
My eyes straining to meet their sources.
I know I won't see them, I rarely do.
I feel the earth trembling
The quakes have increased
And much like time
They are mere markers of it.
Warped or not
Time is moving so slowly now
Like cold honey
Without the sweetness...
And somewhere far away
But close enough to seem like it is over my head
I hear the rustle of shiny black raven feathers
And it calms and frightens me
Simultaneously.
I miss you my friend
And those little sounds you made while perching for the night next to me.
You helped me with my passage of time and your feathers in my fingers gave me so much courage and love.
I could almost accept
That time was broken now.
And honey is cold and not sweet and you are gone forever and there are noises in this house and I am alone and waiting...for time to snap back into place again.
©mmbftd10 0
mmbftd
145w
I won't
I won't take it back
Have you ever stopped
A moment
A pause
To contemplate
We never age out of what we were born to be
And guess what my youthful friends?
When you get old
You've less impetuous
To pretend
That you are ok
And just right
A perfect peg in the perfectly shaped hole
Sawn out from hardened aged wood
Teeth and blades chewing you raw
Can we ever fit in?
Do we dare to truly want that?
I hum along
To the distant mourning doves
Bowing and cooing
For loves they've lost
And I too
Pine
Pine
Pine away
Smelling the fresh needles underfoot
Coo-oo-hoo-coo-coo
I hum along
Until my mourning
Morning
Is done.
And don't you want to know?
My youthful wishful kin?
How it all turns out-
In the end?
We still want to be accepted
And loved-
To belong to those
With a prettier face
Than soul.
Surface
Floating
There's no disuading us
From the pining
Pine
Pine
Pining away
For those who knew better than to stay
As your cracks revealed themselves
Like golden sunshine
Catches light
In all the wrong ways
Like the wrinkles smashed into my face.
And I'm here to tell you
It stays the same
Your still the one
You were meant to be
You were that all along
Before they told you what they said you should be
In the end
That all falls away
Like lizard skin
And prayers to the unknown
You are left with yourself
And those who want the cracks in you
In a delicate way
An appreciative way
Realizing
Your authenticity
Is worth more
Than a mask
That hangs around your necks
Smile children
Get to know yourself
Let go of the sculptors tools
No creation required
You are already all you are
All you will ever need to be
Nerds geeks jocks cheerleaders gays straights and inbetweens
Models mentors and intellects
Anyone is all they are
Already
I know
Because I'm still that shy girl
Sitting alone at the edge of the room
Not ever raising my hand
Scrawling in notebooks
And dreaming beautiful dreams
Content to be away from everyone
Even the ones
Trying to get in
Surrounded by animals
Who need me
Looking up at the sun
And living
And I won't take it back
I won't
And you shouldn't either.
©mmbftd8 0 1
mmbftd
146w
Read More#bpd#narcissistic#mother#pain#sorrow#regret#abuse#childabuse#psychologicalabuse#mentalabuse#emotionalabuse#powerless#controlled#manipulation#snake#evil#patterns#sick#anxiety#depression#majordepressivedisorder#agoraphobia#seasonalaffectivedisorder#chronicpain#chronicillness#words#motherdaughter#mommy#daddy#broken#dysfunctional#family#struggle#exhausted#hopeless#games#twisted#parentallove#relationships#venting
Broken
You broke me
I remember it exactly
Time and place
The bedroom
An email
Where a mother's words
Should have comforted me
But now only wounded me
Like a slithering viper's
Puncturing strike
Your fangs were always the longest
Of all the family
And so there
In that bedroom
At sunset
While sunset colored those drab beige walls red
My blood fell away from me
And the moment punctuated my life
Your venom spent
Now moved from you
Into my body
Spreading in my veins
Like the poison you have always spewed at me
And it broke me
Stole my future
Any hopes I had
Stole the baby in my womb
Without a blink of your eye
Never to apologize
For your strikes
And your jealousy seethed
Inside you
Churning round and up and down
A sea of discontent
As it has always been for you
And stealing my life has never built your joy
Yet you continue to step on my neck and hold me down
I am controlled by your every decision
A simple play thing
As I have always been
You broke me
And I remember the exact moment
Where for weeks I could not bear to rise up from my bed
Hopeless and in fear
Waiting for your next strike
I broke
And any vibrancy or joy I had
Drained out of me as your venom dissolved it inside me
Like an acid ball in my stomach
Bile in my throat
Night terrors of you and daddy killing me
And my brothers
I'm always powerless against you
And now, 10 years later
Lots more venom has moved inside me
Many more strikes have come and hurt me
And it's no surprise I am broken
Although I spend so much time inside my mind dreaming of the day I will become whole again
As times moves forward without me
Still I remain sad and broken
Bits of life seep into me here and there
And I have forgotten
Motivation and drive
I have forgotten
Health and vitality
I have forgotten
Romance and passion
I have forgotten
Tidyness and cleanliness
Everything is a chaotic mess
My home mimics my mind
Jumbled and fumbled and disintegrations
I'm old now-
Just like you mother.
