Sigh. I take tired breaths. How long will it take to step out of the failure zone i am in. I've failed every single aspect of my life. I've failed to bear my own existence to such an extent that i don't know what do with it anymore. All my failures face me when i look in the mirror. Dull black eyes stare at me , throwing my ugliness back at me. My reflection smirks at my lowered eyes. I'm unable to muster up my courage to stare back at the evil. I give in. Every time. The world feels like a black box suffocating my existence within.
Summer. Autumn. winter. spring.
No light can change the darkness i live in. The suffocating aura of my ownself. No one can save me, from me. I'm my own enemy.
// They ask me to bring out my pain. I try to tell, but all in vain. The oceans that i hardly swam, How can i drown in them again? //
I sing silent songs of melancholy to myself. A melody of pain which can put writers in agony. A tune which can make them bleed their hearts out. But my voice. Oh. It doesn't reach anyone. It's burried 6 feet under. It doesn't reach the living. No, the breathing ones don't hear. they don't. they're busy hearing the whispers of future. Past is forgotten. No one wants it back. And yet, again i start singing.....
// You broke my heart a thousand shards, and each shard into shard again.........
The rhythmic flutter of raindrops reached my ears , soothing the inner rage , slowly lulling the fire within me to smoke. And i tighten my grip over the blue lead pencil as if examining life within me. Opening and closing my weak fists i let out a deep sigh. A lone tear ready to slide down my cheek. But it doesn't. It freezes from the coldness my soul has been put in since the day they buried you. Ah ! much like threw you away into a deep , suffocating rectangle they dug six feet in earth. I wonder why aren't humans as forgiving and generous as God is, but then, the comparison is absurd. How ironical is that. Slip out of your boundaries and death awaits you eagerly.
I remember how exceptionally long and cold that night was. It was the coldest night of the year. Chilly night of scorching August. Each second passed by after a long grey year. God i don't understand time. It surely has a strong bond with our feelings. I wrote many incomplete verses that night.. as if my words yearning to be shaped into a poem and console me that this deafening silence before storm is just a fragment of some uneasy thoughts arising at the back of my mind. The clock ticked 3.... 3 a.m in the morning and my uneasiness peaked. I looked at the moon and it shed gloomy moonlight everywhere and over the dense , scary tree beside our garage. Each leaf adorning some over it's top and dripping down some to the rough greyish courtyard blocks beneath. Is it us who see everything washed in our emotions or is it really nature playing cognitive empathy? My lips slightly turn upwards, i thank i don't know whom. And then the storm really hit at my doorsill... But we survive. We don't die. We don't.
//My pages brimmed with verses covered with blood-tears my swollen eyes had shed in your name. My poems turned into masterpieces creating multiple cavities within me. People clapped at my pensive words that were dipped in gloom or the emptiness i crowned. I never knew. But i learned to fill the cavities within me , with self love that I'm still learning... Yes, i remember you once said , " People move on with life. They move ahead. Some take years and some take decades.. but they do. They do! No one dies for someone." It scared me back then... it still scares me...i whisper your last words "no one dies for some- " and a deep slumber hallucinates my mind.... This is how nights pass by. This is how i skilled living//
ps:Thankyou for reading it , if you have. I wrote after long idk if it's worth even a single read.
Mama... did i ever tell you that only your hug heals me? I'm so tired my limbs are numb and heavy. Mama you say your daughter hasn't faced life yet... Should i tell you that I've been through life and neared death? I'll never be able to say how much i missed hugging you. I wish I never grew up so i could get your warm hugs and kisses. Mama please stand out of your daughter's room door once at 2am. I'm sure you'll run to hug me and recollect my pieces. Mama it's really sad to think that my diary knows me more than the diva who gave me birth. I miss your warmth.
ps:one request dear peeps,pls pray for my health ❤
Dark. Pricking dark settles down on me as i step ahead. I call out your name walking in God knows which place. My heart sinks. My ears dying to receive your voice and my heart anticipating to synchronize with yours. You were here just a while ago. Weren't you? Or was i dreaming in my dream? I take steps carefully fearing I'd fall into another cavity. It doesn't matter if i walk with eyes open or close all i see is nothing. Am i walking in the nothingness of my soul ? And then I hear you. My steps halt. You call me once again... "Love?" My heart recognizes the pain behind your voice.
" Aye , love? Don't go far."
I close my eyes as warm tears of my cold behavior flow from my eyes. I keep my hand on my heart and whisper , " Love..." I call out your name after three good seconds. "Take me out. Please take me out." I hear you chuckle and then sniff. Were you crying? and i hear your voice again...
" Come back to me"
I wake up. But my heart yearns to go back to that darkness. Just to hear you. Just to feel you. Warm tears of my cold behavior flow, yet again.
The aphotic sky supported by dense clouds , full of sorrow,a moment away from bursting out. They say when the sky roars, it mourns over a heart freshly broken. The roaring sky terribly synchronizes with the heartbeats of a lamenting heart , amplifying its silent cries. Wintry gusts sweep across the horizon carrying private warnings to some. To the broken and to the who ones who break. Tiny hair arise all over my skin as i let the harsh weather in. Even if i dominated control over my heart i could never stop it from mourning over the pain which has gotten on in years. To them , it looks so. But , to me it's ghaslty anew. As if every moment is on replay.
Autumn looks pretty to every eye but it looks prettier to eyes that have shards within and tears that have salty promises. I wish we could drive to the fringe of this chaotic life and have a small break and for a while , just to keep away the heavy pretence that we carry.
// When tear glands go dry, and
barren lands of dark circles need life,
when heart explodes in agony,
and bleeds a warrior's poetry ,
soaked in red of hopelessness ,
and drenched in acid of helplessness ,
some broken verses and broken words
together make a poet's heart. -elegantlabyrinth
ps: Ty for reading this if you have. idk what this is. This is how we define life. we don't know it.