ayanat

Mercurial. transient. no regrets whatsoever.

Grid View
List View
Reposts
  • ayanat 3w

    He put on his smile.
    I saw beyond it.
    Evil. Malicious. I trembled.
    Like a gentleman,
    He approached.
    "It's been ages, girl!
    Come to me."
    I felt numb.
    I felt weak.
    I felt I would fall any moment.
    Knees wobbly. Heart pounding. Stomach churning.
    I managed to blurt out a feeble, "No, uncle!!"
    How I wanted to scream.
    How badly I wanted to cry out loud.
    Nothing would work.
    His getting closer
    And my feverish denials
    Evaporated
    He took me in his arms.
    Not me.
    One hand supporting my butts.
    The other caressing my waist.
    His face right on my bosom.
    The desire. Lust. All fueled up.
    And I stopped.
    My entire system seemed dysfunctional.
    I was his prey.
    He was my master.
    It's immoral to refuse.
    Only I could hear
    My heart sobbing
    Vehemently blabbering,
    "Haven't I had enough of this already?"

    Read More

    How things haunt
    Like hyenas
    Ready to rip you apart!!

  • ayanat 3w

    You know how to fix me through your words
    You bring out that happy me,
    I had long suppressed, involuntarily.
    You make me laugh like never before.
    Pure. Serene. Not at all piercing.
    That comes from within. Gusty.
    The happiness. The laughter. The relief.
    The peace. The chaos. The reverie.
    Are all priceless. Unreal.
    Oasis in a desert.
    You shape me for better.
    You get me. So well.
    So fucking well.
    You are my fulcrum.
    I see people laughing.
    I'm reminded of you.
    I'm reminded of how happy I am, with you around.
    And I smile. Lovely. Precious.
    You are my motivation. To amend.
    Be with me, forever.

  • ayanat 5w

    #2 EERIE

    Recovering from the stupor, Martha looked around. Her head throbbing, she felt like pulling her hair out. She tried tugging at them but stopped right in time, hearing her clock chime. She stood up. Her legs unsupportive. She managed a few steps, grabbing at the things that came her way and fell on the couch with a thud. She thought to herself, "Will this never end?" And looked at the frame again. Arthur was smiling. Or grinning may be. "Don't you see? Our Jason is lying still. Do you think he's dead?", she spoke in a trembling voice. Waiting for an answer, she paused. Agitated, she screamed, "What the heck, Arthur? When did you change? How can you be so insensible? I never hated you more.", as if the man in the frame would suddenly incarnate and speak and console. She threw a lamp aiming for the fixture. The frame got a few scratches, no harm done. The lamp was in pieces. Shattered. On the floor mat. Dangerously shiny. Prisms for the sun rays. She sobbed in her palms, mumbling to herself. All those moments of raising Jason, watching him grow up flashed right before her eyes. She was crying uncontrollably. Her weeping overshadowed her phone's ring. It rang again. She didn't notice. It rang for the third time. She didn't seem to hear. It kept going on. It was in the seventh time I think she heard. She heard. She stopped. She didn't turn. It rang again. The same customized "Love Story". Her tears stopped. Her breaths now faster, her pulse now more frequent, "Is this for real? No. I won't check. My ears are ringing. This is nothing. This has to be nothing." She paused. Closed her eyes. Monitored her breath. Turned around and looked for her phone. She saw it on the table besides the couch. She reached for it and the display said ~ 8 missed calls Arthur, 2 unread messages Arthur. She couldn't believe her eyes. Her grip loosened and her phone fell down. She stared into the emptiness of the study. Horrified. Terrified. Transfixed. She shifted her gaze from the frame to Jason then down at her phone. She cried, "Forgive me for I have sinned. But I can't take this. No way". She heard a distant hoarse voice speak, "I am game, Martha. Be convivial. Now that I'm here." She couldn't move. Tears were the only thing happening. She covered her ears. Shut her eyes. She yelled. She shrieked. She screeched. She howled. She was so into this that she didn't feel any presence, she didn't detect a movement, she didn't hear a muffled laughter right behind her. The next moment she felt a sharp stinging sensation on her neck and she fainted.

