(LOADING)... Finding myself again
I'm doing this for myselfFor me and my mental healthI dont deserve to be stuck in this place anymoreOne day i'll be free to walk out the door I've been a prisoner far too longAnd still i dont know what i did wrongSo if thats the caseWhy am i trapped in this dark place? I'm going to put myself firstSo i no longer feel the worstI'm going to be selfish for once in my lifeSo i can remove the knifeI'm going to get up and winLet the moving on games begin He doesnt deserve my tears or the pain,He doesnt get to keep me from dancing in the rain.He broke me for that is trueHe left me paralyzed not knowing what to doBut i am still breathing despite all the trauma despite the 24/7 nightmareAnd that means theres still life in me somewhere I'll find myself again one step at a timeI can almost see it, its the climbI have never loved myself but i hope one day i do,I hope one day i can move on from you.©amyjoylouise96x
#happybirthdaytome #depressed #alone #25 #stillalive #isurvived #fml
Its my birthday
So todays my birthday i'm another year olderBut whats changed? Because these nights just keep getting colderI'll say to myself this year i'm going to change my lifeStabbing myself in the back with a knifeSetting myself up for failure i guess i'm used to thatI'll just keep being the way i am, getting more fat25 now and i stopped living my life at 21Will i ever feel normal again? Or has that feeling forever gone?I dont deserve to live this waySo i hold on to hope, hoping i'll make it, someday. Happy birthday to meI am so lonelyWish i had someone who could hold meHappy endings only exist in stories ©amyjoylouise96x
#heartbreak #f4f #poetry #feelings #mystory #lovehurts #wordshurt #depressed #mentalhealth #heruinedmylife #wishicouldhateyou #mythoughts #mentalhealthawareness
Wish you could read this.
Lets talk about all the times you hurt me, God sometimes i wish i hurt you tooBecause everyday i tried to do and be the best for you and after all that we were through.All those times you begged me to stay and i did i stayed by your sideThat time you sent me a love song & you pictured me as your brideWhat happened to all of that why couldnt you try to make things rightI'll never forget that heart sinking feeling when you left me that friday the 13th night.You threw away what we had and could have had over a lousy textLeft me here wondering who was your nextI begged you to stay and you didnt so i fell down and i've never been the sameYou left someone who would have never given up on you, boy your ass is lame. You still hurt me like you did& boy you lied about foreverBecause we didnt last that long at allWere we ever really together?©amyjoylouise96x
#movingon #imissyou #whenyoulovesomeoneletthemgo #heartbreak #betterthanthat #loveyourselffirst
I miss you a little less everyday.
I still miss youBut not as much as i used too.No, i'm still not over youBut just like us, that wont last forever boo.See what i miss the most are the memories that we madeThe memories that you wasted and now they just fade.I dont regret those happy times because i was over the moon,Even when we would just cuddle until noon.You fucked everything up by giving up on me, You gave up on someone who would have supported whoever you wanted to be.I let you have time with your friends, your family & even yourself,Meanwhile you never gave a shit about my mental health.I do remember the good times but i also remember the worst,Like the times you would sleep at night knowing my heart had burst,Into a million tears because of a fight,& then all day i'd wait until you finally tell me we're alright.& i'll obviously never forget that hotel morning and how i stupidly let you get away with what you did that day,But i didnt wanna ruin your life just because you ruined mine & i knew the police wouldnt even care what i say.Because i'm a nobody & i've always seen myself like that, I saw you as an absolute King & i was just a fat rat.I always knew it was too good to be true,How could someone like me last forever with someone like you.You had your whole life ahead of you and i was trying to make a future for me tooBut you ruined that for me & now for so long i have been so lost not knowing who i am or what to do.I appreciate that for some time you did love me and you did care,Even though that love didnt last forever, it still happened, you were still there.But you left me & now i'm still trying to put the pieces together,I have been single since and the only feeling of being in love i have is sitting in rainy weather.I dont hate you because hate is a very strong word,But you definitely dont make me feel as free as a bird,You used to you were my escape before,& if you ever miss us that was your fault you threw the relationship out of the door.I wont lie and say i have moved on because sometimes it still feels like yesterday when you left what we hadBut everyday i become a little less sad.You're not always on my mind like you used to be,One day i'll find myself again, one day i'll be me.©amyjoylouise96x
Happy Birthday Oliver(Poem for my Nephew)