When do you lose your will to sting and strike?
When can I stand on your viper neck?
If not to hurt you
To only subdue
Your violence of black heart and stone mind
When do the broken become whole?
Why must it be once you have aged and withered and shrunk away from your manipulations?
When time has twisted you into lost memories and confusion?
You are fading
Though I cannot help you
Much as I would
even though you have hurt me so profoundly
I would help
Because I'm obligated
Because I watched you do it for your own mother
But I cannot utter those words
That you NEED some help
For fear of another strike to my barely pulsing veins.
In your decline
I'm still powerless
And that is just the way you planned it
To maximize my suffering
If only I was younger
and healthier-
I could run away like before when the happiest days were the ones I spent living the most miles from you
But I can't
I'm stuck
Feeling powerless
With a man who is starting to remind me of you
Who blinded me with lovely words and gentle kisses on my forehead
And all I searched for in this life was someone to love who loved me back
Without any motives
For the purity
of companionship and shared dreams.
But I am broken
And my pieces are scattered far apart
In this house
Under piles of projects I once was so inspired by
Hidden in piles of laundry
Under clothes I'll never wear because I only leave this house twice a month
if I'm lucky.
I'm broken
Under the weight of pain
Mental and physical
Drowning in the putrid waters of toxic people looking for a nip at my heart
So they can rejoice in my pain.
I am broken
I'll never be the same
And I remember the exact moment it happened
As the sunset turned my bedroom walls red.
And your words destroyed me.
©mmbftd15 3 3
mmbftd
153w
Read More#chronicpain#pain#focus#wood#woodgrain#thoughts#heartbeat#sad#depression#anxiety#hopeless#expected#distraction#integration#drugs#painkiller#meds#necessity#oldage#old#bodies#degeneration#aging#sorrow#time#life#reflection#bored#lonely#seasonalaffectivedisorder#painmanagement#nocure#syringohydromyelia#degenerativediscdisease#thoughtful#compassion#love#selflove
Today
Today will be a crawl
An unruly creature
Without manners
Pain is embedded
Twisted
and framed by familiarity
Woodgrain patterns
Oak and birch
Spirals indicate time spent
Here
And how much have the others
Endured?
My pain is not unique
It is only me
That can claim uniquely my own characteristics.
Today I see out
From this hot fire
Grinding
Throb
With every heart pulse in my chest
Every deep breath attempted
Throws a stiff splintery board
Across my back
And standing will not be in today's agenda
Sitting still
Focus on getting breath
In
And
Out
The temper of an old clock
Motivated by habit alone
And survival
Of course
Because we all must survive
And in this hot scorch day
As sun burns spring's flowers down
Until they are bent
Begging for relief
And crisp from exposure
And isn't that me too?
Bent
Like warped wood
The grain morphs into shapes
No longer definable
No longer
Recognizable
Fear is smothered
By expectation
I know what each day brings now
There are no more surprises
A surprise would be
A day without being shackled
To this twisting wreckage
Of a body
And age tells me this is how it is
How it always has been
And there are others far less fortunate than me
But occasionally
As I sit hunched
Trying to match my breath
To my heartbeat
I do indulge
In feeling sorrow
For what has been lost
And can never be regained
And pain
Pain is my only suitor now
My incessant stalker
In the long blue night
My lover
Wrapping me up
Too too tight
Woodgrain patterns
Swirling
I follow them in circles
To hypnotize myself
Away from this old body
Like records played in those far back days
The needle once made music
Now it makes me integrate
Patterns
Like woodgrain
Impossible to break.
