I was a hopeless lunatic who wanted to end her life ! A wandering homeless orphan in quest of love, A beautiful feeling evolved in me when I least expected it, It gave me a home to go back and rest, wherever I wander ! It pushed me out of my dream world, Introduced me what reality seems like, It made me own up my feelings, It took me out of my armour, It entrusted me with a vulnerable him, It demanded a promise out of me, It extended my lifespan a little more, Made me sustain my life a few more days, It lasted only a few days, was not permanent at all, It did not pose as perfect, It did not faked up with forever promises, It did not demanded me to revolve around him, I didn't overdid anything but made me feel that I am needed somewhere, Although how much i move my pen, These words are not enough to do justice to what I felt even a bit, I thought that love would last forever : I was wrong !
I use the veil of dark night to cover myself, to hide in; I wander around masked in the chaos ! I pretend to be fine living in the castle of lies ! This armour is too heavy that, I can't carry it anymore; I am tired of this, want to get rid of this; This suffocation is not bearable anymore!
I feel crushed inside something, unable to take breath. I want to get out of this for a while to intake the fresh air ! The want to be caressed by the cool breeze, Feel the scent of dampened earth once more, To let loose in the wild, connecting to each living soul is burning inside !
Alas I was able to remove my armour ! I know that the moment I take it off and show the vulnerable me, Arrows of betrayal will pierce my heart relentlessly ! Will I be ever able to do so consciously? Will I ever able to show you the naked me living in the disguise of forgery ?
Come to me like the sun who returns to awoke the sleeping east once again, Come to me like the western breeze who caress the messy curls once again, Come to me like the baby moon who return to the give company to lonely sky once again, Come to me like the unleash of words which breaks the blunt silence once again, Come to me like the first rain of the season who soothes the dried up land once again, Come to me like the foamy waves who come back for the awaiting shore once again, Come to me like the migrating birds who returns to their nest at homeland once again, Come back to me like the ikigai of life ; to mend this broken heart which keeps on beating even today in your living memory once again !
#wod#start#i love @miraquill@writersnetwork I love you imperfectly in its every sense. My love keeps expectations on you even if it is rejected a thousand times. I dream of you every other second even though I know that I don't even reside in your mere thoughts. My love is rooted in flaws and mistakes of a lifetime. But it is genuine and stands forever unhinged. My love is deep but it always fail to bring out passion when it reaches you. It is accompanied with the fear of loosing myself and you. It is confused whether the very act of admitting will kill itself. So it is afraid to reach out and only reach out when it is under threat. But then the very passion and excitement it brings in me gets disguised as fear, insecurity and make me pretend to be cold outside. My love makes its demands but it also want to give away what it demands. The path that love drives me in is obscure that i keep on juggling throughout it. I behave weird in love. Everyday I see new shades of you in love. I pull your nerves, behave indifferently to the you, live in denial, and may rage out at you in love. I eagerly await to share every single detail of the day with you. My love just rises up untired like sun every morning and sets but only to come again next day with the same passion. I hurt myself and you in love. Is love mutual ? Yes it is, but every love is not fortunate enough to be mutual. We all love one-sided, constantly trying to give our part of love in search of drops of love to quench our thirst. Some of us are fortunate enough to find it, whereas some others don't get it. I love you to the moon but still, my love tends to be a drop in the vast ocean.
Pour down of a bottled up heart Penetrating into body inch by inch Pushing one into the void of helplessness Prick of silenced conscience in loneliness Pleading of burning depths within Peeling off layers of love, trust and hope Poetry of a shattered heart in silence
Drowning deep down in the sea of memories, Memories intoxicating sharp like old vine ! Good and bad - bubbling up within, Consuming the mind of glass occupied, Without which I will be a clean slab: stone cold and dried up with zero emotions !
Waiting to taste a drop from the sea incapable of resurrection, Haunted inside and out in their hold, Laid in a mutiny unable to choose one, Nostalgic and adamant to let them go, Yearning to be immersed in them once again, Longing to go back to them, willing to be broke apart by them ! Memories awaiting to devour me as a venomous serpent for the payback !
How do you know if its time to let go of something you were desperately trying to hold on to? It's so painful and damaging to realise that "something" is not worth it anymore. You deny, You lie, "You dread it, run from it" Doesn't matter.
I tried to be the person you expected. I tried to give you everything I had. But, somehow It was never enough. Somehow you were never happy. And somehow, it was always me. I was exhausted. Yes I'm sorry but I was. Chasing after you, all those one sided efforts, all that begging, All that trauma and anxiety and what not.
I was done. It wasn't easy. Losing you was so fucking painful. Giving up on something that I promised to fight for no matter what. But there's a limit. I still remember those sleepless nights. Couldn't even close my eyes without seeing your face, Blinking back tears every time I see your pictures, Deleting conversations and regretting instantly. Still remember each and every single fucking thing I went through.
But I had to. I deserve better, Someone who was willing to fight for the sake of us. Someone who knows what "mutual efforts" mean. I deserve to be loved.