To all the dark places I have travelled Not by bus or train but in more realistic way In my mind I see you there under the tree lying above the bright sky I try to know you like a the sky knows the clouds I wanna hear you like a tree hear the sound of birds I wanna touch you like a raindrops touches the green leaf gently To all the cemeteries I have ever seen With empty silence and sad souls The worst one i can recall is the one that lay in the world invisible Real is what eyes sees but I see you everyday roaming around me The worst and the darkest one is the one where the most brightest soul was buried With the roses that ain't alive I change them daily behind my eyes but they look like dry black flower from over century and a sad soul buried without a fall of drop from those stranger's eyes who got caught up in their lives like a busy bee And my life behind the real world desperate to see you again seems like a traveller searching for soul and a place where he belong
It's been a long day A long month and a long year It's my birthday in 1 day and I realised that I'm changed in good ways as well as bad ways I tried to distant myself from that drama and all boys problems but at the end I go back to that one guy But I'll get over this and I know this because I'll find some way I'll find a way to hurt myself less this year and write some nice things on next birthday So no matter how hard you try some things never go back to the way they were and I'm gonna let those things and people slip away cause they're bad news I remember that day when I felt too much about him and after giving up on him I never thought I'll get over him He was kinda stuck in my head He still is but it doesn't bother me anymore cause time heals deepest wound Now it's just a good memory and no hope He is gone for good All you need to do is stop crying, eat ice cream, think selfish and the rest of the part consider it done Cause nothing or no one's more important than yourself All you need to do is distant yourself from that torturing pain , all you need to let go of some people All you need to trust the process My birthday's wish this year and for coming years : I wanna laugh while reading this cause i wanna grow this year and i wanna be strong so that I laugh remembering that I was so stupid to let these tiny things bother me
I've pinned reminders on my wall Saying 'stay away from him, he's bad news' So that I can remember what you did to me when you smile with your eyes which makes me fall for you So that I don't hold back to that dark past
I've pinned so many quotes reminding me that you're monster No matter how much I try to hate you nd get away from that shit It takes your one smile to slip these feelings away And I hold tighter each time I leave you And I pray to god to give me strength to put resistance But it's you so my all hard work of maintaining distance works opposite So when I move on I make sure that our paths never cross again I make sure I never see you Cause each glance makes me weaker and weaker
Saw you standing at the stairs to see me I smiled nd you can't look away cause there's nothing else left to see So you stare like I'm the beauty And I tell you let's go home sweety
But now I wait on that magical stairs Cause you took that smile back and left me speechless I saw you smiling like the way you did that night at someone I keep quiet and wipe my tears so it doesn't hurt but baby I thought that I was the one I'm home crying on that pillow which used be place for your head And then you come back to me out of boredom She isn't boring - you're disgusting How am I gonna let you in In my life Cause all I have in my head is that I was just your summer love And all that was the moments we shared A lie craved beautifully from your magical mouth hitting the exact spot
I can see the footprints of the people Baby let's go somewhere else I can see the cars parked near that place let's go home I can see noice of people at my fav place Baby it's not my favorite anymore I can see people wishing on my birthday I wanna sit on my day alone I can see people shouting at beautiful bridge God I'm sick of people
It's been over a year And I still follow that old feeling When you were used to be mine every problem reminds me of you Not that you were a problem It's just how you used to say it's gonna be ok A lots of people now say this phrase But it never turned out ok Cause you used to make it ok I've always been in love with you From the day you entered that room We look weirdly good together I tried to replace you But you are the rarest thing I have ever known You're irreplaceable and I'm crying Cause there's nothing I can do about that I know it doesn't make sense But it doesn't always have to make sense I feel this way and i really don't wanna feel this way Wish I could change but you're that magic Which cannot be destroyed You're that feeling that cannot be forgotten You're that love which can never turn into hate You're that comfort which can't be replaced by even softest pillow
"It's is so much safer not to feel, not to let the world touch me" - Sylvia Plath
There were days when you were drowning in emotions, wishing you could feel nothing, wishing you could feel nothing at all.