©mmbftd18 0 1
mmbftd
154w
Read More#joy#now#future#past#mind#memory#history#narration#storyteller#director#thinker#contemplation#hollow#moving#time#confusion#connection#sever#ties#bonds#creation#holdingon#baffled#existing#living#confounded#selfsabotage#shallow#avoidance#empty#mmbftd#depression#anxiety#seasonalaffectivedisorder#cptsd#writer#therapy#questions#searching#soul#insight
Is there?
Is there still joy?
I have memories of searching
And almost catching it
But I was fooling myself
I was acting
Playing house
With men who tolerated me
Until they couldn't
But by that time
I had beat them to it
By throwing them out
Throwing them away
Before they could deliver
Their dreadful messages of
Goodbye.
I remember experiencing things
Always in the future or past
But never in the now
I am incapable
Still
Of being still enough
In body and mind
To do that.
"Now" eludes me
Much like love
Or even knowing what that is.
Such a strange way to exist
Being a narrator
A film maker
Of my own life
Like never having any control
Only foreshadowing
Or
Recounting
Moments I've been a part of.
I used to plan elaborate things
As I lay in bed
On a school night
Plotting
What I might say
The next day
Should someone want to speak to me
I plotted how I would stand
And look in my clothes
How I would be perceived
By the other little kids.
The next day would come
I would follow my plot line
And it never worked out how I wanted it to
No one wanted to speak to me
No little friends
And had I made them
I wouldn't have enjoyed them
Being so incapable of enjoying moments.
Stuck up here
Inside my head
Reading the script of my life
Not yet lived
Or turning the yellowed, stiffened pages of my own history
As a bedtime story
For only me.
Tell me, is there joy?
I've forgotten to experience it.
Is it out there? Or in here?
I'm stuck
And slowed
And no wiser
Though the catalogues
Of my life are considerable now.
Tell me is there joy?
(She asks into the darkness.)
©mmbftd140 5 6
- _n_i_t_w_i_t_ I do share a similar life tale.
- nim620 Thats beautiful ❤ there is still joy
- mmbftd thank you.
- mmbftd @_n_i_t_w_i_t_
- mmbftd @nim620 thanks so much, yes, I know you are right.
mmbftd
172w
Read More#skinny#hungry#razors#blood#youth#learning#erasing#analog#music#healing#depression#seasonalaffectivedisorder#anxiety#growingup#memories#commonground#generational#incommon#musicislife#cymatics#records#static#needles#cycles#round#repeating#listening#reachingout#love#Missingyou#life#scatteredthoughts#mmbftd#gratitude
Skinny
We were young
Fresh
Dirty
Out on our own
Free from our parents
Hovering eyes
Free from entitled
Suburbia
We wanted to starve
To feel something real
To fight for something
Important
More important than ourselves
We were skinny
No money to eat
Noodles filled our bellies and brains
Struggling
For meaning
When the truth had been withheld
We knew nothing of the world
It was closed off
And kept from us
From learnin
The truth
That I am me
And you are too
And we are one
Math doesn't divide
They do
On purpose
One is the numeral that deceives us all
Infinite
Skinny
Hungry for knowledge
This lesson repeats
For anyone strong enough
To put the needle down.
Older not wiser
Listening though I'm deaf
By the music that lifted me up and away from myself to connect with you
There was always something to that
Static pause before the needle drops
Listen
Now they wiped away that static
Analog destroyed
Lightened
Raped
Dissolved
Lasers don't have that dramatic pause
Before the music message drops
There is no time to wait for pauses now
The pregnant pause
Is miscarried
Like justice
And skinny
Girls
Want out of themselves
Just like all the others
They try to emancipated their souls
As red blood comes to the surface
Lines to follow
Scars to mark the passing of your life
And I see your pain
Take it in
Then purge it out again
I can barely hear the static anymore
Do you?