Wow little man its your birthday, today is all about you, you're no longer one, you are now a treasured two.You'll get lots of new toys to play with and lots of new clothes to wear, and everyone will want lots of cuddles and kisses from you to show how much they really love you and how much they trully care.You're such a beautiful boy and we all knew that when we first saw your cute little face, we all love how sweet and gentle you are with your baby cousin Daisy Grace.You're such a funny little character with such a gorgeous and bright smile, you can sometimes be a little monkey but the love you give makes that all worthwhile.In the past 2 years we have watched you as you learn and grow, your Mummy and Daddy are so proud to call you their son you know.You have filled up all of our hearts we love you more than words could ever say, the most perfect little boy born on the 19th of May.We all hope you have such a roarsome day as you open all your presents and eat lots of cake, and make sure throughout the day you play your favourite songs to have a little boogie shake.Diana and Roma wish you the best and so do Peppa and George, Horrid Henry and Fireman Sam and not forgetting Baby Shark, Zog and your latest favourite hero, Spiderman.We all are so lucky to have you in our lives, you make the skys so blue, Oliver Andrew Mckeegan we all love youSO SO SO MUCH, ENJOY YOU SPECIAL DAY, LOTS OF LOVE FROM ALL YOUR FAMILY & FRIENDS,(INCLUDING THE ONES YOU WATCH ALL THE TIME ON TV) LOVE YOU LOTS AND ALWAYS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY Xxxxx©amyjoylouise96x
#sexualassaultawarenessmonth #nomeansno #narcassist #heruinedmylife
Lets call it 'our valentines' shall weThe morning after a lovely night at FrankiesDidnt see it as a big deal until we were no longer togetherGuess i was too blinded by the love i thought would last foreverWonder if you remember it yourselfDoubt it because you only ever cared about you & your healthOn the other hand i always put you firstEven when an argument would out of nowhere burstI was always wrong & you were always rightI preffered to be in the dark but you continued switching on the lightEverything had to go your way, never mineI always liked the rain, you liked the sunshineAnyways i'll continue with that morning shall iThe morning i was looking out of the hotel window just watching the birds flyYou woke up, as 'in the mood' as ever beforeUsually it was me who would ask for affection & moreBut no that morning you were a different guyWhy didnt i see your true colours then, why oh why?You walked over to me and put your hands around my waistThose hands of yours i never wanted replacedI was so in love with you i held on to your touchBut you didnt just want a cuddle as suchWhich would have been okay if i didnt repeatedly tell you no, I was like 'wear protection & your good to go'But you ignored me everytime i didnt give you that consentWhere was the condom? It was supposed to be the main star, it was supposed to representYou couldnt be 'bothered' getting one and so you proceededI'm sorry but were my words misleaded?After that i remember talking about what happened on the phone to my bestfriendShe believed me straight away for my words were not pretendI was there looking at make at home pregnancy kits because i thought i actually wasI even refused to sleep on my belly, y'know just becauseBut then i had a test before getting the birth control you could have waited forThen you wouldnt have had to use anything, just like my ex's beforeI was always the one who fought for us & made the plansExcuse me but werent you meant to be the mans?Our relationship carried on for many months after that dayWhen you left me i wanted you to stay in some waySo i reflected back on all our memories & thats when i remembered that morning& i hated myself for not seeing that as such a huge warningI was so desperate to keep you in my life it was really tragicI thought by blackmailing you, you would stay as though it was magicI only wanted to stay friends & you treat me like a complete strangerThe funny thing about that was you were the dangerI couldnt go to the police because i'm not one to ruin anothers lifeProbably would have been less painful if you'd have just stabbed me with a knifeI stopped living & started hiding all because of you& the days went by through & throughNot one apology, you didnt even care to give closureSo this is why theres this exposureI'm tired of keeping quiet& yes it may cause a riotBut you're lucky you got away with what you did to meNot every woman would let you off so easilyI want to say thanks though for from you i have learnt not to chaseSo if someone wants to hurt me, lets have a raceFirst to the finish would be me& before they even try i would fleeFor many, its traumatic to remember their assaultBut just because there was a relationship, doesnt mean it was a defaultIts something that will scar me for as long as i'm aliveBut dont worry, for the pain, i 'will' survive.©amyjoylouise96x
#broken #lost #heartbroken #mentalillness #mentalhealthawareness #chronicpain #tired
