Twenty-one year old writing about her past struggles & current process to sucess

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  • darkness_within 30w


    I want to let you go
    But you left me with a noose
    Tight around my neck
    And it's hard to breathe
    I wish you would just loosen the knot
    Or allow my feet to touch the ground
    But you left me hanging
    In the middle of the desert
    With no life in sight

    Why did you leave me stranded?
    Why did you leave me
    Trying to catch my breath?
    Why did you leave
    When you almost promised you would stay
    Why did you lie?
    Why did you not seem to cry?
    Was everything a lie?
    Is this noose around my neck
    Also a lie?
    Maybe this world is a lie,
    Maybe I am a lie

    And every experience
    I've ever encountered
    Was all in my head
    Because that could answer
    All my questions
    But leave me yet
    With empty answers

    I almost wish to stop breathing
    Cause that would make me forget you
    But it's so hard to
    Wrap a plastic bag
    Over my head
    Cause you also tied my hands
    Behind my back

    It feels like my broken soul
    Is hovering over me
    Laughing at the fact
    That I ended up here almost again
    But my new soul is wanting to talk back
    But I can't speak
    Cause the rope you tied
    Is so tight

    Why did you leave?
    Why did you stay?
    Why can't I stop asking questions,
    That will never bring you back
    Why did you act
    Like you were a different planet
    But were just another asteroid
    Coming to destroy my empty planet
    What was the point
    Of your disguise
    If you knew deep down
    You weren't planning to stay by my side?

  • darkness_within 32w

    Time Wasted

    Waited for an answer
    But I suppose the silence
    Was an answer in itself
    What was the point,
    Of taking me out?
    What was the point,
    Of wasting four months of my life
    Only to hear
    That you could bare pass
    You previous demons
    You knew you wanted to play me
    Or maybe you really liked me
    But you silencing
    And me overthinking
    Became too much
    And all we ever had
    Flared out
    In a number of days
    I can't say I don't lay in bed
    Thinking of you
    I have to say
    I miss you
    Yet I at the same time
    I don't
    Maybe cause this happened before
    So it's nothing new
    Or maybe I never really let you in
    And it's all in my head
    Either way
    Time wasted
    But experience added
    To my memory file
    I wish things could have ended differently
    Instead of us not saying
    But I suppose all the ties
    I wanted to wrap around you
    Became loose
    And I didn't wanna bother
    Trying to tie them again
    Because a fie will start
    And burn the ropes
    As I'm trying to tie them
    Around your waist
    It was good while it lasted
    It's going to be a while
    Before I let you go
    And let someone new in
    It hurts how this played out
    Cause now I feel
    Like it was your motive all along
    But I'll bare pass this
    And pass by you
    But I'll never allow myself
    To be destroyed by you

  • darkness_within 33w

    Maybe I'm Just A Girl

    My body is begging me
    To scream my lugs out
    But I have no breath
    I have no thoughts
    Just wish a car will not stop
    And hopefully
    I could just lay dead
    Cause it's tiring lately
    Thinking of things
    That have been done and said
    Leaving me all alone
    And have no one to hold
    My mother cries with me
    She understands my pain
    But she can only do so much
    Because I feel at fault
    For loosing everyone
    I've ever loved
    I'm crying and screaming
    Had a thought this morning
    Wishing to see a glimmer of blood
    Instead of seeing a plate
    Filled with food
    Can't stop thinking
    Make it stop
    Is there an off button?
    I don't even know
    What voice is mine
    And which one is demons
    It's all sounding the same
    So lately now
    I'm under a blanket
    Building a tower with wet tissues
    And filling a cup
    With my favorite red wine
    I hope this will pass
    Because I don't want to pass
    But this has happened before
    And I'm wiser than before
    Or I thought I was
    Maybe I'm just a girl
    Who will always wish for death
    But never follow through
    A girl wishing to be loved
    But never be loved
    Maybe I'm just a girl
    Who'll live in an empty house
    Looking out a window
    Seeing all I want and wish
    But always in reality
    Being stabbed and lost

  • darkness_within 35w

    Recent Time

    Blades cause blood loss
    I had them in my desk
    Along with memories of harm
    Thought it was locked
    But one escaped
    Now they're all screaming
    Filling my head
    And scaring my body
    This feeling has been
    Forgotten for so long
    I forgot how to control it
    I handled it the last time
    By shoving it in a box
    Never fixing the problem
    Never addressing them
    I believed they would go away
    But all it took was one person
    To allow everything free
    Now I can't breathe

    I thought of dying today
    Cause I feel like a curse
    But instead I started screaming
    And crying
    To try and let all my pain
    And anger out
    There so much I'm feeling
    So much I'm seeing
    I'm going downhill
    Always in the night
    When my mind is allowed to wander about
    I try to catch it
    Before it speaks
    But I'm always too late
    I'm tied to a chair
    Hearing on my betrayals
    All my heart breaks
    Like it's the first time
    I've ever heard them
    I politely ask them to stop
    But they're so passionate
    To make me remember
    All it took was one person
    To open my box and release everything
    That hurts me
    I wanted to forget
    So I let it stew in the back burner
    Believed I could trust you
    Cause it's been 8 years
    And all I received was that
    You we're unhappy
    Said "goodbye"