Slinking away to isolate
Give me back my soundtrack
So I can share with you
Drop the razors and take up
The staff
Up on that treble clef
Slink under the covers of bass
Beating like our hearts
Fast and pure
Undefined.
We were once young
Like you.
©mmbftd2 0
shalanosa
179w
Read MoreSeventeen
I'm thirty
Two but
Inside I'm
Just a
Troubled
Seven
Teen
#seventeen #17 #teenageyears #thirtysomething #lookingback #ageisjustanumber #troubled #headspace #writersnetwork #mirakee #mirakeeworld #readwriteunite #writersofmirakee #pod #prosemasqueradingaspoetry #writers #poetry #shalanosa #originalcontent #creativewriting #mentalhealth #mentalillness #depression #ptsd #sad #seasonalaffectivedisorder #anxiety #ptsdlife
@audreylanegreySeventeen
I'm thirty
Two but
Inside I'm
Just a
Troubled
Seven
Teen
©shalanosa16 0
shalanosa
180w
Read More#writersnetwork #mirakee #mirakeeworld #readwriteunite #writersofmirakee #pod #prosemasqueradingaspoetry #writers #poetry #shalanosa #originalcontent #creativewriting #mentalhealth #mentalillness #cognitivedissonance #bipolar #schizophrenia #depression #ptsd #sad #seasonalaffectivedisorder #anxiety #ptsdlife #hellinmyhead #sobriety #sanity #overwhelmed #chaosinmyhead #grief #loss
Sobriety
Save me from sobriety,
Sweet angels of sanity.
©shalanosa24 2 4
mmbftd
172w
Read More#ww3#www#tarot#future#doom#paranoia#seasonalaffectivedisorder#sad#fear#anxiety#depression#prepper#conspiracy#chemtrails#futures#hide#switch#theory#dreams#childhoodMemories#tunnels#wash#fairvale#crazy#racingthoughts#isolated#truth#expression#love#scared#5G#solarradiationmanagement#notmychildhoodsky#mmbftd#covina#greenhavengang#static
The switch
My mind is broken
Like a switch
It flipped
The dark of night
Brings fear so deep
My bones are thick with the grip of it
And no one else hears
These thoughts
The echoing versions
Of doom and gloom
Look up
Look out
Find a place to hunker down
I'm not alone
Lots are talking
You just have to listen
And since my switch flipped
I hear it all
Like raw nerves
Picking up signals
Neurons firing
Till the flames are bright blue
With the knowing
And no one understands
I don't want to live through what is coming to us all
Hunkered down
Squatting in shelter
Crying
Lonely
Devastated by the air
Saturated with vaporized
Humans
And the rat race has desensitized all the rats
In mazes
Following that cheddar
It is flammable and meaningless
No value
I feel the value lies inside
With the love we share
With each other.
And I'm here in my own box
Listening
To the fear
Ingesting this
Day in and day out
Daylight savings time
Mandela-ed
And empathed
And intellectualized
And inhaling
Nano particulates
The air is toxic but it's saving me from that burning fake sun
White hot scalder of flesh
My switch has been flipped
And my childhood memories are flooding back in
Places I almost feel again
Memories like pieces of puzzles
Trying to align
It means something
It leads me somewhere
I used to dream of seeing my town from above
I saw things that I could not have known
Those dreams linked up
And repeated
Those tunnels all lead somewhere
I'm gonna find it
But I won't go
I don't want to survive what is coming
The horror is too much to witness.
And I'm a switch
That's been flipped.
©mmbftd1 0 2
mmbftd
196w
Read MoreThis photo has not been edited at all. This was my sky yesterday.
