I am just one of the QUADRILLION beings existent in this planet, Which revolves around one of the BILLION stars in the Milky Way, One of the 100000 galaxies in the Laniakea Supercluster, And there's a MILLION of such superclusters in the observable universe! This makes me realise that I'm no more significant than one of the mere speck of dust that's floating around me.
But at the same time, only my brother rivals me to be the most important person to my mother, she says. Not even my father. My best friend tells me from the bottom of her heart that there is no other person who is more important to her than me. And these are just two of the reasons that make me realise that I actually AM important.
The ways in which our roles differ in different cosmos.
This 3 am mental and emotional breakdowns are pathetic, Trust me! I simply don't understand why we human can never be satisfied. I mean I have everything. Im very grateful for it too. Im blessed with wonderful parents who provided me education, food, shelter and clothes. I've never been in a relationship because of the priority and rules I've binded myself with and that is "Parents First" No matter what! I would never do anything which would let them down or even produce a tears. Then at the same time I feel like an absolute loser. I've never went out of my comfort zone. Tried something adventerous. Wasted so much of time. Buried my passion in ground, twisted with all guts, Crying in all vain. This is ridiculous. Dying suddenly without knowling is better, but when you're living but trapped in all this emotions and dumb feelings it's worst, feels like shattering every single moment. It's wierd how I cry, music on my ears, muffling my mouth and following lyrics. I know this will too go away and new day will rise, I'll be fine. I'll stand next day miserably again in front of mirror brushing my teeth, rinsing my face, not bothered to take shower or groom myself. I'll cry again, I'll be fine again. Whom should I listen to? To my mind who say get yourself stable! Present yourself perfectly. Lather your face with makeup and for god sake show up, or heart who weeps and whipser to me again and again that, go talk with someone, you can change yourself. Do something which you like, live happy, eat whatever you want without being cautious, try to make friends, smile more.
It's difficult to explain how My feelings are disintegrated into two parts and Im suffocating in middle. I wish to live both sides but Im tied for only one part. Sometimes it feels good to be bad. Then I regret, cry, and live 100 levels of insanity more.
My room is a mess, I've stopped writing. I ignore all the messages and never heard my ringtone because guess what? It's always on silent. This four walls looks more safe to me than those people out there. My eyes looks puffed but I say, Im fine. I sleep more so I can escape reality more. Somedays I just keep staring at dark and ceiling because I don't want to dream and directly want to sleep. Insecurities have taken a human form and has replaced me as shadow. Everything feels colder, time moves more fastly, food tastes sour.
I need help but that fear of taken advantage constantly plays in my mind. Trust me! People surrounding you give you that empathy looks and within days stab you with same words and Im more terrified of that situation because I dont know what to say. I feel more devastated. I feel vulnerable. I know not everyone is like that! But I guess its my bad time. Im more Lost than confused, Im sad but will not admit depressed, because being depressed is just an overated drama for my siblings and friends.
I don't know what to term this and Im sorry if Im providing you negative vibes, but this is how I am right now and don't feel bad for me, this stage is difficult but I'll be fine, this time real legit fine. Im not writing this from mind, but completely penning down what my heart says. Would you believe in my 3 years of journey in this platform this is the longest post Ive written. And Im not hoping for empathy. Dont get me wrong, Im sorry because I feel I lost this ability to identify the real empathy in eyes of people. I've had this before many time and still don't know the exact cure. Because everytime I go through this, the pain is beyond comprehendable and feels so surreal.
But at the end I would say Listen to your heart more! Mind is an organ, it talks about logic but looks for short term goals at the same time your heart, it cherish all the situations. It not only pumps blood but also create gives birth to emotions and pain, hence try to be patient and listen properly, it knows the best for you. Trust you instinctions!, Where youre heart stays that's where peace and happiness stays.
Have you ever seen a child, who always listens to his heart. He is happy and that is genuine happiness. I know we are surrounded in that generation where we fake more than being real. But sometimes genuity matters. You real inner peace and happiness matters.
When you listen to your heart more, You'll feel happy more with no regrets. You'll curse less, blame less and smile more. You'll go for more self care and be polite to yourself. Burdens too will seem like blessing. You'll keep faith in almighty god more. You'll fly and express yourself more.
Time is like a wind. It will flow away, and I'll too recover again, this mental breakdown are just wierd visions and bad vibes, but when they leave I firmly believe they'll make me and the one who is facing it will leave you more stronger and capable of beautiful things
you're weird in the most beautiful way that it makes no sense to me. maybe that's why it feels like a paradox, like 11:11 perfectly symmetrical yet, so hard to explain. four parallel lines, you and me in parallel worlds close, yet never destined to meet