I'll love you three times as much...
" it's Grandad "
"No dad!" he persists,
As the water rises within I repeat, "grandad"
He demands "no, my dad not yours"
I slump to the floor, water consuming my soul,
Reaching the surface, this time i tell him softly as I hold his hands, "I'm sorry baby , you don't have a dad"
My heart cracks, longing for my sons desires to come true, knowing they never will, knowing they never did,
His voice cracks "I do have a dad"
So I lie in defeat and say "OK"
I feared this conversation since the fatal 20th week of his life within me, yet I still didn't have the right answers...
I'm selfish apparently, but It was me here everyday for over 3 years, alone in the struggle, the joys the inevitable growth that takes place every second, all the while knowing he would never have "a dad" for the man I fell in love with didn't exsist, nor did the love I believed he felt,
He hurt us physically,
He hurt us mentally,
He hurt us emotionally,
all the while using me to feed his sick interest, in time he cracked every part of me and then left me to pick up the pieces of my shattered shell and crushed soul, not once did he look back, and even if he did, it was too late...
So I do both, but as this water gently caresses the surface of my inner childs face, I sit here knowing I will never be enough for my son,
but no matter what happens in tomorrow's land I cannot change the fact that the person who was there when I created you was merely a reflection of my pain, he was a fantasy and the ugly truth that showed in times existence; he was not a good man; or a dad, nor did he care to be.
So know this, I will love you three times as much, I will hold you three times tighter, I will kiss you everyday, shower you with love and life lessons, I will teach you how to be a man in ways he never would and I will never turn my back on you,
You may deserve more than just a mum but since I'm all you've got ill love you like you have both parents, both families and more, and I will never stop,
So next time you shout "my dad" Ill hold your hand and your heart; this time the warmth of my mother's inner child will fuel my response "miracle child of love and light, you don't have a dad, but you have me and when I'm not enough, you've got grandad, nana, your sister, uncles, cousins, great aunty's, big grandma, big nana, and all your friends, and together we will give you more love than you would lack in his presence, we will give you more strength and we won't turn our backs, you deserve better than just me, and my dear son;you've got it.