#chemtrails#eye#watchers#sunsets#clouds#see#lookup#notmychildhoodsky#breathe#sky#clouds#sad#Seasonalaffectivedisorder#sun#whitesun#photography#mmbftd#anxiety#depression#loss#emptyThe Watchers
That white light
Hot without warmth
Rays without
Golden hour
What they have stolen
Can never be returned
Memories hold that
Beautiful yellow sun
Tell me now
Which do you see?6 1 1
mmbftd
197w
Read More#shelter#empath#empathy#are#pain#worldissues#sad#Seasonalaffectivedisorder#feelings#deep#emotional#mentalillness#anxiety#depression#beauty#sight#photography#love#gratitude#humanconnection#misled#alone#misunderstood#beggingforrelief#thistooshallpass#moody#sentimental#skinless#mmbftd#isolation#skinnedalive#empathoverload#
Skinless
Empath
I am.
And all at once
I become you as well
And you and you and you.
My pain
Slickly interwoven
Within the pressurized
Bloody veins
Of yours
And yours and yours
Until I beat with the heavy pulse of the world's pain
Of the injustices
For which I can find no solution
And I feel
Too much too long too intensely.
It is like being hit with fire
And burning
Flames start blue
To gold to red
Hot fire
Hurts me
So bad.
And you look at me and wonder
What is wrong with me?
Why am I so tightly wound?
Why do I cry so often?
Why do I snap?
When you cannot see what is so plain to me
This world is too heavy
The burden of knowledge
Too deep
I'm drowning in the tears of a million suffering people
And my head cannot
Stay above these salty waves of tears
No one seems to understand this
At least no one I know
I realize I am not the only one
Hurt by this burden
Of feeling too much
And while I am skinless
And all my nerves twitch with prickling pain
Exposed
As blood courses out of me
Just to sustain you and you and you
I also cry for beauty
Which others cannot see
I click my shutter and save moments
Time traveler
I go back
Anytime I like
But I can't move forward
I am paralyzed by a fear so deep that not even my legs
Move me out the door
10 years immobile
And yet
Completely immersed in the pain of the world
And myself
Sometimes I just want to quiet the pain
Exit the theatre and step back from all the actors
And you and you and you
But if I were to swallow a fistful of chalky pills
Or slice thru my bright white
Sickly pale skin
Blue veins begging to be purged
I would only bring more pain
To you and you and you
So dear empath
Skinless
Disgusted
Horrified and hurt
Crying and wishing
For someone to just say
"Everything's going to be ok."
Even though I know its a lie
I want to hear it
I want to believe it
From you and you and you
This skinless empath
Needs some shelter
From all this pain.
©mmbftd3 3
- juvena_dsouza U r an Awesome writer!!
- mmbftd @juvena_dsouza omg. My response is 48weeks late! Can you imagine? I'm very sorry. I come and go here whenever I've the urge to purge my emotions. But I want to say thank you very much. Your reading of my words and your comment really means a lot. Best of luck in your writing too!
- juvena_dsouza @mmbftd there's no issue..... I too hardly visit mirakee......
mmbftd
198w
Read MoreJust a little photo that shows me thinking about these skies that are so strange looking compared to what I saw back in the 70's/80's when I was a kid. I like to document my skies with my photography which is a passion for me, just as much as writing is. #notmychildhoodsky#lookup#strangeskies#sad#sunlight#shots in#planes#jets#solarradiatinmanagement#chemtrails#geoengineering#bluesky#clouds#thoughts#sunnysightup#thinkaboutit#nature#manmade#mmbftd#photography#timeshavechanged#sunnydays#Seasonalaffectivedisorder#sickness#anxiety#depression#sideeffects#ponder#sharingthoughts
#notmychildhoodsky
11 0
mmbftd
199w
Read More#notmychildhoodsky#srm#solarradiatinmanagement#jets#sunshine#yellowsun#whitesun#chemtrails#childhood#pool#memories#time#relativity#dimensions#timeisaflatcircle#timetraveler#mmbftd#greenhaven#sunburn#tan#coppertone#floating#watchingtime#stringtheory#quantumphysics#kids#summertime#swimming#rareyellowsun#yellowsunisagift#thinking#lookup#idonotconset#Seasonalaffectivedisorder#sad
Yellow Sun
I saw a yellow sun recently
It made everything glow
So beautifully
All the colors of life
Clear and vibrant
Deep
Expressions
Of the emotions they made me feel.
