oh, it's Monday already, shell-shock is all around me and, sirens that are engulfed in my tinnitus — atleast, the ambulance is faster than a cop car; I think I'll survive to suffer, once again.
I've forgotten how to sleep, there it is — my spine on the page; just bury me in my bed, the white cloth reminds me of my mother, it has been so long it has been so long : being away from home does wonders to me.
loved by none, a loveless monster is all that's becoming of me — I'll remove myself with my sleight of hand; I am tired of hurting you and myself, I am tired of running out of friends : sometimes, cowardice is the easiest way out.
there's nobody to put the fire out, that's burning me alive; there's nob- let's try again, shall we ? my skin crawls at the sight of the mirror, hatred is out to get me — please, I just hope to survive this week, all alone.
there goes my life, there goes my love, there she goes away with another guy, and, she even has her new marriage license; I replaced mine with a license for liquor — forgetting is easier than forgiving, you're too hard on my liver.
look right through me when my lonely ghost passes right by you; ironical, isn't it ? how, I promised to always do right by you, and, today, I can't seem to do right by myself.
entombed in my bed, I will lose my life, if I keep waiting for you; but, I will keep waiting for you : (like the dust that your favourite book has collected overtime, like the autumn leaves that you'll walk all over, like the waves of the sea washing your feet; I keep waiting, just a touch from you could kill me, please, set me free).
I was straw-stirring the fresh lime soda that sat infront of me when somebody popped the age old generic question "whom do you love the most in the world?" It was more conversational and less of an inquiry anticipating a pondered over response which is probably why, the time it took to come up with one was less than heartbeat. "My brother", I said, resolute, undoubtable, like it was the most blatant truth I knew. They smiled. "You really can't live without him, can you? I smiled. And I just smiled.
I have loved a lot of people. I have loved my brother the most among them. And I have done that for so long that I don't know how not to. And maybe, it's true that I cannot live in a world that doesn't have him. But is he the reason I'm alive today? The 'no' that bubbles in my belly is no less resolute than the answer before was. I know it because I've questioned it more often than I'd like to. In the dead of the night, under the shower, over the sink, staring at the wall pressing a fist to my chest, while trying to breathe, you name it. And the answer is probably the only thing that has remained a constant over the years.
I love people because I want to. I love my brother the most because I choose to. But I'm alive today because someone chose me. I'm alive because my father refused to give up on me. Not even when I did. Especially when I did.
And I hope, for the life of me, I hope that it's atleast okay, even if a little selfish if the one you will die for and the one you will die without aren't one and the same.
However badly articulated, this is the most honest, most personal thing I've ever written. And I hate myself so much for ever wording this line of thought. And even more for posting it. But I also hope I never delete this, this ill-written thing.