#Recovery

1182 posts
  • cicimoon 3d

    Squandering

    Rarely do I squander outside of my writes
    Do I need to work a 12 step for writing

    Hi, my name is Queen, and I'm a writer!

    I've squandered my energy, time, money, and ridiculous things, that I could never possibly need.
    ©cicimoon

  • in_fragments 1w

    Yay for lifelong medical battles... cancer... autoimmune diseases... bloodwork and hospital appointments since childhood... at least I'm turning it all into something creative that feels worth something now. I'm not just a guinea pig anymore.
    #pod #poem #blood #work #medical #trauma #thoughts #mentalhealth #mentalillness #selfcare #recovery @miraquill @writersnetwork @writersbay

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    Blood Work

    A tourniquet, tied tightly
    around my arm once again
    as I squeeze my fist
    to find the perfect vein-
    tap it, watch it rise
    to the surface of my skin like a wire;
    clean the spot with alcohol,
    look away and prepare
    for the thousandth little pinch
    of the familiar and stoic needle...

    Blood pulls away from me
    into the doctor's long glass tubes-
    their syringe fills up with vibrant,
    vermillion liquid, sloshing up fast.
    I feel it pushing out of me,
    red soda sucked through a straw
    between two thirsty lips;
    after so many decades,
    the flow is recognizably rhythmic
    and draws the sanguine fluid out
    on beat; a little heart force,
    a pulsating sensation
    in the soft side of my right elbow-
    a little bit of draining, all up my arm;
    a piece of life being tugged away
    from me, later be used to create me.

    Switch out another cylinder,
    until I watch them fill up three-
    cover the spot with a cotton pad,
    with the needle still inside,
    then taken quickly out
    just as easily as it came in.
    There is an art to drawing blood,
    and every three months
    I am required to collaborate
    to create my own clean
    hemoglobin masterpieces-
    for under microscopes
    and through test tubes,
    you can measure every chemical
    and mutation inside, monitor
    the uncontrolled cells that make up
    your own personal madness.

    From now on, the needle is my pen,
    turning chronic illness into creativity,
    another long and deep well
    to draw from.

    My dried life force lies
    in between pages and poems,
    betwixt the tiles of childhood bathrooms,
    stained on old long sleeves.
    Emotions linger like dust
    in the silent spaces
    between language and thought.
    I am not gone. I have been in
    and out of test tubes for decades,
    in biohazard bins all across the coast,
    seen only by a privileged few
    who were smart enough to handle me.

    My artwork is the real blood work,
    the pen can suck me through it
    like a tiny medical needle
    and I spill my truths all over the canvas.
    You need blood to create art,
    so for the rest of my life,
    as I give myself continuously to tubes,
    and machines and medications
    and disorders- a lifelong battle,
    I've accepted my fate;
    the art is the only channel
    I have ever had for all that blood.
    A pen is a needle, gliding across
    white paper like skin,
    pushing words in with sharp tips
    that protrude from the page like veins.

    For my sanity, it's all the same to me.
    ©in_fragments

  • manicmaniac27 1w

    When I saw your face again

    I ruined everything about myself
    Your face reminded me of how worthless I was
    How I was only good for one thing

    When I saw your face again
    I broke in two
    I was a reckless tornado tearing through anything in my way
    I only realized the damage I caused
    Months later when the winds finally calmed

    By then I didn't know who I was
    Or where any of the pieces fit back together
    I was alone with nothing but wreckage all around

    Because I saw your face again


    ©manicmaniac27

  • cassiopeia_sky 5w

    Recovery

    In recovery nothing will ever be attempted when all possible objections are not performed with genuine intentions...
    ©cassiopeia_sky

  • achal234 5w

    Torimodosu

    Recovery was necessary
    After that heart break
    Healing was going on
    And after sometime one mrng i got up
    And i felt that i didn't miss him anymore
    I didn't stalk him anymore
    I found myself moved on
    ©achal234

  • nightpen 6w

    Crystal Tears

    I swear he can't care, my mirror gets older
    He gets colder, liquid sin in hand he stares
    He stares to my core, knows how to be me
    Say I'm ok, says he loves me, takes a sip
    Where is God? This man is destroying me


    I was the dude with a bible in a church pew..

    It never changed my mirror..

    I listened and ended addictions but..


    He was there, approaching from the doubt
    Out of light of day, down from the starlight

    I abused science to justify forgetting God
    I used God's silence to drown in a lie
    I used to wonder in bed when I cried..
    I wondered why..