I was so surprised by this yellow sun
Because it had been so long
Since I had seen one
The searing white hot light
That pulsed and beamed
And burnt my flesh
Had become the norm
The trails smeared by jets
That covered this white sun
Was our normal now
But when I saw the yellow sun
It brought a comfort and calm
One I had forgotten
From my childhood
Before things had turned to
Screaming and struggles
When it was just me
Surrounded by my little friends
As we dove into my pool
Over and over again
Smelling wonderfully
Of chlorine and Coppertone
We stayed in too long
Until our fingertips were
Unrecognizable
Who were we now?
We floated together in the center of the innertube
And watched the ripples of light travel back and forth across each other
Glowing on the bottom of the pool
And I think I realized then
But forgot along the way
That time is not linear
But all around us in every way
Every direction all at once
Like those sunlit patterns on the floor of the pool
Always crossing over each other
Merging
And then receding
And pushing right through-
Like tides but clearer to see.
As I floated there with my little friend
Back to back
our tiny spines touching
Yellow sun drying
and nurturing us at the same time
As the nylon of my bathing suit
Clung to my freckled skin
And the breeze cooled me just enough to not realize that I was sunburning
And oh!
what I wouldn't give for a yellow-sun-sunburn now!
To fill me up with that good
Energy.
This white hot imposter
Leaves only anxiety and depression
It makes me the crazy one
As no one else seems to notice this strange new sky
But this...
This is NOT
my childhood sky.
©mmbftd118 4 8
- the_blu_phoenix You are an entirely different human in possibly a different part of the world and feeling today’s event in an entirely different way. But dear human, whoever you are, your words connected with me. It was as if you echoed exactly what I was feeling and somehow the universe handed me a reassurance with your presence. Can’t be grateful enough to you for writing this. Thank you so much.
- mmbftd @the_blu_phoenix wow. I cannot tell you how much your message means to me. Most times I feel crazy. It helps so much to know you are out there too...feeling these things. I guess we just hold on for the ride and cling to our words. They are our connections that can never be undone. Thank you so much for reaching out. You have comforted me so much. HUGS. consider me a friend from California.
- the_blu_phoenix @mmbftd it’s funny how different we all are, but somehow, something like this connects two people under the same sky. The sky is everywhere and the time is same, but even the same moon is percieved in a different way by two different people. I believe in the universe and souls and magic. I believe in fate. But yes, it had been an off day for me today. (I have these sudden blues sometimes when I feel I’m so crazy for feeling such a melancholy for no reason.) your writeup was the first in my feed and reading this made me feel like I had sunshine in me. Whoever you are, a big hug to you. And consider me a fan. You made me smile and feel not alone. That’s a huge thing. You’re awesome.
-
candra
"But forgot along the way
That time is not linear
But all around us in every way
Every direction all at once"
^this <3 ^
mmbftd
200w
Backwards
I can feel it again
Time
Moving backwards
In the wrong direction
Away from me
And I'm standing
In the middle of summer sun
Looking at blue sky
And white clouds
Where the insects
Create a symphony
For only me
And the jumping spider's
Brightly colored displays
Pacify me
And get me through my days
But its coming
The dark is coming for me
Like footsteps thrown
In echoes behind me
I've grown accustomed
To looking over my shoulder
And wishing I could
Push that pocketwatch's
Clicking, cold, bronze button
To stop it at once
As the sweat blooms
Over my brow
And my skin reddens in this heat
The yellow sun makes celebrity appearances
But mostly its giant and white
A glaring sharp contrast
To the yellow gold sun of my childhood
And haven't I always been running from something?
Shadows cast without origin-
Angry screaming fists-
Isolation-
Until the only place I could exist
Was inside myself
Where I lay my words
Like bricks
One by one around my soul
Until no one
Not even I
Could reach it anymore.
And now this is that month
Where the anxiety begins
To settle into my psyche
It moves back and forth
Rubbing itself down
into the nest its making
Like some horrible grey feathered creature
And I've no more room for nests like this
I'm full up from years of it
But what can I do?
