This is a rant which I wrote a few days ago on the night when I found out people in my family and my neighbours being Corona positive. I felt so scared and disappointed and the feeling of "ah shit, here we go again" came. So I decided to write. For it was the only sane thing, as I've mentioned in the piece as well, around me.
Also, for people who knew I'm gone, I'm back!
@writersnetwork just letting you know. Will read everyone soon, I promise. I love you guys.
Some people are angel, so god takes them away from us.
Life was back then a piece of cake, Or I can say it was like banoffee pie, Which had some tough phases yet sweet from all side. When I see things from a bit away from all way, I find myself more weak, then I was back. Indeed, I lost many people, Some called me as ‘ you are close to me' And few said , ‘it's good meeting you'. Some were just people, some were evil in people.
The day before my birth , I lost my grandpa, Some said,“ new child is sin", But my grandma held me tighter, and cried the moment she saw me for first time, My mom says my grandma loved me more than anyone else. Sometimes I feel now, that was the reason I always felt crying on her lap was more safe then crying under the pillow in my teens. I remember when I was 12, She got paralyzed , she was unable to talk with me, She use to sleep quietly on bed seeing the roof 24/7. And I use to tell her about my first love and make my heavy heart free, she use to make a small touch to hold my hand, And make me feel better with touch of her love, Rather than blaming me,I made a mistake. I was never worth holding for anyone, So I started building my own world, The day my grandma left this world.
I still regret about the thing, and I will regret till my last breath I couldn't meet her for the last time, I feel weak the moment I see no one as mine, My tears burst into flames,my hand shiver And then things becomes more difficult than I can imagine.
Today, when I couldn't tell anyone, What is my heart going through? I write out things, I see my childhood photos, and make myself realise I should be happy, But it's better said somethings can't be change, So is my mindset.
Second thing, My heart is patched with, Is the memories of my My paternal grandfather, He always use to tell me, “ beta, life is more than we think", I was too small to understand the things, He wanted to convey, Everyday after school, he use to take me on his shoulder and then sit under the shadow of banyan tree, Then my small soul use to play with him, And sometimes he did tell me , About his love story, How he was 16, and paternal grandmother was just 14, I didn't understand anything about the innonence of love they had, How society was against their love?, How they fought for their love, The courage they had to fight with world, Rather than just counting the things which they couldn't achieve. When 18 years old me, Today rewinds the things he said, I can see the true essence, But the thing is that I don't see myself that firm to inculcate the things he wanted me to be .
Unfortunately, he too left me in middle of the journey, But I know he is seeing me from faraway, When I cry in middle of night, Through stars or through the courage I carry everyday to face the next truth .
Sometimes, I feel like meeting him so badly, And tell him how I failed to connect the things he wanted to convey, How I feel weak in crowd of many, How people said they are mine and walked away holding something else How things becomes more difficult when I touch it, How I'm emotionally more dead now,and try to build a distance from all, How my heart is just flowing in flood, I never wanted to touch, How your granddaughter lost all hope rather than helding herself as strong as you were, How I started calling love as attachment, How I broke when I saw my people are not mine How I died the day, I knew all promises were just an agreement, How I'm no more a human?
Will you both listen me? Will you try to hold me even after knowing I scored good in academics rather than scoring in life? I just want to hug you and cry once, may I ?
When crossed fingers cross their path with the hope, eyes are closed and luck is explored. How badly can you wish for something to happen when the longest distance your sight can see is a bunch of moments which within seconds seal.
What do you even ask and how do you even prioritise your wishes? When your wishes are always something your sane mind knows would barely happen. You just don't wanna carry a burden of regrets when later you'll recall if you asked for it with any selflessness. So repeat it again and again and again till you'll have it by heart even after nothing lasts.
I tell you how it isn't in your hands what happened then, happens now and later when all you did is just be there anyhow. And even if it was would you really do it if all you want to carry forward is balanced peace and nothing else as of nows?
Things wither in seconds people drift away within feelings and none of them wait to bloom elsewhere where there aren't any traces of you.
If ever required do ask yourself if you'll try your best find a piece of solace there and comfort the aches. There's no any if but a surety that it'll be the most ignored italicized yes. With curves and points that you should tattoo it on your wrist. When the time will come show the constant hands and you'll need not fake an extra smile after the one which is supposed to be a laugh at yourself under your breath.
But the next time when you cross them don't hesitate to smile before saving it for later doesn't sound that good so do it already better.
The transition from the thought that not everyone is bad to the reality that not everyone is good was so smooth that at every rough stage your life as if took a turn. Some are bad was what your heart thought. The otherwise is what your heart learnt. Consider yourself lucky until one of the other some stays back and smiles.
Love and kindness both are kinda similar something that can make a wrecked heart feel light can bruise the shoulders of the one carrying it without getting same back. Both could be the feathers stitched on your back but things change like weather and some of it never returns back.
She scolds him for treating other's wounds like his very own. He smiles, I see the good glinting in his eyes clean. He says it's okay, I feel peace floating in my chest bleak.
Your grandpa I remember how tried to give justice being holder of the chair and bolder of the rest. The peace in the air always remained there the intentions left open were appreciated, I guess. He didn't give up on any ethics to be showcased as right. So, atleast now you should try to have some pride, in him already but now in yourself, 'tis the time. And the lost ones too never left the respect the good lies in the blood why will anyone inspect?
You thought this all sitting in the window stalking neighbour's unhappy balcony. The patient owners will be heartbroken to see their plantings going all dry without anyone. Why does it make you sad or who are you to feel that? You shouldn't do a few things I mean but your wants are just beyond any warnings.
Know the enoughness is never enough for hungry, thirsty, blinded hearts. You'll try and try but never sail afar and be left with uncountable scars.
Loving the scars than hating the cuts, loving yourself than hating else just. Fills you slowly with anything than negative dust.
Lemme get to earning I'll buy you bouquets on every other day when previous nights will try to slay. Accept it, will you? And don't just feel but without any hesitation, return it please. Give and take transactions of such forlorn emotions are meant to be carried out between us. You are enough for yourself even if for none else, is enough to compensate any other strange curse.