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  • dopamine 15w

    @allbymyself @vansnikatandon @sangfroid_soul

    How much more can I take?

    Last write up for this year.

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    Anger: An addiction

    - I drink anger for breakfast,
    pour some on my pancakes
    some in a burger
    and gulp down
    two more shots
    before going to bed,
    but I never puke and it stays-
    it stays and it seeps
    in my arteries and veins
    to my heart and brain
    and when it does
    I inhale air
    which passes through anger filters
    alvelois trap some with in and
    I exhale air
    deoxygneated with
    4% madness
    and I store it all in,
    all in-
    magma burns the brain
    a fire rises in soul
    chaos swirls in heart
    but words,
    words shiver behind teeth
    and tongue is
    too week to push them
    out
    larynx gives up
    I sigh
    a sigh of exhaustion
    and gulp down
    two shots of anger
    I sleep

    -
    dopamine

  • dopamine 21w

    My ma's been buttering me with love ever since her egg turned into a zygote, but the people around have been scalping off love with razors that left behind cracks. Once I was walking on a street full of humans, self doubt then settled down like dust between bones, my ma ran towards me with a cloth to dust away the toxin, but before she could reach me, the wounds were sewed and I was tied to a window while my ma broomed around the house that had its own layers of filth, conspiracies, lies and politics. As the sun sets, she'd make piles of all the garbage she's gathered and would turn to me with more love, but before she could reach me, the trash was thrown on her. I was tied to a window, with self doubt in my bones- the hair that grew on me were of hatred, no matter how many times they were waxed, they'd grow back again. My dad called me strong, and I asked ma why'd he say so and she told me because I'm a warrior but I didn't tell her that every warrior is not strong and warrior just might be an overstatement, for someone who fights with life in day to feel like they belong in it, and with demons at night to feel like they don't belong with them is a warrior ? And did I add the word, fails? Pimples on my face, and I call them failure and self loath for they too won't leave. There's skin and there are scars and there's more skin over them. It's then coloured with rainbows and smiles, tears don't wash away the colours but they do smudge them a little, so the layers on the top, they're beautiful. There are holes in my soul from the thumb pins that were stuck in it everytime I was heart broken or I broke a heart which was later filled up with ignorance.

    I never knew who I was, there were way too many layers and I'd been pretending they are a part of me,and now I have forgotten who I am.

    Can love help me find my way back to myself again? If yes, will you butter it on me the way ma used to?

    -
    dopamine

    #layers

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    Layers over all these years

    Who am I? A pile of layers.

    -

    dopa

  • dopamine 25w

    I write in secrecy maybe that is why I write at all.

    I frame my words into a sketch of someone who is not me but someone who lies in every heart out there along with fear.

    I avoid truth bombs because they can ignite wars between hearts and minds and you don't want to loosen your grip on suppressed emotions because you'll need them later to beautify your poem.

    I place truths on a balance against 30 grams of guilt, then place it in a beaker and pour in 70 litres of lies. I add metaphors; adjectives to diluted truths according to the number of paragraphs- not too much, not too little, just enough.

    With my father off to deep seas and grandma struggling to breath, I add a pinch of emptiness and a bucket of pain in those words, ending it with a sigh of exhaustion.

    My ma's calling my name so I'll end this abruptly and hide my diary under the sheets,

    I write in secrecy, maybe that is why I write at all.

    -
    dopamine

    -now it's on you to deduce how diluted this piece is-

    @allbymyself @aureate @iamsleepy @meru_mukh now, this? *sighs in disappointment*

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    Why and how do I write

  • dopamine 29w

    /Maybe we are all leaves,
    some live up to see the browns and some
    depart in the yellows but we all end up on the ground/

    #leaf @allbymyself @aureate @iamsleepy

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    wonder, ponder, sonder

    What if a leaf out there,
    despises the greens and wishes
    on a shooting star for rain to pour it with colours.

    In a world full of misfits,
    we all desire for perfection even
    after our hearts make peace with the flaws.

    Every leaf is different
    from the other like fingerprints with
    pigments of hope, pain, guilt, love, gaiety and misery.

    We write poems and sing songs,
    each verse is all the same but alot different
    reflecting chaos and calm which doesn't rhyme but still flows.

    Maybe we are all leaves, some green some brown our minds full of knots yet we look
    full and empty
    serene and tired
    plain and wrinkled

    -
    dopamine

  • dopamine 30w

    Beauty is incomprehensible and it lies in every nook and corner of our little world.

    Our universe is a chaotic piece of art with strokes of paint, mixed in tears and smiles, smeared all over the blues and greens. It's like a rubik's cube, but with 56 colours instead of 6, randomly placed inspite of their shade or type and every combination they form is different and enthralling.

    There's beauty in imperfection and uncertainty and that is what life stands for. The voids are not empty but waiting to be filled, for there's beauty in hope and in failure because when you add a teaspoon of light in a pot of darkness, it will shine like no star ever has.

    Beauty is a town- a peculiar one as it resides is us rather than the other way around. It is built with grey bricks, older than humanity has known and it stands tall on pain and love, dreams and aches. And this town comes with a well of realization, for only those who believe in beauty, can feel beauty.

    //beauty ain't a woman, but beauty is you and beauty is me//

    -
    dopamine


    @allbymyself @aureate
    @writersnetwork @mirakee @writersbay

    #beauty #townc Temporary most probably.

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    Beauty: a town that's reside in us

  • dopamine 41w

    Pursuit of happiness and contentment

    We don't quite understand what happiness is. We have mispresented it's idea. Some bars too low, some so high. Maybe happiness for us is a distraction from the v o i d s of our soul.

