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  • angels_halo_shines 2d

    I’m taking a break for now, I need to take time for me. For my family. When the time is right I will be back. Until then stay well, take care of yourselves and others.

  • angels_halo_shines 4d

    Show us the Way

    I guess now you see I'm not so good at saying goodbye. I knew that each time we saw you it could have been the last time. I fought that battle within. I saw the Hell you went through, the Hell you fought through. Knowing none of it was easy. Not many could have been as strong as you were. We always think we have so much time. We will see you next week. Or see you this Friday. I was never told you wanted to stop dialysis. Maybe cuz you knew I would have broke down. I would have, but then I would have understood why. When dialysis started back in 2017 you kept saying I won't live past a year on this. 2018 came and went. As did 2019- 2020 we were not allowed to speak to you, and here we are now. You told me Molly apologized, sincerely. She still doesn't answer me. Her brother came in from Kansas just to spend a bit of time to make sure I was ok. I could not have asked for a better son. He knows me better than I know my self. I have a support system, that consists of 2 of my 4 children. And a couple of friends. That's all I really need. No one really knows what to say now.
    Lynn told Lilly & I that we can mourn your death, or we can celebrate your life. We choose to celebrate your life. As that's what you want. You are missed by many. Mom do want I said, shine through for us. Even though you never wanted to believe, you see now. Shine through so we can have a glimpse of of you on the worst of our days. Life down here won't stop. You will see from your view, what I mean. I love you mom. And I can't say goodbye, because you're still here. With us. Showing us the way. I love you.

  • angels_halo_shines 1w

    Brewing About

    Lost in the wreckage the storm has now passed. Memories last lifetimes. The people within them when the memories are built upon, unfortunately do not last. As much as we wish upon a star it’s just not possible. My heartaches, it’s broken in so many pieces. Taken advantage of time, I plead guilty. I am at fault. Lives are busy trying to just stay afloat. And you are a failure at seeing the worst before the end. I am at least. Storms they pass by, taking their dark cloud that was formed with them as they go. The storms that are inside of us, they stick around. Brewing about. We can’t let them out, that would be to simplistic. Taking turns & carrying the dark clouds that follow them. Consuming so much energy you once had built up. Thinking you were doing so good. Then there is that eye of the storm to tear you right back down. Showing you just how weak you really are. Until it passes you are at a standstill. Standing. Waiting for the worst. With so much fury & fright you just hold on the best you know how. As you weaken, tearing you away piece by piece. It will take you years to rebuild. Rebuilding to heal all the wounds you have hidden away. Putting on a smile so nobody needs to worry. I’m guilty. I’m guilty mom, as you have taught me to do so. The strength I have never seems to fail me. It may now as I am starting to weaken. I hate to admit I am. I can’t tell a lie, as you see now firsthand. I will try to do the best I can. I promise.

  • angels_halo_shines 1w

    Just Rest Now

    Life as we know it, is a survival mechanism. We are born, we learn as we go to walk, talk & reach to our loved ones. As we get older we notice life gets a bit harder. Testing us as we walk through gracefully as we can. Some more than ever. Mom & dad, well they have a pass to be called to heaven to their permanent residence then after. They did the best they could to teach us. No one prepares us for the days to come. Or to walk up to a casket seeing your mom laying inside, peaceful more peaceful that you have ever seen her. You reach down to give her one last hug. A kiss on her cheek knowing that’s the last time you will ever see her until your joined in heaven in the next life. Mom never understand my abilities. How they came about. As I have done so many wrongs in life, too many to name now. And in all honesty I don’t even know. I told her before she got confused to reach out to me & call to me as I will be watching for her. Hoping then she would that everything I told her was never made up, I just needed her to believe. To believe in the life that was chosen for me. It never failed she had no belief. I don’t even know if she believed in me. I don’t make up stories.
    She passed yesterday at 6:00a.m.
    Peacefully. Her head rate sped up and that was the end. She was in so much pain & misery. She physically or mentally could not take anymore. She is in good hands now. She has met Autumn, seen her beauty as I never have. Maybe her hatred towards life can change. And she can appreciate the little things. I hope she is comfortable now. She can understand I tried to teach & prepare her for. I tried so hard during this life time to do so here. To no avail. I love her so much. I just wished I could have made her proud of me. But, this lifetime has been so very hard on us. Maybe her watching down will be tithe tell tale to everything I tried so hard to make her see.
    I love you mom, I always have. I’m sorry you didn’t always see it or feel it. It’s always been there. And if I could take some of your pain & suffering for my own, I surely would have. No questions asked. I just didn’t know how. Maybe next time around I will be strong enough. Please forgive me I wasn’t the perfect daughter. I was just me, all I could ever be. You taught me to have strength in the worst of times. Making me the woman I am today. I can’t thank you enjoy for that.

    Please rest now, for it is your time. Call it to me as you need to as I will never ignore you. I will always love you. Thank you for make arrangements easy for me, I couldn’t have made them. I’m breaking as I write this & even before at the funeral home. Lillian is stay close to me, thankfully. As I need her to keep me strong. Thank you for always loving me, as it wasn’t always easy to do.
    May you rest easy now, no more pain.You can walk or run if you like. Stay with Autumn, please keep an eye out for her. She would love to finally meet you!!

  • angels_halo_shines 1w


    One stroke at a time, I watch the clock
    Going around & around

    One stroke at a time I see the point
    Time keeps us going day in day out

    One stroke at a time I look about
    I see & feel what others miss

    One stroke at a time we never know
    We are about to take our last breath

  • angels_halo_shines 1w

    For my son, Brian Jr. but to me he will always be my Bub. As I write this tears dripping down, I realize how blessed I am. For my kids, they picked me to be there mom. (That’s what is said, I didn’t know until recently.) I am blessed.