    I think I know now but..

    That mirror is cracked Crystal, Tears of lies
    Maybe its glass is why my heart died..
    I threw me onto my own self and got scared 
    Ran away to catholic masses..

    I never realized..
    I am that glass..

    Shattered in Crystal Tears..
    Liquid courage to drown my responsibility.
    He doesn't stare. He cares. He's crying out.

    Am I really here?
    Yeah, I am..
    Am I scared..? Yeah, I'm terrified..


    What will he do to me next?


    Can I escape that he's been praying?
    That I was the one who was self-slaying?


    I found solid ground.


    Forget this doubt..
    I'm staying right here.

    The man in the mirror fused with me.
    We are one. We always were.

    I just had to wake the hell up first.
    Thank God I did before riding in a hearse..

    Crystal Tears become glass unbroken.
    Slowly closing the door on a past of affliction.
    Doubt can be a dangerous addiction.


    That man is my hope.


    He always was.
    ©nightpen

  • mehakgorakhpuri 6w

    वक्त दो ज़रा वक्त को,
    घाव पे मरहम लगाने को।
    फिर देखना वहां ज़ख्मों के,
    बस निशान ही रहेंगे।
    ©mehakgorakhpuri

  • risonangel 7w

    True Words

    You will never know the worlds evil unless you face it head on stronger than the people who paved it deep in your path.
    ©risonangel

  • faceless90 8w

    Psychosis

    Losing the sense I have gained from psychosis, I've proven that blessings have traces of doses of evil and wicked yet gracious emotions that lead to the passing of manias motions...

  • in_fragments 9w

    Will I ever not be afraid of my shadow selves? Will they ever not be afraid of me?
    #pod #poem #villanelle #brain #mind #fun #therapy #recovery #dissociation #ptsd @miraquill @writersnetwork @writersbay

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    Childlike Eyes
    Fear Not The Mind's Size


    I'll find what I seek through more childlike eyes,
    scared of the inward signs for far too long;
    teach them to play with, fear not the mind's size.

    Like broken toys, I'll repair and analyze
    the fractured memories I always wished were wrong.
    I'll find what I seek through more childlike eyes...

    Those parts hidden away, familiarize
    them with the outside, tell them they belong,
    teach them to play with, fear not the mind's size-

    and the inner world, where the past is organized;
    instead of busting in, pitchforked and pronged,
    I'll find what I seek through more childlike eyes...

    Once arduous work, now we realize
    the brain's our plaything, although unduly strong;
    teach them to play with, fear not the mind's size.

    Traumatized, the answers why will surprise
    when I finally learn how to lark along;
    I'll find what I seek through more childlike eyes,
    teach them to play with, fear not the mind's size...
    ©in_fragments

  • roseanna 10w

    Anna Come Back

    Mold Anna
I am Anna
But Anna feels so far away right now
Anna hasn't been to her core in a very long time
Anna doesn't even know who she is
And maybe because she has caked on so many different things
But to peel them off feels empty
Boring
But when Anna can breathe, she is then free
And secure
And satisfied
 

  • roseanna 10w

    It’s painful to explain why I relapse, but this was the best way I could explain. #addiction #relapse #addict #cocaine #drugs #drug #abuse #recovery #aa #coke #thoughts #rehab

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    loss

    cocaine,
I have given you
    everything in me
    to keep you
    everything
    I spend my time searching for
    pieces of you
    the tiniest amount
    just to feel the loss of you
    a little less

  • roseanna 10w

    Hidden

    My love
It’s not your fault you don’t know
    Or see,
You see
This drug has a mind of its own
    Making my mind
    Weak

  • roseanna 10w

    It’s painful to explain why I relapse, but this was the best way I could explain. #addiction #relapse #addict #cocaine #drugs #drug #abuse #recovery #aa #coke #thoughts #rehab

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    Lost on Cocaine Highway

    I don't know how to tell you that Izzy has came back, my dear
    She whispers things in my ear
    Tells me she's so sorry I'm in pain,
    And reminds me of those beautiful times, we kissed in the rain
    She looks me in the eyes, and tells me she just wanted to see me again
    Take me on a ride to get away for a moment, just like old times
    But the old times to reminisce on are never truly that far away
    But time away with her feels so much longer, so I try not to focus on her
    To keep the longing at bay
     
