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  • despair 26w

    You are sensitive, and that's what
    makes you extremely compassionate.
    So the next time you get hurt, say thankyou.

  • despair 30w

    First heal yourself, then show the way to other's.

  • despair 32w

    You can heal a decade of trauma in a year if you want to. In order to heal, you need to acknowledge the bittersweet truth that there's something that needs to be healed in the first place. You cannot kickstart your healing journey unless you go within and identify the repetitive patterns, behaviours and triggers that need to be released. You can blast off music and forget about your problems but that won't undo the truth that they still exist in areas of your mind you cannot reach out to and continue to create trouble in your waking life.

  • despair 81w

    I cannot describe how hard it is to snuggle against my pillow in the dim dim light with guilt hovering my mind in the cave of your thoughts. It's Saturday night and I wish I could rub off the taste of your hurt that's slowly growing on my burnt skin. 8:00 p.m. and the ache is still here.

    I could stay this way for the longest time.

    A glass of vodka and a drunk note named after you is lying under my bed, mocking at me, I'm drunk on melancholy for the night. I have enough alcohol to drown in my pain tonight. Enough to escape.

    Get out of my head please. Before I kick you out. Cause I don't want to. My head is not a safe place to reside. So leave, and remember to knock next time before you enter.

    4 poems later, I'm losing my appetite for your love, feed me more sadness please. Else I might die.

    And damn, it hurts to say, but that wouldn't be a great sight. I hope it isn't.

    "Write me a poem" - I've written hundreds. But you're not here to read them anymore. My words are though. I doubt if I love you or love these abandoned poems now.

    "I love what a glorious mess you are" - You don't. You wouldn't fade away when I was falling apart had you meant that. You lied big time. And I fell for the trap.

    Every time I'm finally close to loving myself, you snatch my heart away from me, clawing out blood and stomping it under your feet. How do I keep it safe if you keep walking over me over and over and over and over again?

    I'm tired now. After a million attempts, I'm tired. And worn out. I am bereft of tears. It's just alcohol now. And I'm dying slowly. My bones are rusting. And I'm continuing to die.

    But it's okay. It always is.

    -07.08.2019

    ________________________________________________
    They fucking lie when they tell you that every cell in your body regenerates itself every 11 months because I still feel these emotions, only with greater intensity this time and it physically hurts to go through it all over again.

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    I would drown in champagne for you
    if you promised to love the drunk me.

  • despair 81w

    You continue to break me like your thoughts and leak my pieces everywhere you go across L.A. Your boots have seen a petal mourning for me at every cementry you've ever been to. You see a ghost of me, and although it crushes my bones, I try to smile through my crooked teeth and bloody gums while my breath remains hitched.

    (I'm the most toxic thing you've ever come across. There's poison in my veins and dust on my lips. You turn around and storm away refusing to kiss the ash settled on my cheeks. Tears wash them away but it's already too late.)

    You think it'd be damn good to not hear from me again, but lean in closer and you'll hear how badly I've been hoping for you to save a piece of me for your own self.

    (My heart won't stop throbbing and it's 2 a.m. as my mind is hung on the song you thought would tear me apart. I wish it didn't. I wish it didn't. I wish you didn't. But my heart's just adamant like me. You made me believe in zodiac signs and now, I hate that I do.)

    My therapist wants to unlayer me but I can't tell her that she has to study you to understand what pain I'm going through. I'm 1 hour and 10 minutes late here and I call you thrice but you reject my call and abandon me like the extra cauliflower in your soup and I don't know what to do, so I string a lame excuse together and miss my third appointment in less than a week.

    (I wish you'd charged your phone last night before dozing off while talking to your friend about the assignment that went wrong. You always had your priorities straight and I wish I could learn that from you but my mom knows I'm a bad student, have always been.)

    2 years ago you asked me if people frown in their dreams and my answer was no. Fast forward to two years, maybe on a windy Friday morning I'd tell you how your nightmares make me feel drunk on broken love but you just don't seem to care and hell, I'm too tired to fix any of what's left in me.