He broke my heartTore me apartI cant explainHow much i'm in painThought he loved me soGuess he didnt if i was that easy to let goAs much as i want to regretIts proven difficult to forgetThe memories torture me every dayI wish i could just run awayI wish i didnt miss him at allI wish i could get back up after i fallBut i'm constantly exhausted nowLost him but also lost myself somehow.©amyjoylouise96x
#babyniece #babygirl #newarrival #newaddition #family #love
We are all excited to meet you little princess
Hi there little beauty, we hope you are staying warmBecause soon we get to meet you & you'll see the night and the dawn.Ever since we heard the news that you were arriving,We were all so excited our hearts were thriving.You are already so loved by us all,We will always pick you up if ever you fall.You have a big family just thought we should let you know, & each and every one of us cant wait to watch you learn & play & grow.Your Mummy & Daddy have been waiting for you for so long, Soon you will be out of the womb & into their arms where you belong.We cant wait to meet you, to admire your precious little face,You are all of the beautiful stars in the sky that we see from space.The time is flying by which means we shall see you very soon,For now tiny princess, stay cosy in your little cocoonWe love you so muchWelcome to the family beautiful baby girl♡©amyjoylouise96x
A letter i write and pretend to send to you
Hey you, i just want to reach out and say how are you today?Infact how have you been since you decided to end what we had?I havent heard anything from you in nearly 4 years so cant be so badI bet in those 4 years you have made lots of memories and had a pretty good time,Do you know what i have done? Blamed & beat myself for loving you as though i had commited a crime.Talking about crimes, do you remember that hotel morning of february 2017? You were so excited, like a kid watching a moving washing machine.What was i doing? Just looking out of the window,Then what happened? Oh you know.I mean before, things were good you used protectionBut that morning was there an objection?Better yet was i speaking a different language to you?Because you didnt seem to understand me when i repeatedly told you no, boo.If you werent so silly& wrapped your willyThen i wouldnt have anything against you.& for that month whilst i was sorting out birth control i thought i was pregnant y'know,I felt disgusting, i was scared, but we were in love so...I soon forgot & we carried on being together,I never mentioned what happened because i was so lost being with you i struggled to know the upcoming weather.It was only when you left me, when you broke my heart in two,Thats when i realised what you actually did do,& i loved you & didnt want to lose you so i threatened you & asked if we could stay friends so i wouldnt lose you completely,You tried but told me you dont talk to friends, as though you wanted it to be kept discreetly.I'm sorry but wasnt you the one who walked into MY life and always begged ME to stay?So how could you treat me like that, in such a horrible way.You were the one who said 'i love you first' but when you left me you made me feel like the worst.After we broke up and i reminded you of what happened that day,You had to hurt me even more by saying if i didnt blackmail you, you would still have feelings for me & you said i made them go away.But if you still had feelings for me why did you leave?Left me on my own with the demons, i could barely breathe.Even though you ruined my life i loved you too much not to ruin yours so i kept things quietNow i wish i started a riotBecause i have barely left my own home since you broke my heart, My future plans, my friendships, my mental health, it all fell apart& i'm done blaming myself because i'm not the one to blameBut afterall these years, not one message, not one apology, how fucking lame.I hope one day you regret everything you did to hurt me and crush me to the groundBecause i have a voice & i want to make my sound.©amyjoy96
Tired of it.
Sick of being hurt, sick of being usedDo i also have to apologise for being sexually abused!?Every guy iv spoke to has just made me cry& i constantly ask myself why oh WHY.What did i do to you for you to be so mean?I was always there for you, asking you how have you been.I'm mentally and physically drained but yet i am still there for people who need advice,How do i stop myself feeling so hurt? Do i put myself in rice?Good people get shit on and thats absolute facts,Boys be out here getting pleasure from breaking us, they be making heartbreaker pacts.I have done nothing but love and care,So for me to suffer the way i do everyday is so fucking unfair.May aswell just end my life right now, this year,Because it doesnt get better, its been so long, its become very clear.Wasnt me who hurt anyone yet its me who has to feel the pain,Tryna keep myself alive everyday, tryna keep myself from going insane.Iv been used, abused, walked all over, cheated on, left heartbroken & lied to so many times,Now i feel imprisoned & for what god damn crimes!?Iv always been a good person, always had a good heart,But these people wanna keep hurting me & i gotta press restart.What is a life if you're constantly in a dark place?I hate my existence, my lifes a disgrace.©amyjoy96