    Read More

    The cerebral connection

    ©_penned_in_

  • ayanat 5w

    See I won't text you anymore. It's not my ego. I just feel bad about it. I'll wait. I'll do that. Don't worry. But I just won't text. I've told this to myself numerous times before but never could I refrain. But I will this time. May be you don't realize how I long for your texts day and night. I had to turn on my WhatsApp notifications on because I didn't want to miss it out when you're online. Because I'm always afraid, I'll get to see you after hours again. I want to be there instantly. Because i know that's the only way we can catch up. I'm constantly disturbed for the last couple of days. I'd thought after the exams you'll give me some of your time. But things have turned out to be completely different. On the contrary, we're hardly chatting. I thought I had you. But I actually don't. I told you once right I can never be happy. See for yourself.
    ©ayanat

  • ayanat 6w

    Something that holds me.
    Something that pulls me back.
    Something that doesn't let me crack up.
    Even on the weirdest of puns.
    I never could infer.
    I always wanted to.
    I couldn't. I am a failure.
    That's not what they said.
    That's what I say.
    That's what I know.
    There's nothing really.
    Nothing is for real.
    Nothing goes against my whims.
    Nothing seems fast.
    May be I'm too much into fantasies.
    May be stuffs right in my head are implausible.
    May be I'm too slow.
    May be it's me who can't keep up.
    May be I'm just dumb.
    I never have an answer to "What's wrong?"
    I tried framing this the other way round.
    I started, "What's not wrong?"
    Snap! I couldn't answer this either.
    What would I make of this?
    Just like some sane person would.
    There's this beautiful question now.
    Am I not insane?
    I don't know this too.
    Frustrated, I asked myself,
    "What do you really know?"
    I freaked out and fucked up.
    "What do you want?"
    ~Okay. I got this.
    Solo tripping.
    Dog therapy.
    Standard vegan food.
    Deluxe hotels.
    Hills. Snow.
    SOLO. MIND ME.
    "You crazy?"
    ~What the hell man?
    That was you.
    You started.
    Why do you behave as if all I spoke was trash?
    "Because you did."
    ~I just answered all you asked.
    "That's utter shit you're happy about."
    ~ I should just shut up may be.
    Like forever.
    "Ego, huhhh!" (Rolling eyes)
    ~Dude, pardon.
    Lemme go. Leave me alone.
    I'm absolutely fine.
    I'm growing. Each day. Each moment.
    I am all good.
    I just whine about.
    That's highly unimportant.
    I feign, may be.
    "You double faced b****"
    ~ I two time.
    I lie.
    I shed unnecessary tears.
    All in all, I'm bad.
    Happy now?
    So just let me be.

    Read More

    Why?

    ©_penned_in_

  • ayanat 6w

    #1 THE RENDEZVOUS

    She tiptoed right into his study. She realized he was muzzy through her eyes. Snap!! She'd forgotten her specs like always. She stood there and wondered whether to grab her specs or get to him fast. She couldn't wait. So she went in. She stood close by his couch. She saw that his book had fallen off and as she bent down to pick it up, she saw him asleep, that's what she felt then. She picked up The Fault in Our Stars. She ran her palms over the cover and felt a sudden emotional gush. She looked down at him, and kept on staring till she could feel her tears burning her skin. She wiped them off and knelt down, ruffled his hair, kissed him on his forehead. He didn't buzz. He wasn't a heavy sleeper, never. She whispered into his ears, "Jason, my boy, get up!! Momma's home. Sorry I got caught up. I'm here to make it up for you." He didn't even move. She felt his hands and they were unreasonably cold. She heard her heart pounding. Her hands trembled. She was sweating like a pig in mid December. She couldn't even get up. She reached for his pulse. There was nothing. She went for his neck to find something again nothing. She pressed her ears against his chest. Nothing. All she heard was some unfathomable commotion outside. She felt her heart would come out, tearing her chest any moment. She blabbered, "This cannot happen. Jason, baby. Momma loves you. You need to get up. We'll go to the theatre and dine outside. We'll get a pair of new shows for you my love." She was in tears. Nothing would stop. She shook him and felt her body go limp. She screamed, "Open your eyes, Jason. For God's sake. Jason..... Jason.... Jason.... And the voice faded. Tears running down her cheeks, she kept looking at him. Her head was reeling. She knew she could pass out any moment now. She turned. She turned and saw Allan smiling at her from the frame. She struggled to get herself smile back. She did. Just in time. Before her eyes closed and she fell. Jason's dangling hand touching Martha's blonde.