Its coming Damn it
I'm powerless to stop it
Time cannot be controlled
By something as insignificant as me.
The darkness bites
Its sharp teeth rip tender flesh
I bleed when the night comes early
I cower afraid
Though I am grown
And when will this ever stop?
This looking over my shoulder
Because I'd love to just enjoy this sun
While I have it.
©mmbftd138 2 6
- mmbftd @writersnetwork thank you so much for reposting this! I truly appreciate it.
- writersnetwork @mmbftd You are welcome. Have a great day.
mmbftd
200w
Water
I shed my clothes
And waded in
Cold water prickling my
Summered brown skin
As freckles multiplied
Across my nose
My coconut oil spread out
Over the surface of the blue
I could see right through
As I stood
Centered
Feeling gentle breezing air
Around me like a lover
Although you had long since vanished
I felt the orange sunset's fire
Warm the ice around my broken frozen heart
I longed for your essence
To see you slumber
Next to me
Newly bearded by morning light
The scent of us carried on my flesh
Your voice, deep, cut the noise of the world out and away from me
Your hands with their indelible ink decorating them
Held me with such tenderness
That the beauty of it made me want to cry out with gratitude
And those kind green eyes of yours
That I never thought saw me
Actually had
You took me in
And still you loved me
And you heard me
Without seeming like you were listening
Now this summer is ending
Its going
Maybe to whatever place you ended up in
And my nostalgia is wrecking me and breaking me down
Until I've no will to create a future or even exist in present time
This summer that had me forgetting all about that darkness that would come soon enough
Those days when night came at 4pm and the dark swallowed me whole until I was nothing but pure fear
This summer with its heat waves and thunderstorms
Wetting my shoulders with wild joy
Is leaving me
The way I left you
All too quickly
And by necessity
For patterns cannot be undone
And mine is to undo things
That I have always wished for
So they cannot be MY undoing in the end.
I saw a silver flicker
Under this clear salty water's surface
As the waves pushed me gently into remorse and regret
A tiny flash of quickness
As the fish swam like lightning
Under the orange red sky
Now turning a velvety blue
A single star appearing
Brilliant to mimic that fish
Both on different journeys
But at least moving
I needed to mimic them
To at least move
Back to you or away from you for good
Because this lingering was making me cry salty water into the sea
Was it made of tears?
What to do?
I shed my clothes
And think of you.
©mmbftd11 0
Seasons come and go
The snow soon will melt
And in its melting wash away
The feelings that you've felt
Those feelings just as real
And chilling as the snow
Do their job to soften ground
Where flowers soon will grow
-- Zack Applewhite7 0
kevinosullivan
215w
Solarium
At the bottom of the atmosphere in February,
awaiting change.
Glimpses of hope in rays of ultraviolet warmth.
Ceasefire of the mind as the tunneling comes to another freedom.
Having seasonally traversed throughout a Northern Hemisphere existence, I know sadness.
Happiness falls on the steps of the March Equinox.
Having survived the metabolic & emotional depressions of past hibernations; I trust in the sun.
Through the souls windows pour vital essentials.
Improving the physical, spiritual and mental.
How great is the destructive universe which creates temporal life from explosive fire.
©kevinosullivan12 0
kevinosullivan
221w
Solarium
At the bottom of the atmosphere in February,
awaiting change.
Glimpses of hope of rays of ultraviolet warmth.
Ceasefire of the mind as the tunneling comes to another freedom.
Having traversed seasonally throughout a Northern Hemisphere existence, I know sadness.
Happiness falls on the steps of the March Equinox.
Having survived the metabolic & emotional depressions of past hibernations; I trust the sun.
Through the souls windows pour vital essentials.
Improving the physical, spiritual and mental.
How great is the destructive universe which creates temporal life from explosive fire.
©kevinosullivan13 0
devonstranger
278w
Read MoreNot my favorite weather.
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#devonstrang #wordoftheday #wotd #word #words #wordporn #dictionary #language #definition #brumous #cold #dark #winter #fog #foggy #mist #heavy #clouds #weather #grey #gray #sky #skies #depressing #seasonalaffectivedisorder#wordoftheday