    I never been good with friends
    I thought though you were different
    Guess you were my last hope
    Cause now I hear everything
    Believing it was all a lie
    I'm placing you with the others
    Cause hell
    They didn't want me
    They used me
    Took and took
    But never gave me a smile
    All I received
    Were words to put on paper
    And running out of tissues
    And throwing up blood
    Is there even good
    Anymore in the world
    Or are we all for ourselves
    Hurting others
    Who just wanted to care and love
    But always too much
    Because they have such a big heart
    And always left with a broken heart

  • darkness_within 35w

    Being Left

    I wanted to believe
    That you were something real
    But you turned out like the rest
    I'm sorry to myself
    For believing
    Something was genuine
    Something was real
    But everyone's the same
    Always taking piecing of me
    And leaving without a trace

  • darkness_within 36w

    Six Feet Under

    Colored myself red
    To change from
    Being blue
    Thought my mindset would change
    From haunting
    To calming
    But as I went down with my pain brush
    I thought of dirt
    Covering a grave
    Where no one was grieving
    No one took me the right way
    Cause all they continued to see
    Was my many flaws
    And never my uniqueness
    I don't regret coloring in red
    But feel sadden
    For thinking I'd cover up the blue
    Never am blaming myself
    Cause that was before
    And everything has changed
    Being six feet in the ground
    Feels heavy
    And its hard to breathe
    I'm inhaling dirt
    It's hurting my lungs
    Wish someone had a shovel
    To bail me out
    But all I have is a knife
    And I'm trying to cut dirt

    I'm still six feet under
    And I'm struggling to breathe
    There's no one around
    Asking for my scream
    I'm finally using my hands
    I'm clawing out
    Thought people around me
    Could care
    But all they did was play dares
    Fake and sympathy
    I didn't need your pity
    Yes you have left
    And I'm still underground
    But I'm trying
    I'm trying to free myself
    Not around ones
    Who fail to care

  • darkness_within 36w

    Too Much

    I'm red
    I'm blue
    Sorry my gold colored strings
    Weren't good enough for you
    Left without goodbye
    Left without words
    All you said
    Was you were unhappy
    Met each other
    Eight years ago
    Thought we had something more
    Thought you were different
    But you hurt me like the rest
    And brought all my memories back
    Screamed in the night
    Cause I saw so many faces
    And I could never seal my eyes
    Was pined down
    To listen to it all again
    Tired of you
    Tired of them
    Can't continue this
    It's become too much
    Knives and ropes
    Are not me acting on my feelings
    I only wish
    Something naturally
    Would put me out of this misery
    I'm tired of listening
    I'm tired of screaming
    Wish I could just stop breathing
    Cause it's all becoming too much

  • darkness_within 37w

    Dark Colored Liquid

    I stare at dark colored liquid
    And wish to drink it
    Took my cup
    And poured it almost to the top
    It poured out like blood
    But smells like wine
    Put a few ice cubes in
    Let the water dilute it
    Minute later
    I took a sip
    And began to feel light
    And saw someone walking
    With dark liquid on their shoes
    They were holding chains
    And marched right towards me
    I stared at my cup
    Then the footprints
    Look to see chains around my hands
    Around my neck
    Whispers were coming from every direction
    Saying words I always once said
    When I was young
    Heard their laughs
    Told me I'm no one
    I'm better off dead
    Being restrained
    I could not run
    I can not see anymore
    They poured the dark colored liquid
    Over my head
    Making me blind
    And loosing my breath
    What have I done
    Was it from staring at my knife
    And had a short thought
    Believing it'll be better if I were dead
    Think that triggered all the demons
    Think I let them look
    I should have fought
    My negative thoughts
    I should have used all my strength
    But I was drained
    And could not fight

    In this room I'm in
    With dark colored liquid
    Impairing my sight
    I have to find my way out
    Find my dragons
    Be like Daenerys
    The mother of dragons
    Fight till my death
    Because my demons have no say
    Even though they're loose
    I'll unchain myself
    I'll remove the dark liquid from my eyes
    And hide all my tempting thoughts
    Because that's not me
    I'm a fighter and I'm stronger

  • darkness_within 37w

    Tricking you

    I cover myself in black
    To cover my skin and marks
    I try and cover my face
    With foundation and mascara
    To cover my flaws and emotions
    I color my hair
    To bring out a little color
    To trick people
    And make them believe
    I'm colorful and happy
    I put lipstick on
    To bring attention to my lips
    Not my dark colored eyes

    Look at all my colors
    I'm a colorful rainbow
    Not a dark cloud
    I'm tricking you
    I'm tricking me
    That I'm sinking
    In my mascara tears
    And being chained
    By the demons
    That have escaped
    I'm tricking you
    But I'm sending you signals
    Help me
    Look I'm hurting so much
    I loosing my breath

  • darkness_within 37w


    They say talent is in my eyes
    But all I see is failure
    Put my heart and soul
    Into things that bring joy
    But once I look at the pictures
    Look at the word
    I see nothing but someone talentless
    Nothing I do
    Nothing I say
    Is ever good enough for me
    I always look at myself
    And pull back in disgust
    You're horrendous
    You're a failure
    You're a waste of space
    Nothing I do
    Is good enough
    Even though they always tell me
    They're proud
    And say they see talent
    No pats on the back
    Will ever make me believe
    That I'm someone who has talent
    Or someone who is good enough
    I'm a waste of space
    I'm a failure