Now all you can do is sit in a corner, hate yourself and feel nothing at all. Wishing you could feel it all once again. You sit in you bathroom floor for hours, Wondering why you are feeling empty, harming yourself till you are in a pool of blood only to feel no pain. Smiling with a scattered heart you look at yourself in the mirror, ah yes they were right,indeed cursed.
4:49 pm | 14th February . . does this make sense? No, it doesn't. It does said some.
Even in thousand raindrops, I felt the warmness and comfort of your sounds. Even in a single umbrella, it was enough for us to enjoy this moment. Even in this alleyway, I never felt fear for you are with me. Even in this lonely rainy season, I will still remember you. Even in this gloomy street, It never felt as joyful as with you. Even in this music, I now know your importance in this rhythm. Even in this dream I created with you, I now know that you are too real for me. Even in this reality, that you don't exist...I still kept it in my heart to walk with you again. Even in this simple dream, even in this simple scenery, even in this simple form of you and me, I still yearn to sleep again.
I'm sorry I couldn't keep our promise of forever, But I tried my best and every possible ways which were there. I can't promise you now to be there with you, But I promise in my better and my worse I'll always think about you. And I can promise, when the world is no more and the moon is all we'll see, I'll ask you to fly away with me..
Our love doesn't need a specific day to be special
My belief from love can never be distorted. For I've experienced it, I've loved you, and I still do. Even if I can't have that cute little love story that I had fantasied with you.
My life was a complete mess, but you somehow managed to turn all the randomness into something perfect. All the tiny little things which happened in my life, you made them special, you made them flawless!
I would never believe in that 'Never meant to be mine' crap, I'd always try to make you mine, I promise I'd never give up on you even if the whole universe is against me. I'd still believe that you're there, waiting for me past all this chaos and Facade.
But in the end, no words can explain, the way I'm missing you.
So I daily wake up and choose pain to wear over my skin.
There's a faded black t-shirt messily thrust between my other clothes. I am a little ardent in not letting it be thrown away so I argue with my mother.
Maa, if you are listening to me then I want to tell you that your daughter feels herself in that faded black t-shirt. She wants to keep this immortal thing close just like those poems, your '24/7 dedicated towards family' heart wouldn't understand. And your daughter wants you to never understand them either, I know if you do, you would feel all the pain on your heart, from the toe ring to the red in your hairline, in your every atom, you would be able to feel all the pain your daughter has been eating upon all these days.
Maa if you are listening to me (please don't) I feel myself fading like that faded black t-shirt. I see myself daily spinning in the soapy water of a never-ending war, I slip and never get up. There's an experience, there's a mature understanding which flew and perched on my broken windows, the boy at my guitar class looks at the sky through the glass window and tells me that he loves the maturity I hold in my bones.
I walk back to home with 'maturity in my bones' and lay on my bed till the sky paints itself black. Maa, what do I do with all this maturity when it costed a life. A life, my life. I have round brown eyes to look at life with a mature way but I don't have a soul left to look at life in any way.
All this experience I hold in my hands is like peace after a war. I am bleeding, fresh wounds are still there, then how can I flex over this experience past situations left at my door.
Maa, the hair you oil daily, they still smell of war, they still smell of all the times I pulled harshly onto them when downfalls were biting on my skin. All this experience is similar to the dullness taking over my black t-shirt after all the washes it has gone through and maa I see you are in the mood to throw it away. You tell me that it doesn't look good on my skin now and I want to tell you that all this skin on me also doesn't look good on me now. I daily soak in the sun of the hope notes I write, but maa I am fading away.
Can I keep this black t-shirt with me to remind me that all the faded isn't thrown away? That though faded I am meant to exist. Maa, are you listening (please don't).