    #empath #empathmind #ceesreposts #writersnetwork #bully #stopbullying #blessed

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    Impressionable World
    (part 2)

    My last post was written in a twisted sick plot almost brought upon my son. He was bullied, for just being himself. Cuz he doesn’t know how to be anyone else. The other kid snatched his phone from him during school. The other kid didn’t get enough I guess during that incident. So, he went to his house, took out his gun, loaded & with back up ammunition. He then was on his way to find my son. And Thank you God my son was a young man that stayed in the house, cuz who even knows if he had been out and crossed paths with that boy.

    That same boy got stopped by our local police enforcement. During the time the police searched him they found the gun, loaded and more ammunition. And the boy said he was on his way to find my son. There was a court date and my son had to attend. At that time he was 15, so for the next 3 years there was a restraining order issued. For the other boy to stay away from my son.

    It’s been 4 years. I was looking on our clerk of courts website, I came across that same boy. I could see the hatred in his eyes. The hatred that burns it you look too long. He is a 19 year old black American young man, serving 60 years to life. He has 1st degree murder charges, manslaughter charges and others. I sat in silence as I thought to myself, I knew that boy would have done what had intended to do that day. And I just thank God it was stopped. Because in a matter of seconds who even knows. I still have my son, I am thankful. I am blessed. We all are. He’s a big teddy bear with big brown eyes, so full of curiosity and drive to do better. For himself and those around him.

  • angels_halo_shines 1w

    Impressionable World
    (Part 1)

    Too many fake personable expressionistic narcissistically characteristics in close proximity.
    Unbearable to me almost always.
    I have to the old, gotta remove myself from it all. Immediately. That’s never fast enough, unfortunately. To be impressionable, why isn’t being yourself enough? Why put a mask on, for people to see a characteristic of your choosing, version of you? I see this in many people, unfortunately. Hiding your most unique ideas & pleasures mostly because you are afraid of the judgement being passed.
    So what. I say let them pass their judgement. It shows there empty personalities & narcissistic madness going on inside their minds. All they know is how to flip on a button for their mask mode.

    It must be a simplistically rationalization for them. It isn’t for me.
    I won’t ever understand it. Masking mode, it’s not for me. I don’t know how to be anything else but myself at all times. We all have our characteristic traits. The ones that define us. The ones that make us our unique selves. Uniquely us. In a world that is so fast to throw judgements on another being. Some push & push more until a small child can’t tolerate anymore. As they were as tolerant as they could have been given the circumstances. Imagine being bullied & bullied until you wanted to die. I wonder how those children are raised.
    Maybe in a home where judgement day was every day for them. So hey we can take it out on someone else just like dad does me. That’s not who they are. That’s who they have become. A learned behavior. Hiding behind a mask to bully another being.

    When does bullied get their chance? Because they are who they are. There are no masks available. See they were not raised to hide behind who they aren’t. They are who they are. Period.
    So be it. I mean if others can’t deal with it, just leave them be. It’s so very simplistic a young child can understand. We have teenagers & young adults bullying the innocent & vulnerable. Just so they can feel better about themselves. I mean I guess. Then they go home to the alcoholic dad, that then bullies them. Night after night, day after day. Intoxicated, ferocious, subsequently attacking behaviors. Such behaviors lead to self hate & a need for control. To control all they can because without it they feel powerless. A hatred built off their own fear, but seeming superior & almost grandiose.
    Nobody knows what goes on inside a childs mind when treated that way. Most can speculate. Some may know but too afraid to speak up. Keep that in mind next time you feel the need to bully someone. That it could be you on the other side of that fence. How much could you take? As much as you have given of yourself? I know that answer but I will let you ponder on that. Bullying is ignorance. Just because it was taught to you doesn’t mean you do onto others. Make it end. Do get help, someone will listen to you.

  • angels_halo_shines 1w

    The curse of the family of depression that went on for centuries before me
    I couldn’t break the pattern.
    For I became part of it, tripping over my own depression. Claiming it was easy. Disowning it wasn’t for the weak or sting minded. Seems there was no escape. As the patterns have been enclosed in our blood. Locked & sealed. Patterns are meant to be broken, just not this one. It runs too deep. There was no escape.

  • angels_halo_shines 1w

    Her Madness

    Her eyes look like unheard stories, such stories if you listen closely her eyes will speak to you. Deep in her eyes was a storage of infinite strength. Her deep brown eyes told stories she could never recall. As her eyes witnessed a lifetime of pain, regret & heartache. So many broken promises broke her down. It took so much for her to trust because she learned nobody’s word is as good as they portray it to be. Her bravery came natural. As she treaded through life as the madness around her got out of control. She had a madness inside of her. A madness eating her alive. Day after day. Told not to dwell. She knew it was time. Her time. To finalize her madness. Conclusions never came easy as she went through every possible outcome in her mind. This outcome changed everything. Her bravery took her anywhere. Her madness fed her theories that people never stayed long. She learned to do well on her own. And that’s all she ever knew, that was enough for her. She was found happiness in no fear of being left or lonely, because being alone was the best way for her. No more madness. No more fears of letting go. She had herself, that’s how she stayed. Alone & free from pain.

  • angels_halo_shines 1w

    What is yellow?

    The last song you ever sang to me, singing to me who I was, I just didn’t know then.