b_gotti

A lost daughter. Troubled sister. Failed mother. Holy sinner. An honest liar. Gangster hippie. Old soul, new vibes. A fond memory with a dark mind. -B

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  • b_gotti 4w

    Tragically Forsaken

               She wears my role like a crown, I watch her ascend. When, while it was mine, we all nearly drown. In the end, I couldn't face putting my son in the ground. So ashes to ashes we all fall down. 

               Into the madness I boldly go. Yes I am a crazy bitch, but this you already know. I am told my reality is not, but a glitch . My kindness for weakness the final blow. Dealing with the cards I have been dealt has given me a twitch. So to cope With emotions I flipped the switch.

                Cold as ice, it is now time to think twice. Emotions now gone my tongue will surely slice. Like a knife straight to the heart, it will rip you apart. The will to care dead from the start. Misery shoots out from my very existence like a dart.

                I see the pain i should feel and try to remain sane, but inside my brain is a black stain. Where nothing is gained. Just darkness scattered by the rain. My emotions stay detained waiting for any control I can regain then actually retain.

                Hours to days then days to weeks. When I finally clear the haze, my outlook is bleak. The ones who are around me seem dazed and weak. Obviously, a battle's been fought and not without high cost. Surrender was sought, but now I am just lost. To the wind caution was tossed.

                 Now alone I stand in my own blood. Blood that soaked the land until nothing is left but dirty red mud. 

                 Nobody to care. Nobody who would dare love the girl with a devoided blank stare. Nobody to see inside she's bare but they also miss how, honestly, her courage is rare as is her persistence against despair. 

                  When all is said and all is done I will have to answer for all of the blood. It will be me who is to answer for the death of my son, and it will not matter how many horrific battles I have won. My judgment at the end of days will come down to the perception, of only one.  

                  My faith is broken from too many times of him ignoring the desperate prayers I have spoken. I can not make myself believe all the words in the Bible because, it's man who wrote them. So the fires of hell are waiting for me. Listen. Even now I hear my demons stoke them. It was always going to end that way it is not like I provoked them.

                   Since birth I have always felt forsaken. All happiness in my life is eventually taken. By God's will, or was it really satans? Inside my self was the only place I have ever felt strength in. Turns out, that is the place I went when my mind was breaking. Though even there I could feel my soul shaking and feel all the immense pain my body was in.

                   Could his evil have truly found me when I was the young age of 3? If so, where was God's love then to save me? Why has it never found me or set me free? 

                   As I feel satans horn push deeper inside, he stays astride. I know there is not a place on earth I can hide. I can not help but wish, I'd never been born. That way I'd have never felt my soul being torn or hold the knowledge that due to my scars, It's my dead child I'll always mourn. Who's to decide if I should stay alive? What if the guy with the crown of thorns never meant for me to survive? 

                   Until fate decides what is to be my destiny, here I will remain faithful to my misery. Living a life of banditry. Aggressively rejecting what was never meant for me. Forever seeking the love and peace promised to me, by the very same one who forgot it was he, that was supposed to save me. 


    Somebody please set me free.

    ©b_gotti

  • b_gotti 23w

    Mentalization

    Being crazy in an entire civilization obsessed with misrepresentation is really more of a realization.
    In these times of mass condemnation, there is no redemption. No matter your condition or affiliations, you have still just begun. Even with a perfect presentation and a lengthy duration, you've only succeeded in helping the inflation of our society's ego when what it really needs is starvation.
    With careful application you say your apologies loudly and to their strict specifications. You may have some expectations of something close to admiration but not expecting anything like a grand standing ovation. I mean fuck, you went by their regulations.
    Though, to your surprised mortification, you won't even get a small validation or be able to get any kind of affirmation.
    It's time to give your immediate cancellation of living this lifetime of captivation.
    To them you're just another complication who has a role to play in their games of dark deception. You have just finished your rotation so without hesitation, immediately following your declaration, they've already laid implication of your several violations.
    Using alienation they send you into a dark isolation. Then they still have the nerve to use misquotations to say you're not meeting their expectations.
    A constant continuation until the day you finally scream "fuck you" to their morbid fixation and start to ignore temptation to feed into their exploitations of your minds fascination of trying to see the variations between what is simple frustration or when you actually need sedation. The accumulation of their constant villaination means they have to find some classification able to describe their objection to my own personal obligation of self-preservation by illumination of my destructive dissolation on their manipulation. Then I approve, with great elation and high recommendations. Now sanctioned, you may call me crazy as a character assassination. Meanwhile you as a entire nation remain on your knees in collaboration of self-annihilation with eternal damnation by helping with the universal castration of real communication. So call me crazy. I'll say thank you and salutations. Count me out if this is the new normalization.
    Sincerely,
    A girl now labeled a flagrant assailant in contradiction and confusion on what was meant by our once meaningful constitution. Now based on your exaggerated evaluation on my mental cognition, I've been evicted, convicted and left vacant, Forsaken, screaming frustration silently choking on medication.