    (Running my fingers over the cosy coffee mug, I peek into my empty soul. I pour over coffee to fill the voids in my body but I end up burning my fingers and staining my shirt. You froze my heart with unmeasurable hatred and fuck, one cup of coffee cannot melt it down so easily.)

    -18.07.2019

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    Thou art to me a delicious torment

    - Ralph Waldo Emerson

  • despair 81w

    You and I were flowers
    from the finest
    treasure trove,
    Athirst but flowers.
    Dessicated but
    blossoming
    into wooden and
    dispassionate aromas.
    You were art for
    my heart's sake,
    And I was art
    for art's sake.

    In a city of burnt fragrances
    we coexisted.
    Basking the same
    burning sun,
    Shaking the same
    dust off the wind.

    Every time my paper soul
    took flight,
    Your contented winds
    put me to sleep.
    Ever since you
    shut the door,
    I skipped a chapter,
    ended a cycle,
    and took my hand
    off your fuming petals.

    Thoughtless roads,
    benumbed my pain.
    It didn't matter if
    I were a prick to your rose,
    or you were the poison
    to my dose.
    In burnt books
    of forgetfulness,
    You endeared me
    in a crushing state.
    From a few black roses,
    And spiraled white orchids
    To a journal of peace,
    And rhymes of chaos
    utterly bereft,
    I glanced over, to take a
    good look at what's left.

    Cause you and I
    were flowers from the
    finest treasure trove,
    Heading for a fall,
    Craving no more walls.
    We were flowers, until
    one day, you outgrew me
    and left me parched.

    And now I don't know what to do,
    So, I open my fists
    and let go of the sediments,
    Standing at the bend
    of a road, to find
    some flowers that aren't
    rotting like the
    rest of us.

    Read More

    you might be broken when you lose yourself to the dark,
    but your shadow would still appear the same.

  • despair 82w

    my gut
    is characterless

    behind the hushed sobs
    behind the clean scenes
    behind the closet of acrid salts

    let me dissolve in water,
    i don't remember if it's
    raining or my tears make
    me feel safe, salty i am

    gear up - i don't want
    the ghost of you to
    know i'm crying, dying
    i'm too naive to think you'd care
    you're too cold to prove me right

    it doesn't sit right
    it doesn't fit right

    i look terrible,
    sleepless nights make me mad
    i need to stop hurting, i'm serious

    don't move - i feel wilderness
    in your movements
    stay here - i'll shut my eyes soon
    don't fade before i doze off

    everytime i breathe,
    blood flows out of my ears
    on the cold cold floor

    i'm exhausted,
    still inhaling your stinks
    i need to stop with the drinks
    it'll get me killed
    i'm sure that's all
    you'd wish for

    but now that you
    don't care,
    i am cupping hope
    with my parched hands

    so, pass me
    the
    tissue
    and leave.

    //leave. cause i need to remind myself -
    breathe, breathe, breathe and repeat//