    Read More

    The cerebral connection

    @penned_in

  • ayanat 7w

    Those eyes that show me the other side, that smile on seeing me, that speak more than you ever can, are the ones that turn stern if I had not had my meals.
    ©ayanat

  • ayanat 7w

    Haven't written since long. You ask me what makes me happy, well writing something for you does. Amidst the chaos, this is my only temporary yet prolonged relief. Trust me on that. I don't know where exactly this thing is going. It's okay not to know sometimes, after all. Let it roll. Okay. So, yeah, I love you. There was this video on spiritual relationships that I came across today morning. That happiness was priceless when I could relate those points. Felt elated without you being around. See I can be happy by myself, true, but that too through you or getting you involved in some way or the other. You are not my first love. Sometimes that pisses me off. But then I'm like. Not a big deal. The love, the care, the concern, the affection are all worth it. Those eyes. Those expressive eyes. Those eyes that speak. Those eyes that show. Those eyes that reflect. Or is it only me? No wonder, I feel that pleasure whenever our eyes meet. Even better thinking about that incidence, after we roll our eyes as if nothing ever happened. Every tiny bit. Every little thing. Encases boundless joy. That feeling of being full in the heart, elates me. No wonder, you rule my dreams, just like you are the king of my soul. You take over while I'm asleep as if making up for your absence that you can't help as of now. You take over while I'm off like you feel every part of me. Sometimes I wonder if it's you struggling at the other end to hold my hands and handle me. It has to be you. Okay. I guess I went overboard. Well I seriously don't care because this thing shall end up with you. Okay. So where was I? The way you love me, trust me, no one else can. The way you care, that definitely no one else will or can. The way you get me is beyond everything else. Do you know how rejuvenating the thought that, you love me deeply, is? It's not infatuation neither is this carnal. You don't need to tell me. I feel that. I know that. You love me so much. I don't know why. Most probably, you even don't know why. They say this isn't the time for these things. Okay. I won't object. But for clarification, tell us how can you limit the right time to feel for someone? Relationship is just a part of it. You fall in love. That itself ties a knot. And if that's pure, your marrying off to someone else, your getting off track, won't even loosen the knot, forget breaking. I am not really a good person. But I am all set on being one. Right for you. Someone who suits you fine. I'll be one. I can get better after we're back together. Okay. I can get better with you having my back. Just like now. I've been through numerous plots where I find the boy actually loving the girl, despite her sins, helping her change. That holding of hands. I feel happy. From all I heard, such things weren't a part of reality at all. From all I see, they are wrong. Well I have you. A boy who loves me like no one else even after I wronged him, a boy who still holds my hand when I trip, goes after me when I run in the toughest of terrains, helps me regain my balance after my scheduled falls, helps to set me off for the day. All this is so good. I love you so much. I love loving you. I love everything about you. I love you taking notice of every tiny detail. That's it. I love you. I just want us to be together. Okay. Cringe alert. But I really have thought of our future, together, you and me, you know what way, right? At first, I felt ashamed. Then I was like, if that had to happen ever, it would always be with you. No one else for that matter. That's a lot many years, I know. Yet. Okay. Will you be my forever, forever?
    ©ayanat

