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  • elli_mcfarlane 1d


    Stepping out of the bubble,
    I almost found trouble,
    leaving was harder than I
    thought it would be.

    Addict brain tried to kick in,
    I thought what's one last sin?
    But my recovery brain
    quickly kicked over.

    Jesus was calling,
    to the devil voice roaring,
    yet comfort and compassion
    filled my ears.

    To Deuteronomy I was led,
    31:6 filled my head,
    as I chose rest over
    certain self destruction.

    As I lay down in bed,
    I thought of my family
    and friends instead,
    power in a new life started.

    I let God take the weight,
    and God kept me safe,
    my recovery shielded
    by his armour.

    This morning as I rise,
    I thank God for my life,
    I feel stronger than
    ever before.

    Steadfast in recovery,
    the lion inside of me,
    has the devil cornered
    once more.


  • elli_mcfarlane 2d

    You're NOT to BROKEN
    You're NOT to DAMAGED
    You're NOT to WRONG
    You're NOT to CRAZY
    You're NOT a MISTAKE

    You CAN find RECOVERY
    You DO deserve RECOVERY

    Trust me I thought
    all these things...


  • elli_mcfarlane 2d


    Nine years today,
    since you passed away,
    I remember exactly
    where I was standing.

    Heaven and earth,
    inversely changed,
    the day you were
    promoted to glory.

    I loved you then,
    I love you still,
    I miss you every day.

    Nine years away,
    yet I know beside me
    you have stayed, my
    guardian from a distance.

    Rest in peace Nana Bren,
    I know I'll see you again,
    but until then, I'll always
    have your loving memory.

    Luv ya heaps, Ellisa xxx


  • elli_mcfarlane 3d


    Saints need no sleep,
    but circumstance drove me to slumber.

    Dreaming of falling,
    the wicked one calling,
    I hit the ground an angel fallen.

    Born again a devil,
    I rose from my grave,
    the new hue of the world foreign.

    A slave to my ways,
    trapped in a daze,
    a new normal for the fallen.

    Twisting inside,
    a saintly soul fought to rise,
    naming itself rebel to the devil.

    A rebel yell,
    a saint rising from hell,
    the phoenix exorcising the demon.

    Saintly once more,
    but forever aware,
    the devil but one complacent slumber away.

    Now if rest I need,
    this warning I heed,
    always sleep with one eye open.


  • elli_mcfarlane 4d

    Not a poem...

    Speaking as a medical professional...

    Talking the talk of recovery is easy. “Addiction equals death, recovery equals life”. Addiction however is a disease hallmarked by insanity. An insanity that leads to the inverse of this statement becoming rooted in core belief. Forming a reservation to recovery at the very level of identity. Addiction, quite simply, is the only disease that convinces the sufferer they’re well.

    This can not be fixed by willpower and is perpetuated by isolation. This disease of identity, of distorted core beliefs, requires asking for help and connection.

    Stigma, fear and self hatred however make this walk extremely difficult and torturous. Initially the treatment is experienced as being far worse than the disease. Notice I use the word treatment, not cure, this is deliberate. Addiction is a chronic, lifelong, incurable condition, that when left untreated results in one of three inevitable outcomes – Jails, institutions and death.

    Support not ridicule, love not loathing, respect not resentment, understanding not judgement are the cornerstones of recovery. Not only from those around the addict but from within the addict themselves.

    Only then can the first steps of a journey of twelve be taken, as the addict starts to walk the walk.

    I’m also speaking as a recovering addict...

    “We do recover”.


  • elli_mcfarlane 1w

    JOHN 1:5

    Powerlessness lies in darkness,
    never must I forget,
    though the darkness exists,
    to the light it must relent.

    It's ever so easy however,
    to ignore and to reject,
    when isolated in
    the nest of vipers,
    the fact the light
    will not relent.

    Staring at the shadow
    of past darkness,
    in the past I will remain,
    all I need do is act on faith,
    heeding the call to turn
    and I'll be saved.

    Slowly I turn around,
    despite the dark
    whispers in my ear,
    focussing on another voice,
    compassionately calling me near.

    Losing sight of my shadow,
    I feel warmth upon my face,
    as I turn a full one eighty,
    suddenly blinded by
    mercy and grace.

    Shadows now behind me,
    as the moment I embrace,
    visions of hope, a future,
    with God now face to face.


  • elli_mcfarlane 1w


    Yesterday gone,
    for me a day older,
    for you something
    significantly more.

    For today for you,
    the calendar marks,
    thirty one years your score

    April --- --- 1990,
    I have no clue what I was doing.

    Little did know,
    when I was ten,
    in the background,
    the universe was brewing

    Patents is the universe,
    far more patent than me,
    twenty nine years pass 'till we meet

    All along,
    with childlike excitement,
    the universe knew what
    the outcome would be.

    Like a lock end key,
    we fatefully collided.

    I could never have known,
    all those years ago,
    just how special that we be to me.

    I left a piece of my heart,
    when I left town,
    so forever I will be reminded.

    That somewhere out there,
    is a universally declared fiend,
    who just celebrated another year older.

    May this coming year see,
    your dreams appear,
    fresh hope in another year started.

    Although not there,
    know I'll always care,
    a hug I send with this poem.

    Happy Birthday --- ---,
    please know to me,
    you'll forever and always be,
    my friend.


  • elli_mcfarlane 1w


    When my tyre exploded
    I tried to steer,
    fighting my traction control.

    Into the barrier,
    across four lanes,
    up an embankment,
    out of control.

    Crash and roll,
    shattering glass,
    then everything eery and still.

    Hindsight intact,
    I had to settle for the fact,
    that if I hadn't tried to steer,
    my car would still be here.

    An interesting metaphor,
    for so much more,
    a good guide to Life in general.

    If thy will is traction control,
    and my will is steering,
    then holding on when losing control,
    surely that is faith.


  • elli_mcfarlane 2w


    Pain leads to suffering,
    suffering lead to pain,
    my experience of the physical
    will never be the same.

    Truth be told though,
    it's ultimately my brain,
    that drives the true suffering,
    that causes the most pain.

    I'm weak, I deserve this,
    don't ask for help,
    you should feel guilty
    if relief you have felt.

    Circular thinking,
    obsessional shame,
    I've failed once more,
    fucked my recovery again.

    Such ruts easy to fall in,
    the lies easy to believe,
    my addict brain rationalising
    relapse to me.

    But this time something different,
    a fledgling new thought,
    maybe relapse isn't inevitable,
    maybe shame an unjustified thought.

    So I take a new action,
    I reach out my hand,
    asking for help in the madness,
    to escape mental quicksand.

    Short-circuiting obsession,
    progress over perfection,
    past compulsion stopped in its tracks.

    Turning pain into pleasure,
    proud beyond measure,
    I'm slowly changing my ways.

    For the first time ever,
    my future seems better,
    learning to reframe my concept of pain.


  • elli_mcfarlane 2w


    Now steadfast in recovery,
    I owe you an apology,
    I can only pray my
    amends be received.

    Addiction within,
    cast me with sin,
    a demon born
    when I started.

    Intoxicated haze,
    unaware of my ways,
    I left you broken hearted.

    Words are hollow,
    I know now the sorrow,
    I inflicted in my daze.

    I've cast out the devil,
    my spirit now level,
    I've committed to
    changing my ways.

    The old me reborn,
    yet I remain somewhat forlorn,
    at how my world has changed.

    My apology now written,
    a response no need be given,
    just know I'll love and miss you forever and always.

    I'm sorry.