    Read More

    leave. cause i need to remind myself -
    breathe, breathe, breathe and repeat

  • despair 82w

    here is a broken girl,
    wailing against the wall,
    for a love that was smoke
    and mirrors. there is cocaine
    hooked on her lips and she
    refuses to let the pain get to
    her head when midnight lurks
    around the corner of her dark
    dark bedroom. with grief-stricken
    fingers, she knits a lie and hangs
    it on her door, barring people from
    ending up in her blood smeared
    haven. all she has even known
    is hope so she hops from her seat
    when she glances at the moon and
    breaks her limb in an attempt to cage
    the brightest star in the sky with her
    tiny hands. melancholy outmanoeuvre's
    her naiveness and she falls straight
    into the arms of her lover. it's a crime
    to sniff tarnishing love off a lover's
    sleeves and sad girl's don't do that so
    she pushes him away and darts back
    into the tiny cage that submerges her
    fragility as she scatters on the floor. the
    lights of her room flicker and she hopes
    to pluck a star from a sky to hang it
    next to her dreamcatcher so he doesn't
    appear in her nightmares anymore but
    hope is a sin she cannot barter for an
    unhinged obsession and she makes the
    same mistake of jumping from the
    highest floor in the building, rubbing
    her tears away cause there are no
    stars in the sky tonight and the moon
    doesn't show up to grieve her loss. this
    time when she lands in his arms, he doesn't
    let her push him away and pulls her closer.
    she is vulnerable and he is her kryptonite
    and he knows that she melts in the right arms
    so he brushes his fingers over her wounds,
    and she prompts him to kill her one last time
    before he traces his fingers down her neck
    and tells her how she never learns from her
    mistakes. it is wildering to fathom why
    she hates this gentleman who waves at
    her every time her limbs walk away from
    him, running into the stale corners of her
    mind, too big to hover over his pale lips
    and the lustful gaze that can make her dig
    her own grave. he doesn't dare to break the
    starstruck gaze that fills her eyes with
    loosely held souvenirs from the past and
    she once again hopes that he'd confess love
    but he pulls out a dagger and stabs her as
    he whispers I love you and she smiles as she
    falls on the ground 'cause she knows that it's
    hard to escape a love that's designed to kill.

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    Maybe, I could still love myself with
    the bleeding shards that remained,
    but red was never my favourite colour
    and I no more had it in me to give it a try.

  • despair 82w

    The doors of your room are
    scared witless of the hurricane
    you had once swallowed in your
    mouth at the age of six. You marked
    countless punches on the top rails
    of your door and it took them all,
    unmoved by your outrage. It
    reminded you that certain things
    remained unchanged ever since.
    Your anger is one of them. It
    outrushes through the gaps
    of your door, wilting away the
    white roses dad had brought
    for you. You flip your book
    open and keep them anyway.
    You find peace in caressing the dead.
    You find peace in caressing the dead.
    You find peace in sniffing the same dead.

    Over the years, your door has learned to
    bottle up its angst towards you. And you
    have learned to hide your angst towards
    the world. Your door doesn't complain
    anymore. It's eyes hold deep stories of
    devastation caused by you. But it remains
    shut throughout the day.
    The same way you do.
    The same way you do.
    The same way your words do.

    Your windows don't soak sunshine
    anymore. You've learned to keep
    them closed. You often used to
    wonder why the sun didn't rise in your
    house. You used to wonder why you
    couldn't embrace sunshine the way
    you did as a kid. No one ever cared
    to tell you, until one day you grew up
    to realize that you always spread the
    grey curtains that fall on the windows
    of your secluded room cause the world
    ties everlasting expectations on
    your window plane. Gazillions of them.
    And you hate waking upto the feeling of dissatisfaction everyday. You hate it.
    It echoes the same remorseful chant
    You've let them down
    You've let them down
    You've let yourself down yet again.

    Your shirt doesn't have buttons. You
    don't mind wearing it that way cause
    you used the fragile string to stitch
    another fragile thing. Your heart. You
    wear your skirt three inches longer to
    hide the injuries casted on your left knee.
    But you fail at hiding the injuries of your
    heart nevertheless. They're written all over
    your face. They frown at your ignorance.
    But you've stopped caring long ago.
    You don't care anymore.
    You don't care anymore.
    Or maybe you do.

    You had scribbled something on your
    notepad. No one read it except your
    blurry eyes and trembling hands. Your
    apologetic eyes still look for an answer.
    They look for an answer in every person
    you've abandoned. And now, you need an
    answer desperately. You want to know if
    it's okay to run away one day if you fall
    short of words to write and tears to wipe.
    If it's okay to hide when you start to feel
    caged in the hands of the helplessness.
    You know the answer.
    And you know what you'd rather do.
    So, you crush the piece of paper and
    slip in the pocket of your denim jacket.
    You can't help but run away
    You can't help but run away
    Running away is all you do.