    No matter how long our times been away,
    She insists again, again, again
    But the screams aren't in anger
    They are in a rush of pleasure
    Of the thought of us together
     
    She makes things so exciting, my dear
    She comes to me frazzled, excitement never lessened,
    Boasting about the world, and all the joys that are near
    There are new peaks to reach, she says
    A better feeling to feel,
    We get in the car, and step away from the fear
    I tell her a short drive, remembering her lack of care
    But I trust her way of knowing the perfect way
    And we start driving so fast
    That I can't remember where we even started
    Going so fast, I am forced into the moment
    Holding on to that moment
     
    We speed through the lanes,
    The world is moving so fast,
    I look around to see beauty,
    Colors, faces, nature,
    The beauty of the world will last
    But I'm amazed at how everything I see as beautiful,
    Also quickly moves past
     
    Izzy asks you why I'm so depressed
    I look at her and tell her my life has darkness
    That I can't surpass
    A life of confusion and wistfulness,
    That is only escaped at home by sleep
    Or a slow paced walk, to calm my head
    Can we not think about it right now
    And stay in this moment
    That gives me a glimpse
    out of my mental torment
     
    Izzy starts to sing
    A loud beautiful song, meant only for me
    Making me feel so special, she kisses my cheek
    And tells me there's no reason to weep
    For she is there, with me, and will show me all the beauty to this life
    Going so fast, feeling so happy,
    Hearing her sing, and watching life go past,
    Makes my heart skip a beat
     
    The police pass, and I realize they aren't watching
    Us go flying through the road,
    Everlasting
    No paranoia
    The rush is incredible, every cell letting go
    No sad thoughts anymore, I am never alone
     
    We drive so far
    That I don't know where to go
    But I do know, we need to get on the road
    That will lead us to go home
    My eyes are tired, my head is spinning
    I'm getting frustrated I don't see an exit 
    No wonder I feel burning
    In my chest, anger boiling
    Izzy keeps trying to comfort me, but nothing is working
     
    Izzy understands, and tells me she understands I have to go home
    I ask her what way, and she tells me to listen to the sound
    of my own intuition
    She reminds me I know God is near, 
    And he knows the way, off the highway
    So I can get home and pray
     
    As i start to pray, there's a deer in the way
    In the middle of the road, calm as could be,
    I'm trying to get home, can you just let me be
    A sudden slam on the breaks
    And know this is part of God showing me the way
    All at once I am still
    And Izzy looks at me confused
    I hate that we are still, 
    But will sit there until, the deer goes away
    And I feel the movement of no choice go away
     
    Izzy tries to leave the car
    But I can't stand to watch her go
    How can she leave me here all alone
    When my head is still
    Stuck in its own loop
    But doesn't want to stop the thrill

    I sit their nauseous, and think about going home alone
     reality starts to hit
    And maybe she's right,
    These are the moments I can't quit
    I look at the deer, and see it's simple life
    But I can't escape my own head, 
    And will never be that type

    I shouldn’t have let Izzy
    Get me to cave in
    Every ride with Izzy
    Leaves a hole in my heart
    Making it a little harder
    To say that final goodbye

    I should have learned
    The ride is too much

  • obscuredwords 10w

    Every smile, every laugh, every happy person has unimaginable pain beneath, just beacuse you cannot see it doesn't mean it does not exist.
    They laugh, loud and hard because they know these moments are rare, just because they have accepted their pain.
    You want them to feel that pain again and again, you become a beautiful reminder of every failure in their life, you question their happiness. You tell them they shouldn't be happy.

    But this is what you don't understand, that they have seen that part of life which was painted black, and now, they see all the colours in the sky.

    #positivevibes
    #depression #anxiety #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #love #sad #mentalillness #selfcare #ptsd #mentalhealthmatters #selflove #life #therapy #recovery #quotes #depressed #healing #motivation #stress #suicide #health #help #mindfulness #covid #pain #sadness #wellness #trauma #smile

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  • pennamebreez 11w

    Gum

    You made me feel stuck
    You made me feel gross
    You made me feel unwanted
    You made me feel like an inconvenience
    You made me feel ugly
    You made me feel like a waste
    You made me feel discarded
    You made me feel like a mistake
    You made feel powerless
    You made me feel worthless
    You made me feel inhuman
    You made me feel like a ruined day

    A ruined day that lasts forever...
    And there is no running from it
    There is no hiding from it
    There's just me, unmoving
    Unable to be whatever you wanted
    When I never really had a chance

