When The Jacaranda Blooms
The soothing melodies of Demi Lovato's 'it's okay not to be okay' filtered through the slightly ajar door,Shar raised her head from her notepad smiling wryly to herself ; Alice must have been playing that song loudly for her to hear,she mused as it continued,'all you need is somebody to say it's okay not to okay' .What a coincidence.
'Ally must at least develop better tactics ,' Shar murmured to herself as she wheeled herself to close the half opened door.She had just spent an hour dwindling absent-mindedly on her notepad,maybe as an attempt at achieving some sort of distraction ,any kind was greatly welcomed these days .A much welcome break from her thoughts .
She keeps me awake at nightfall
Much like a dedicated demon
Warrior stance,battle lines drawn
Nightmares in attire
Much like soldiers at war
Tears of shame
Tears of pain
Burdened by melancholic fevers
Thoughts of regret
Whose existence ? '
It couldn't have been a more destructive blow to her life to wake up hospitalised ,with no ability to control any of her lower extremities; but the loss of her baby was the worst .Eileen had been just a few months old and the apple of Shar's eyes and her center of attention, no wonder Ally was playing the psychologist (everyone was worried about her ,the past months had slowly reduced her to a shadow of her former self ).The .ca accident now eight months later was still freshly imprinted in her memory to be relived repeatedly every single night.Shar in the eyes of her family had lost her sense of being and identity when she had awoke in the hospital to realize her child hadn't survived the crash and even though she tried to act as normal as she could be ,everyone could see the change.
Shar smiled as the door so to a close shutting out the emotionally provoking melodies .As she turned back to her writing her eyes as if by gravity landed on the only picture in her room she hadn't asked Ally to pack away from sight - her baby Eileen.She felt the tears begin to pool at the back of her eyes ( almost now a well developed reflex when she looked at the pictures or at her husband) .Shar sniffed a little bit as she lifted the wooden framed picture of an adorable baby ,she willed her tears to stop as her eyes got teary and the room became a little blurry ; but that toothless smile, the twinkling eyes,the pudgy hands reaching up - her baby ,her poor baby,the tears forged a course down her cheeks into her lap as she soundlesly wept.
'My poor baby,I'm sorry ,I'm so sorry baby ,mommy really misses you Eilly, 'she whispered heartbreakingly clutching the picture to her heart.
'Ahem!,'a throat cleared from behind her startling her out of her miserable cocoon of guilt ridden tear shedding.
She must have been deeply engrossed in her tears that she didnt hear the door open and her mother let herself into the room.How long she had been standing witness to that scene,Shar didn't know.
'Mother,' Shar responded with a rather teary voice with her hand automatically swiping at her face to wipe away her tears.As she turned around to face the much dreaded confrontation that was long overdue given the sheer look of disapproval her mother had pinned on her just a while ago when her husband had come to try and get them to resolve issues and Shar had simply rejected him yet again.
This is what they don't understand she had thought ,my baby is dead and its all my fault ,I can't walk,I can't do anything by myself ,I'm a burden to a man like him ,and I'm giving him his freedom ....what don't they understand. That had been the question she asked him,'what don't you understand ?'
'You have to stop this madness Sharlene,'said her mother with a certain tone of finality that brought a look of absolute incredulity to Shar's face.
'And don't give me that look, young lady ,that young man is willing to lay down his life for you even after all you've put him through ,and yet here you are caught up in your pityparty, it's not the end of the world okay,so I suggest you get over yourself. Its been 9months already,'she said while soothing Shar' s cheek a sensitive act juxtaposing the spears she had just thrown at her.
'I understand mom,but not yet, please not now I don't want to fight today, 'Shar responded resignedly.
'This is what the problem is,'She thought to herself ,it's never about me,never was about me or how I feel ....it's always been how I'm making everyone feel'
At that moment she did wish she had the courage to voice that thought out , but instead of fanning out her mother's already lit fuse,she opted for a more peaceful alternative .
'can we talk after my physio ,Miss Smith will be here soon'
Maybe sensing a pending losing battle her mother excused herself,leaving Shar once again to the workings of a guilty conscience .
'Shar, Miss Smith is here,' Steve (her brother's voice) breaks into her thoughts.
'Okay I'm ready ,let her in,'she responded closing her laptop and placing Eilly's picture back on the desk.
'Time to heal,'she whispered to herself. Shar preferred physiotherapy sessions as a better option to the 3 hour long psychological drillings with her therapist.
'Should I join you today sis,'Steve said already in the room ,being a student doctor also ,he found his sister's situation a better learning experience and Miss Smith being attractive and sweet of course could have been another factor.
'Of course,' was the reply everytime
'Good day Shar,are we ready for today ...we are focusing on your knee reflexes today', Miss Smith smiles .
to be continued