    ©B_gotti

  • b_gotti 24w

    Rise

    The fierceness of the night now over. All that is left standing is you. Morning arrives finding you somber. With it, creeps in skies of the truest blue. Lighting the scene as it bids darkness adieu.Chaos and destruction lay in the devastating battles wake. Nothing is left undamaged, no pieces even are left to take.Where once stood memories that carried you through, now lays a crypt. Telling a tale of lives lost, now all laid out in a gruesome queue. What wouldn't you give for one precious chance to start anew.. or else, a chance to finally be at peace and see heavens view.Such sights to be seen. You would no longer be unclean. You would walk amongst sights of such you have never before gleamed. Never have you seen such beauty or pastures quite as green. Listen to the wind. There are choices to be made in this moment. Your destiny remains until this second undetermined. No time to stand here lost being ambivalent. Either continue to only view all you have suffered through and let your mind take over and misconstrue.Or..
    Let your Fate be an arrow who's aim is true. Moving forward towards the rainbow shining through the aftermath, a promise left just for you. A reminder that there are joys and better nights to come that are long overdo. Will you stay on your path and triumphantly pursue a life one day up in those pastures you once couldn't wait to view?

    Its not predetermined, its up to you. Does morning bring a poor soul who's tale is a bit taboo.. or will you rise and

    Establish a champions debut?

    ©bgotti

  • b_gotti 24w

    Coming up on one year since my boy was taken from me. Killed at just 6 years old. His story still yet to be told. For now it's his love and memories I keep. Until then, The willow and I shall see if its possible we will actually heal with time, but for today, we weep.

    #sorrow #pain #grief

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    Drowning Willow

    Why do willows weep? Tell me, is it for sweet memories their roots keep? Do their sorrows know also joy, of which legends speak? How else could her pain run so immensely deep? 

    Did one day her branches once rise so very high? Were they strong and victorious, stretching towards the sky? Would she inspire awe and uplift the spirits of any who passed her by? 

    What tragedy must have befell her once peaceful spirit? Did she cry out the day it changed, trying to stop it? Was she forced to remain silent instead and just revere it? Would anyone even care enough of her anguish to try to hear it? Could they truly just turn from her agony because they fear it? 

    Will all her days under the sun, be forever shrouded in darkness? Her branches forever drooping, now completely aimless? Will time ever heal her or will the days of eternity be long and  countless? At the end of her time, will she come to have forgiveness? Or does fate hold that the willow shall forever remain, lost and faithless? 

    ©bgotti

  • b_gotti 27w

    A Solipsistic Statistic

    It's sadistic how horrific it is to wake up one day and realize you have become nothing more than a confused Statistic. Wondering how you permitted it and then, even assisted it. Questioning how you got here like, was it all scripted? How tragically insipid and more than just a little solipsistic. Really, it's not as complicated as you would present it. Listen to me, your Fate has already been predicted. This is not satiric. It is not mystic or even cryptic. It's all right there laid out for you to see like an exhibit. You'd see it if you weren't so egotistic. It's actually a bit ritualistic, kind of like you hand-picked it.  It's easy to try to twist it, but face it, you chose this. It's you who is accredited. It's you who inflicted this parasitic kind of restricted life on yourself. I'm not being pessimistic, it's simple logistics. You can try to contradict it but come on be honest , just admit it. Your hopelessly, tragically,  fucking addicted. Wishing on every star you were all together just omitted. That you had never even existed. You've tried before to kick it but learned this shit isn't a gimmick. By yourself you'll never lick it. Why? The answer isn't drastic, you already know it. That substance you hate to love, gives you exactly what you need when you seek it. Making life less hectic exactly when you need it.  That deep all consuming pain inside you that's always looming on the line of insanity? It numbs it. That part of you that constantly screams inside your head, always begging for you to release it? It silences it. Making quitting seem so, unrealistic. It gives you that reprieve you need that keeps you from emotions you're sure will kill you. You feel it's somehow out of your control. That you're on the outside looking in just hoping you will win. It's honestly voyeuristic. That's not living. That's just a mimic. Now you are conflicted you feel like you've been unjustly convicted. Look, I'm not one to be antagonistic.  I'm simply here because it's words in which I've been gifted. I try to use them to touch your soul and then lift it. For I too know the struggle and know this war to be wicked. I am you and you are me. Yet our reflections in the mirror no longer depict it. There's no longer any difference. I scream at the stranger with my face looking back at me to wake the fuck up. Look around, it's got you! Let me be explicit,  everything you love is gone. You have to fix it! Why won't you just end it? The lies we tell ourselves are no longer sufficient. Saying I'll quit later. There's still time. Tomorrow. Yeah Tomorrow I promise I'll stick with it. Idiot. You know damn well Tomorrow has never existed. There is only today. Right now we must commit to it. We can't miss it. We have way too much at stake to risk it. It's a cycle and we all must break it. You are in control, even as an addict. Some time back you gave up your place, like you never had it. Now its up to you to take it back, almost like you had always planned it. Then expand it. It's not egotistic or idealistic. It's completely spiritualistic. It's falling to your knees and begging please.Then saying it again, this time like you meant it. Really comprehend it. Now look at the pieces of your life that has fallen apart. Pick them up piece by piece and cleanse it. First go to the ones you love but have offended. Find that bridge you burned and mend it.  Your family will commend it then their love and pride will be re-extended. Oh, and the reason you started using to begin with? Those demons that reside inside your mind driving you ballistic? The ones all you want to do is numb until their grip on you is lifted? They all leave, as soon as you command it. I don't know about you but let me be candid about my addiction. I've gotten high doping with the best of bandits. It's always been the big dogs who I stand with. Never letting my feet touch the ground, nothing but true gangsters is who I ran with. Then, when I finally landed, I was left completely abandoned. Now I'm just a girl that's stranded empty-handed trying to understand it. We are all, right now, eternally conflicted restricted convicted and elicitly Afflicted.  Enough is enough, this is your fucking life dammit. Now save it

