I have been deprived of sleep lately. Peeking upto window near my bed I guess at my most unpalatable melieu- the winter's eventide.
Predominantly throughout my early teens I had an exhilaration at this hour of the day. Later these days I have a sensation of missing him, on watching the stillness outside. Feels like this is the representation of him- the calmness. The clement ambience outside, the brisk breeze are the elucidation of something appealing and I still feel devoid and makes me vulnerable. I feeble as I yearn for him to be by my side.
Being someone who antipathies with every season outside, still felt the fevour of supple green grass and subtle falling leaves of autumn, when his presence nudged and fondled me.
Upon fading away from my beloved possie in thoughts, I get back to my sanity and crave for him again. It seems like ages even when he had made me chortle a little while back. Sooner it gonna be in the after-hours when he'll caress me with his baritone like voice.
I conjecture,his smirk at the end to which I had gone crimson red that day, very well portrayed the fact that he knew his charisma has done magic within me.
Those, secluded quarters of some unprecedented pain, releasing into your veins everytime you pay a visit just to perceive that muffled voice, veiled and suppressed under some overlapping & fleeting distraction that we fabricate, to make ourselves believe that we're happy. Feeble lament of obfuscated exertion everytime you hear some relatable lyrics, you wish you could clench your heart hard to stop the pain. All these are directly concomitant to the vehemence of 'LOVE'. We really can't be in a 'all-smiling' relationship ever. But don't you think it would become less strenuous if the other person understands your state? The aggregate amount of 'PAIN' that love gives, drenched with tears of several sleepless nights, long waits and heartaches even when it's ain't a heartbreak. From substantial proportion of confusion to trade in darker and affected paths, weighing your eye lashes everytime you blink, can only be given by love itself. Sometimes, it lingers that, is it same with the other person too? But then the reality and it's a negation in answer. When it cripples the heart and you almost feel stifled. We desiderate to run and run until we shake 'OUR PERSON' to wake up to this bursting pain within us and then we discern that we can't even budge an inch. Sitting alone with everything almost dead within and out, this single emotion 'love' gives us a hell of a ride on some harrowing psychic roller coaster . All you're allowed is just to be a silent observer, after all you're someone who has surrendered.
"How come at this hour?",he asked, as he picked up. "I was getting thoughts about you anyway" I whimed if he could have seen my flushed cheeks. After all it was my first late night call and I was too shy to enounce anything after that. Only if he would have known the number of conclusions I fought against just before I dialled that number which had settled in my mind the moment I had it. "Umm... actually I was..." "Missing me? "
He started," You know, my cellphone, always had silent mode on at this hour but today... " " Today? ", I asked. He smiled," You know it" I could perceive my lips parting with that same blush again. He was unaware of the fact that I would call him,that to at that hour.
It was during the monsoons, I stepped out. My bare feet touching the wet concrete. It had rained heavy some moments before and it was dazzling then. "Why don't you come out?" I asked. "I wonder what's more you gonna make me do when we'll meet" ,he said as he stepped out to his terrace, under those soothing drops. I laughed, it was after such protracted period of time and all of it felt so real. Some months before, we had no idea of our existence, neither did we meet and yet I saw myself getting pulled towards him, like he's a miracle waiting to happen in my not so perfect life. I loved the silence in between. It was past midnight and it felt as if that moment was favouring us all by itself with soft cold breeze, silence all around and the dazzles ofcourse. He was describing me something & me, losing the track of words simply went on listening to the way he pronounced each word. "Only if I could see you while you talked like this", I blurted out in between. " Hmm?",he reciprocated and I could hear him smiling. Right that moment was my epiphany and he became the cause of my euphoria. The rain had stopped and around 3:42 am which I remember exactly,he said me, "You should sleep" I asked,"Why suddenly this?" And then I lost count on the number of times he had made me blush heretofore when that voice, I fell for uttered, "Dream about me,they say 4am dreams come true". Finally, I could say something that needed no prior conclusions, " I love you, you're already my reality" "I love you too" ❤️
Last night,when I was by the window, With thoughts about you & us, I wondered Is this how soulmate feels like? And as I did so,a series of other thoughts lingered away and this is how I put them on.
Amidst the talks about something really cardinal,when I prattle actually nothing, Still you invariably preface me a position of importance, forbearance,which is often cosseted, Where I find you yourself catapulted into doing so.