    You made me feel like gum
    On the bottom of your shoe

    I did not deserve to feel that way

    ©pennamebreez

  • _akshay_bond 12w

    Anger

    "In the storm of facing anger" there is another possibility beside right or fight ,when you hear anger coming closer n closer and you think either fear are the only possibilities just wait a few second longer after that you will be like in the eye of the hurricane and you will be surrounded by total silence and you will think and speak clearly your heart should be soft and strong make it is not hard and weak!!!!
    ©_akshay_bond

  • in_fragments 12w

    Renaissance Falls
    Part 1


    This Renaissance palace
    I created by hand, tirelessly for years,
    with ink and blood and tears,
    gold silks and cathedral glass-
    this palace with windows
    like giant telescopes
    and diamond walls, multicolored
    in the sun-
    almost as if it were trying
    to outshine the very light itself;
    my artwork, my masterpieces,
    my very way of being
    soon became my tomb, all overgrown,
    left to the brambles, at the mercy
    of Mother Nature alone.

    My fellow human beings
    have been fighting for survival,
    dwindling in duty and ability,
    and nature has already begun
    to take the land back over-
    for when the final Renaissance falls,
    it is not up to us,
    whether or not we all go with it...

    I was cursed and turned to stoned
    many years ago,
    the gargoyle guarding my own fortress.
    I come alive every single night
    to watch the carnage flow; decades
    of fire, flood, war and blood, lust
    and murder and betrayal-
    I've seen all the ways
    an innocent being can die;
    I have witnessed it happen,
    over and over and over again.
    Everything I ever loved,
    Everyone I ever knew, another day
    gone in a fatal blaze,
    and I am forced to watch it all,
    frozen as a statuette
    under the beating sun.

    I didn't die young enough before,
    and now I will live
    to see the end of the world.
    I will live to see us
    decimate it all, nothing left to control
    as everything purges
    and begins again, restarting without us,
    until nothing is left but glorious
    green, as every palace turns to dust.

    Every night I wake
    to survey the damage done,
    to see what's still here
    and all that isn't any longer.
    I rest amongst the grave sites
    of so many values and ideas,
    hopes and dreams- finding slivers
    of them still, lacing through our veins
    as we struggle not to leave, but we
    are Renaissance men, and parasites
    slowly leeching away our paradise-
    and every night I have twelve hours
    to make a split, philosophical decision:
    is total obliteration
    just better than this?

    Humanity is a helpless worm, and I,
    keeping all its heavy hopes
    coated beneath this stone-
    every night I choose to survive in my skin
    until morning- but what if,
    one quiet, hazy moment at dawn,
    I decide that I simply
    don't want to anymore?

    Dusk falls upon my palace again,
    and as my limbs come back to life,
    I step barefoot onto the grass
    and begin to think too much...
    ©in_fragments

  • faceless90 12w

    OverExposure

    No one is suspicious if you show them that you're mischief's uncontrollable when misfits of unholiness come visit your sick soul that is exquisitely atrocious when the dybbuks now exfoliate your senses then revolt against their fleshless less than full life half than blessed with any sonar that's been left with every poser that is preciously exposing any threatening exposure to the restless...
    ©faceless90

  • mrspectacular 13w

    THE SURGEON SOJOURN

    ________________________
    Stephanie's hands are shaking in the cold as she walks into the office. It is clear she is in need of something hot to step down the effect of the blizzard outside the walls of the Clinton Welsh International Hospital premises. The Air-Conditioners cannot be turn off for any reason on the insistence of the Hospital's policy hence they provide alternative heating for the staff and patients of the hospital, heating cubicles numbering about eight on every floor of the hospital totalling about one hundred and twenty. Unwilling to go all the way to the other floor and possibly face the same disappointment as she has faced on the ground floor where her office is strategically situated, she decides to take some hot coffee to substitute the heating cubicle but as though it is not her day, she is met by another disappointment. All the variants of coffees served at the hospital at the moment do not appeal to her taste.

    Stephanie's astonishment is brought on by how exactly all other variants are still very much available when she arrives but the one she wants and enjoy finished few seconds before her arrival at the hospital's coffee stand.