  • ayanat 8w

    Listen, it's okay. I know, right now, you're pissed off. You're exhausted. The mental toil is unendurable. You're going through one of your phases of fatigue and despair. And what's the prolonged effect? You aren't being able to focus and work. You aren't yourself anymore. Even those lyrics with positive vibes don't hit. You just can't get yourself to study. All you want is to do nothing or may be sleep. You are not happy. You force a smile when bothered with "What's wrong with you?" questions. And you're all set with a "I'm fine." customized answer. But within you all hell has broken loose. You find no trace of your mental peace. You do not know what to do with yourself because you do not know what has caused that unrest in you. You put yourself to sleep. And you sleep. You wake up to find yourself lost. You wash your face and look at yourself to see you are not okay in any way. You want to study. You cannot. You want to discard, what you think is trash, but is not. You want to let go off all that agitation, but you just fail. You jeopardize your emotions. You take yourself for granted. You accept your loneliness. You submit to "Why?". See this is important. You need to understand well and pin this right inside your head. You deserve all the goodness. You deserve all the love. You deserve success. You deserve everything good. You are an amazing soul. You are a wonderful person. You are adorable. You are caring. You are responsible. You are beautiful. You are honest. You are my go-to person, not just for me, for many others out there. You are a sweetheart, that showcases everything I mentioned prior to it. You have been wronged, over and over again. It's not okay. You're trying to get used to it. This is because you are amazing. It's alright. You aren't being able to study properly. There's always a bar. Elasticity has its limits. Even your patience has a fence. May be your has broken with all that pressure you silently deal with, with all the pain you never whine about. Fences can be mended. This time, we'll raise the bars. Or shall we get a new one and start afresh, instead of renovating? Nothing can break you till a certain point. It's okay if you're broken. Even okay, if your pieces are already shattered. We'll get down on our knees, crawl, pick up the pieces, check the flaws, work on it and will make sure the one we get made now doesn't have those on it. If you're alone, you might hurt yourself. With someone besides you, you still may. But you know what the best part is, there would be someone to tend your wounds with care. Very often, you are too harsh with yourself. There would be someone to help you see yourself with love, to teach you to be sweet when it comes to you. Don't let yourself rupture. Let someone in. Don't ignore your mental health always. Sit back and think it out. Come forward to speak out. You do not have clarity. No worries. Blabber. That person will get you. Don't resign or accept. You don't deserve the pain. When overpowered with emotions, can be anything, come to me, together, we'll figure it out. There's always a way. You can cry. It's okay to cry. Don't push yourself too hard to smile. It helps though, fake smile. But don't get used to it. Don't make it a part in you, by default. Not feeling good yet you want to push yourself to study? Try this. Plug in your headphones. Raise the volume. Set your favourite playlist on Spotify. Sit back and close your eyes. Dive into the words. Let that rhythm rush within you. Feel it. Get off your bed. With earphones plugged in, roam about in some quiet place. Or simply step out of your room and find a spot. And carry on with your songs. Then. Wash your face. Splash cold water as hard as you can, with eyes closed. Repeat the same. Now it's time to look at yourself in the mirror. Look at your eyes. Speak to them. Get back into your room. Drink water. Lie on your back or your tummy, straight. Close your eyes. And tell yourself, "Okay. Now, it's time!". If that doesn't work, choose whether to let those songs go on or to pause. And get into the most comfortable sleeping posture. Grab a billow. Pull it closer. Hug the pillow as tightly as you can. You can bring it close to your face as well. Close your eyes. Take a power nap. Get up. Wash your face. Drink water. Sit down doing nothing for 300 seconds. Then resume. Talk to yourself. Talk to me. Talk to anyone who gets you. Then begin. It will help, dear. You need to understand you have to be tender and careful when it comes to you. Your heart is as fragile as the efforts you put in to be tough. You'll come out of it. You'll resume. You'll be yourself again. You'll see your worth. And in the process, everyone else will. You are important. You are extremely important. Remember. And I love you.
    ©ayanat

  • ayanat 9w

    What's that stage when you can longer pen down the turmoil within you? You see yourself change from not being able to answer others to not being able to answer yourself. You can no longer question yourself. It's like you don't know what you feel. One can never stop feeling. At least I can't. But there's this point when you just don't understand whether to freak out or weep or laugh or may be DIE. It's okay anyways. You can't just expect things to be your way forever. But am I wrong when I just want things to just be normal forba while? Okay. Things are normal. My vision is not. (LOL, Literally as well). See can't my perceptions just be optimistic for some time? I don't feel good. I'm not that girl anymore. I've lost myself. Or more, I have lost the girl that was me. It's an ache. I don't know where to look for her. I don't know how to bring her back. Can't memories move on? Can't they just accept? I don't know where I'm going. This happens when you lock up your emotions in distinct cellars, and first, forget where exactly you kept the bunch of keys, then when you find you are clueless as to which key suits which lock and so you hire but then they all start fitting in the keys together and gosh there's this coincidence and all those bottled up stuffs come out together with breaks and jerks, all wanting to come out first but then the exit gate isn't large enough for the upsurge :)
    ©ayanat