    You avoid answering the questions
    that make you falter every now and
    then. There are seventy eight messages
    and twenty four calls you'd put off
    cause they all had their angry glares
    fixed upon you. All waiting for an answer
    you didn't bear. You could utter what they
    wanted to hear but the questions weren't
    about to end any soon. You wish it were
    easy. You wish people could understand
    your silence and leave you on your own.
    You didn't bear answers cause they were
    expensive and you couldn't afford them.
    You couldn't afford answers.
    You couldn't afford answers.
    You couldn't afford silence either.

    You often ask yourself if life
    would've been any better if
    you had answers to the questions
    they expected from you. You
    ask yourself if there's any other
    way you can make them believe
    you are doing okay. You realise
    you do. Although you have no
    more answers, there's blood on
    your skin, still fresh from the cuts
    you had last night. There's bruises
    that gleam in the daylight, no one
    else knows about. You have no
    more answers, but maybe if they
    visit you someday, you can show
    them your wounds and tell them
    you're alright.

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    I whispered to my heart, "Is everything meaningless?"

    "It doesn't really matter", it smiled.

    Nothing matters.

    ~//Juansen Dizon//

  • despair 82w

    imagine a bird. broken beak and bleeding gums. claws towelled in blood. feathers scattered on the floor. bruised hope. failed attempts. staring into the oblivion. crashing into the terrors of the dark. feeling blue. flap flap flap. staggered breath. unable to take flight. imagine it as a last fleck of hope stomped down by a passerby. no more fluttering. only silence.

    that bird is me. i'm that bird. and i'm dead tired of the inability to love myself. it's almost tragic. i continue to torture myself with toxic thoughts - enough to give me a cardiac arrest. "calm the fury. be happy. what part of it do you not understand?". i long for an answer. i genuinely do. i am spaced out. on the edge of death. and the urge to give up is brewing stronger with every passing day. i don't know where to begin. i wonder what it'd be like to love unconditionally just for a day. to feel the same being reciprocated. or even the half of it. but the reality is so much to bear. i'm flat out exhausted and there's not a scrap of energy left in me to soften the gelid body - residue of a soul that was long dead.

    i keep dreaming of dying when all i really wish for is to be free. from the guilt hovering my mind. the noose around my neck. sometimes i feel hands around my neck. it's suffocating. i can visualise myself lying on the floor. in fragments of anxiety and anger. i am breathing but i'm not alive. i can't tell the difference, honestly. i'm losing everything i once daringly built. and i can't put an end to any of it. cause i'm my own destructor - with daggers in both my hands and a crown made of thorns working against me.

    my heart is a giant pit and there are too many wounds and holes to fill. while i eagerly wait to watch my petals blossom, i'm breathless. and convinced that i'm gonna wither away. it's one of those nights when i wish someone could sing me to sleep. it's been so long i've closed my eyes. i fear i'll never open them again if i do.

    i want to draw a heart and fill it with colours. blue. pink. purple. and yet, all i manage to draw is a pair of eyes with tears trickling down. and smudged mascara concealing tales of its own. i lost a track of triggers. everything makes me insecure lately. pricks my will. i catch myself crying and i don't remember why. my head hurts. my jaw hurts. my chest hurts. everything hurts. everything. i'm not sure if death could get any worse. i carry the weight of my sadness and it keeps feasting on me. there's a knot in my throat. it feels wrong. everything feels wrong. it all feels so heavy. i never knew how to take care of my heart. it's a shame that i still don't.

    i took myself for granted. it has become a habit now. i traded my peace for nothing. from the moment sun rises to the moment it sets, i'm waist deep in my thoughts. consumed by the wave of overwhelming emotions. and i don't know what i feel anymore. it feels like i'm lying on my deathbed. chin up, back straight. they say "stop crying" oh well. i can't talk. i can't move. my bones are damaged. and so am i. it's terrible at night. there's a noise haunting me, nudging me to prod the dagger straight into my rib cage. i try to look past it, hoping for it to disappear. but it's still here. mourning for a mysterious death. and i think to myself, "how long will i pretend to be alive before i ultimately boil and die?". there are no answers. only silence.

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    the world told me
    I was blue and
    I showed them
    my darkest shade.