    This world needs a SI unit for happiness cause for some it's sleeping in late, getting an opportunity to play video games all day or watch TV shows. While some spend every second every minute every hour looking for happiness in every person they meet, under every stone they see.

    But everyone has the same question, "Why does happiness leave your heart faster than the s
    a
    n
    d in your fist?


    Happiness and contentment are linked together but we only aim for the former. How will something stay unless you accept it. Do people stay if you don't embrace them? They leave gradually cause every one of us is seeking attention from something or someone.

    Lack of contentment leads us beings to kill the fragile human in us. Lack of satisfaction is like a scary shadow that follows us everywhere we r
    u
    n
    We are either too young and naive or too old and wise to grasp the concept of this complexly simple thing.

    If we measure happiness in hap. Every one of us has experienced atleast 1hap of happiness once in our life.
    It's the small and random things but not the meaningless ones.

    Happiness is in different forms, but so is force but they're all measured in newton. Seeing a sunrise and a sunset are both happiness but different branches. One has more contentment than the other. You decide which one.

    Maybe, we need to understand, once in a while it is okay to pursue happiness.
    Not by studying psychology. No research work but
    by writing our own
    definition,
    theory,
    glee.

    -
    dopamine

  • dopamine 42w

    #tbnc tale behind the name

    How do I not look back
    when the mirror infront of my eyes
    shows me all the lanes I(we) have been through
    some smooth, some rough
    but with your hand in mine
    my heart in yours. Persistent.

    How do I not run back
    when the path ahead is scary
    while the ones with the traces of your footsteps
    and our love are placid
    who'd kill the monsters feasting
    on my dreams, if not you. Intripid.

    How do I not want you back
    when you got me addicted to dopamine
    dependant on your smile to give my heart a dose of
    happiness instead of wine
    but when you left, you took away the keys
    to my glands, now I rely on solanin. Poison.

    How do I not write you back
    even after you stopped sending me letters
    my words have always revolved around your existence
    blur in the middle, focused on the edges
    jagged, sharp and satisfying
    words too are falling short to fill the holes you left. Voids

    -
    dopamine

    a quick scribble, hope it's good enough.
    @allbymyself @greypages_ @despair

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    Dopa-mine

    You were my dopamine doses back then
    Now I inject myself with your memories,
    words and poison in hope to feel a smile
    hooked on these chapped lips again

    Do you remember how I used to call you
    -mine-

    -
    dopa(mine-no longer)

  • dopamine 44w

    i wanted to write something buoyant so i titled it love. it took me two hours to stop, tear the page, wipe away the tears and realise how love is not sanguine but a journey with no mirrors placed at the blind turn, dusty roads that start from one end of the rainbow but rarely do the travelers find the other end.

    i flipped the next page and titled it family because they say a happy home is where family is. within an hour i found myself tearing that page. it took me five minutes to gather pieces of myself i spilled in the last hour.

    a deep breath.

    i titled the next page as friends but it took half an hour for the memories to wrap me and suffocate my already choking lungs. i tore off another page while inhaling toxic mist of betrayal with watery eyes.
    (betrayals are worst than onions. noted?)

    i scrolled through various apps for an hour searching for joyous quotes but ended up questioning their authenticity, as my heart was still withering. i put my phone away when it hit me, "writers write for themselves." those positive lines, were them watering their own heart. they won't pull me out of the pit but they did pull 'them' out.

    i titled the last page of my journal 'sanguinity' and i wrote about the sky. how it's so vast, and holds itself and everything together. it helps me believe in hope. in myself. in good after bad. i call it, sky-a friendly void.

    i wrote about him. about her. who'd walk behind me in the storm with a broken rainbow on his shoulder and a withered flower in her hand. i have waited for them to stop, to return. but their belief in me was stronger than a rainbow and a flower.
    i wrote about my parents's eternal love. the pure relation between me and my siblings.

    i did not write about toska but selcouth.
    i wrote about accepting the lacuna. not filling it.

    i wrote about happiness and i felt it. the flower in my heart is blooming, slowly.

    -
    dopamine

    ------------------------------------

    I wrote this while seeing a sunset.
    My journey hasn't ended but I now know the purpose. I'll write here again when I feel like it.

    @aureate @allbymyself
    @sangfroid_soul come back soon. ��
    @writersnetwork

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    sanguinity

  • dopamine 44w

    Air is haunting. Need something to replace it.

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    Vacancy

    Twisted the cap off of a water bottle with my clumsy fingers, distant brain and beating heart not because I was thirsty, but because the empty glass was bothering me

    Poured water in the glass as I gawked at at it filling the emptiness, pushing out the air. Air, a false hope that you are full, but nothing is more empty than a jar with air in it. Hence I poured, until the glass was half

    Full

    Overflowing

    Until the bottle was empty.

    Hastily I picked up another one, flipped the cap open with my steady fingers, focused mind and racing heart. I poured yet more water in to the choking glass untill the bottle was empty.

    I sat in a pile of water and despair with another bottle in my hand, the glass asking me to stop but the hollowness in my body wasn't filling up so I opened the cap. I poured. I wished.

    -
    dopamine

  • dopamine 45w

    It'll be okay. (Temporary like pain and happiness)
    @aureate @allbymyself @sangfroid_soul

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    Habromania

    Mama asks me,
    "Why do you smile everytime the thermometer touches your head?"

    How do I tell her I live in a world of illusions
    My hope is shaggy yet I hold dreams with my shivering hands and blotched arms
    Light is seeping through the holes in my lungs faster than air
    And my heart clotted, has stored darkness
    But I nevertheless believe
    A smile can make it all alright
    'I am okay ma. It'll be okay'
    And I smile wider
    As the lies feast on my soul
    -
    dopamine