Every time I see a knife I just want to take my life As it's always happiness which stays brief Expiry date is not found for existing grief.
Years of nothingness Depression caused unwillingness To move on and do something Often threatens that I'm not going to get anything.
There are some days when I have it together Then comes a slight trigger and feels like everything's over. It's not the event which hurts but whatever Has hurt all these years come alive and feels like forever
Is destined like this for me. Will I ever feel genuinely happy? A phase of void is what I'm going through lately But you know what, I'm not gonna give up easily.
I will walk through this fire And will still spread music like a lyre. I will be forgiving myself and giving Love to others. Yes at times I've felt suicidal. Yet I'm still living.
----------------------------------------------- True story. A conversation that changed me. #little_grownups A read, please? -----------------------------------------------
Reading time - 3 minutes (max)
"We will have two coca-colas and a medium vegetable pizza. That's it." My mom ordered and returned the menu to the waiter.
We had just finished our parent-teacher meeting. It was on our way back home that my mom decided to take me out for lunch. Somewhere deep inside I was confused as hell.
"Why is ma treating me a pizza when I scored a beautiful 2 out of 50 in Math and History? Maybe she wants me to eat properly before she starts whooping my ass. Maybe.." I thought to myself until mom broke her silence.
"Abhiram, I brought you here to talk to you about something important. You're a teenager now, you've reached puberty. It's one of the most important time of your life, do you understand?"
"Aah, okay.." I replied, totally confused.
"It's during this period that the way you look at girls or women will change. There's something called hormones secreted in your body, let's call it "moody liquid". It's this liquid that will play with your head and make you crave for things or induce temptations that you could never think of in all these years."
"What?" I was blank. The only liquid I cared about at that point was my coke.
My mom then took out a paper from her bag.
Wait, before I continue, during the parent-teacher meeting, my class teacher, Divya was praising me left, right and center until at one point she requested me to go for a long walk as she wanted to talk my mom about something personal. I knew what that meant, based on my experience, I understood that this was about my marks, so I left the room and went for a long walk. Who cares anyway?
Coming back to the paper. So she unfolded it and showed it to me. It had drawings of breasts on it. Boobies of all shapes drawn from all angles. Trust me, I didn't draw it at all. It was my friend Nishanth who had drawn it. My mom thought that it was me. I badly needed that coke now.
"Aaahh ma? what is this? This is not mine, I didn't do it." I knew what it was.
"Abhiram, you know what it is. It's ok, that's what I was talking about. It's not you, it's the act of your moody liquids."
"Moody liquid?? For heaven sake, I don't even know how to draw a proper circle free handedly." I thought to myself.
"As a doctor let me tell you, It happens to everyone be it a boy or a girl, but as a sensible adult, it is my responsibility to make things clear to you. Okay?"
I watched the waiter bring out the pizza from the kitchen. I was happy as the moment had come for me to relish it until he served it to the next table with a smile. Duffer. That was my level of foul words back then and so was yours! Okay?
"I know you're waiting for the pizza, but I would like to end it here by saying one thing Abhiram...
No matter how a girl looks, she is beautiful. She is as beautiful as your cousin sister or even my sisters. Always respect them with a smile and maintain a foot distance from them. No matter where you are, no matter how successful you might be, people will always be watching you. You don't want to get into trouble, do you?"
"Yes ma, I shall remember this, don't worry. " I replied as I watched the waiter fill my glass with coke.
It's been 9 years since this conversation took place, I'm 23 today. Somehow, somewhere from having a pizza with my mom to having pizza with numerous female friends of mine throughout these years, I grew up.
At times I look back and wonder, If only my friend had not drawn them on my notebook, if only I was not caught, would I be the same person I am today? Or would I be a lost soul wandering around the streets ogling at women and rating them mentally? I'll never know....
Big shout out to all the women whom I've met in my life. Thank you. :)