    Irked by the situation, she picks up her car keys even though she knows leaving the hospital at that moment might be risky on so many levels-she might have patients waiting for her, she might have an accident under the unfortunate weather, she is not officially on break and she might get queried or worse still relieved of duty if she is found out by the management of the hospital. She would usually do things that strikes everyone as daring and sometimes just plain absurd so when the other staff see her leave the hospital and drive out of the premises, they neither ask no questions nor bother themselves but leave it to the management who have eyes on the entire premises and never miss a move from any staff except of course in the toilet and surely enough they see her leave. The consequences of her actions from the end of the management would come in the evening when she returns or they would allow her the privilege of having a good night and spoil her morning the next day with her letter of 'your services are no longer needed at this hospital' connoting dismissal.

    When she sets out on the journey, it is a horrifying trip driving through the blizzard as visibly is so poor, she can hardly see. She prays so hard to be back at the hospital in one piece but it seems her prayers does not cover her car as while she hits a lot of things that damage her car badly including road blocks, railings and a couple of times, a few road-crossing creatures.

    It takes about a visit to over fifteen stores and twelve hours of driving to make her give up her search and decide to settle for the lesser coffee brand.

    Just as she is driving back to the hospital painfully meandering her way through the thickening weather, she unfortunately and fortunately rams her car into a somewhat inconspicuous store by the corner of the road going unconscious. The storekeeper takes her out of the car and unto the ground to get some air. The storekeeper, Jane Alvin watches her for a few seconds and realizing she has not regained consciousness, decides to give her the kiss of life (Mouth To Mouth Resuscitation).

    It feels awkward to her but there is a life at stake and it is the only option available as there is no one else around in the store at the time as the storekeeper was just reconciling the books in order to leave for home before Stephanie rammed into the store. She succeeds in getting her conscious after about six huff-and-puffs of oxygen. Regaining consciousness, Stephanie asks holding her head while squinting,
    'Whe-Where am I?.....Who are you?....What happened?..'
    'Calm down, darling. One question at a time',Jane Alvin says softly. 'You had an accident'
    'Oh no', Stephanie screams whisperingly as a result of the headache. 'I need to get back to the office immediately'.

    Jane Alvin smiles not with an intent to ridicule Stephanie's predicament but because she wonders why someone would still think of work after such an unwholesome occurrence. She watches Stephanie stagger a little way off before fainting again.

    When Stephanie regains consciousness, she is surprised to see Jane behind the wheel of her SUV and wonders what is going on. Just as she is trying to wrap her aching head around what is going on, they come by the Welsh International Hospital. Jane drives in, screaming for the attention of the staff around. Immediately, a couple of nurses assist her in leading Stephanie into the hospital.

    Having been informed of the accident by Jane , the hospital puts Stephanie to bed-rest for four hours with the help of sedatives in drip form. When she would wake up, her letter of dismissal would sitting on the small mahogany cupboard-table beside her bed just by Jane. Jane hopes and prays that she wakes up strong and healthy.

    'Please, you just have to wake up. From the much I have seen, you are a hardworker and I am sure it devastate your company to have them lose you. I do not know you but it would still hurt to watch a human being die before my very eyes so please stay with us', Jane whispers softly trying so hard to prevent herself from bursting into tears. What Jane does not know is the fact that Stephanie is a staff of the hospital and the letter on the table by her bed effects her termination of appointment with immediate effect.

    After four hours of sleep, Stephanie wakes up from the induced sleep yawning and turning to see Jane, she gives a smile that suggests appreciation of the kind gesture of being by her side all through. Jane returns the smile.

    Sitting up on the bed, Stephanie notices the white envelope on the table by the bed. Confused, she inquires of Jane about the letter. Jane says the letter was brought in by a doctor and he said it looked important.
    'A doctor of this hospital....?', Stephanie asks terrified as she frantically opens the envelope to unveil its content.
    'Yes....Is there....'
    'Oh no...This can't be', Stephanie screams and faints again having read it is a termination of her appointment as a staff of Clinton Welsh Hospital.

    Confused as to what is going on, Jane picks up the letter to read and she is just as shocked but does not faint. Instead she quickly decides to recommend Stephanie for temporary employment immediately she wakes up pending when she would be able to secure another job for herself.

    When Stephanie wakes up, she is skeptical at first about the idea but looking at her letter of dismissal once more, she decides to accept the offer. It seems a blessing in disguise as she seems to enjoy working with Jane surprisingly because asides the fact that it is an interesting job to kill time with while she looks for one that would fit her career as a surgeon, she is home to the best coffee in the region.
    ---------------------------------
    ©mrspectacular