    ©bgotti

  • b_gotti 28w

    Shades of Red

         Seeing in crimson, in shades of red.
          Always seeing through red filters of fiery eyes as I walk through this meaningless life I've led.  Emotions running deeper than all of the wounds I've bled.     Don't come any closer I'm a girl with darkness and destruction inside her head. Round and round my thoughts constantly spin. Round and round constantly replaying every one of my sins. Round and round until my veins begin to bubble. Round and round forever conjuring up trouble. Round and round until my blood begins to boil. Don't come any closer I'm the epitome of hell wrapped up into a pretty girl. Seeing in crimson in shades of red, my demons hold me captive trapped inside my head.  I search for any sign of an escape ahead but the loop of their voices surrounds me instead. Playing over and over every single bad thing about me that has ever been said. Rocking me gently they slowly reopen every wound I've ever bled.
               I'm starting to unravel.
               I'm coming undone. 
               Dragging my shackles
              In every direction ive been spun. 
    Forsaken by everyone i once called a dear loved one. No longer do I seek a refuge. No longer expecting any form of empathy. Darkness falls, there's nowhere to run. Raising my  walls, I no longer care about anything or anyone. Nothing to do now but stand and face the web of lies I've spun. Never will I cowar from the endless brutality.  In and out I drift riding on the brink of reality.  No longer able to tell the difference between friend or foe, unable to focus on what's right in front of me. You all act the same, It's all a show. What if this newest  insanity is just the final blow? 
                 Or even worse.
         What if I still have so much further in this madness to go? 
     Don't come any closer, you'll just become a fatality. Falling to the floor, just another body to add to my many casualties. Turn and leave, don't dare hesitate or you won't succeed. Tell me dear Mom, Dad,  are you so very proud of me? Can you honestly not see that it's your daughter's morality she has decided to blow? I'm no longer the girl you raised. (If you can even call it that) To say I was raised downplays that it was.. truly depraved. My fucked up childhood was a nightmare of a twisted maze. No one got out unscathed. You both left me covered in darkness, just like the blood that Ive bathed. The love I once had left me hurt and betrayed.  If there was ever a price for living my debt has ten fold been paid.  No longer will I suffer to hear any more of your bullshit about my soul needing saved. These scars run deeper than anything that your God could fade.Don't come any closer, Don't tell me how I just need to be brave. My courage would astound you. My strength would bound you. If only I hadn't already lost it in the trade. Funny though, how fast both of your memories faded.Just look at the blood dripping off the tip of my blade tip. Standing over an outline where  shadows have laid. Seeing in crimson, in shades of red... why are you still here? Why have you not fled? You have not listened to the words my demons and I have said?  Is it not enough for me to be honest with you and beg? Will you insist that I show you that enough words have been said? Don't come any closer. Can't you see It's my soul that's been shed?
              It was left in the shadows, leaving the devil well fed.
                         Don't come any closer there's nothing I can see ahead. All is a blurry shade of blood soaked red. Seeing in crimson in shades of red... Seeing this blood drip down my arm feeling the numbness that in me suddenly swarmes.  My demons have found me. Again, willingly unarmed. They travel straight to my heart , finally I'm warm.  Now I can forget everything. I get lost in their perfect charm. Even while knowing that to me, they mean nothing but harm.  Don't come any closer, just forget what I've said, I lay back now.  Numb. Hanging my head 
              It's over now.
            To darkness I succumb..
               My demons tucked me knowingly in bed. With a lie of a kiss,  We sleep together in an artificially induced bliss.Seeing in crimson, in shades of red. Don't come any closer, my soul has fled.

       No longer seeing in crimson. 
            
        Yet still not dead.

    ©bgotti