At times when I flaunt, Serenely,you let me trade the boards saying, "I just wanted to see how long you can sham on" I find it difficult to potray your calm & serene rudeness & the hidden care beneath.
From being cleped by me as My 'Mr Crystal Chandelier' to 'Mr The most Desirable', I want to ken which of these you relish the most. I love myself more when you call me your Ms Copyright.
And then just in a jiffy,how you make me roll my eyes and the next moment make me grin like a Cheshire cat. From keeping track of things that I don't even consider important to putting everything right for me, I'm the luckiest that you've made me grow.
Was I always been this desirably wanted by you?
At times when your solicitude drives me the happiest & I ask you "Why do you heed & love so much?" " Because you're precious to me Sweetie" Is what I've all throughout heard in return. Blushing like a fool.
The fortunate strokes of serendipity and each moment between us,that you amazingly make beautiful saying, "This distance isn't anything as our hearts are together"
At the end of the day,when you've just put enough smile, I just comprehend how much you've endured to be someone you never were just for us. My neutral man in an assembly of hopeless romantics and insane lovers, And a person with cold logics in a crowd of dreamers.
Your love, so maddening, has made me a forlorn traipse. Intermittently, discombobulates me to solicit that should I lament or be more adrift into solitude. While all the way making melancholy my only guide as I slowly, step by step, enter the world of dark shades.
While you on your way to heal yourself at places where I'm absent, I'm being a phlegmatic, still figuring out what actually inside me should I reinvigorate first.
Each and every piece that I ink down, every now and then, They say , I resent you in them. Do you think so? Oops, you've been silent to my queries since so long.
But is it my fault that my garden full of beauties, my diary full of poems, this wind whispering something everytime, these isolated & cold evenings, long laid, never ending streets at night and the soothing rays of the moon, All of it seem half-filled without you?
At the minute, as you've vanished And I'm mislaid as if I've been a bereft since the inception, Can I scream out loud and plead for my life please?
Well, it already feels the same because even my breath lies between the lines on your palm.
Is it even love, if you haven't skipped your favourite playlist to listen to his mentioned songs? Is it even love, if you haven't spent countless hours talking to him about almost nothing?
Or... been too much excited when you see his unexpected phone calls?
Were you even in love if you haven't given away nights just reading all over again & again, his little texts,he sent you? Were you even in love if it hasn't kept you wondering what he meant when he said you something?
Or... been walking down your memory lane & smiling silly over memories with him & at the same time getting possessive for your beautiful tomorrow?
And then were the days when you think everything is real and then there are days you deep down knew all these gonna break you. Actually,once in every while you'll meet someone, you'll fall for that someone so hard that you'll let him break your heart. You'll listen him lying and just smile aside thinking only if he meant it.
Is it even love if you don't keep telling yourself that atleast your part is real even though his isn't?
At last when he'll leave... You'll just be left hovering over how to say goodbye when your heart still wants to hold on.
Among those numerable songs in my playlist, skipping even those which are my all time favourite,I clicked on that one song.
"Mohabat, Ibadat, Shikayat main jis se karun woh tum ho........"
As the music went, my mind raced towards those moments that my heart carried all throughout. -------------------------------------------- Those imprints of your fingers fondling me, Disrobing my body and caressing my naked soul, At the same time your lips touching mine everytime, I drowned more into you.
// The taste of your lips still lingers on my breath //
The warmth of your breath against my neck, my collarbone and Down as you went, Me imploding while realising how delicately you've handled me all throughout.
// I learnt how to love myself more,exactly the way you do to me//
My scalding tears, when I felt you in me, Was the proof tht I've given up everything near you. You tilted my chin up, cupping my face then, as I was shying away, Locking your eyes with mine, as if telling me, I was everything you ever deamt of.
// I saw my heaven in your eyes//
The tender firmness in your grip was enough as a touchstone that I was the one who grounded your heart and has captured you as a whole.
// I felt then how much comprehensive you're about losing me//
Being with you,I felt complete. It was a bliss when you whispered 'I love you' and my head over your chest, listening to my name, Amazingly rhythmic to your heartbeat. I slowly closed my eyes, as I drowned completely into you. . . . This distance persisting now isn't a quandary as your name itself has become an emotion for me. So please stay.
I stayed up all night; Gazing at the ceiling. Overthinking and bewaling; With my body shivering in, Cold hell of fading fumes. My soul burning.
Living a sad poetry of my anxious self, I stayed up all night. Holding my pillow a little too tight, Saying myself I'm alright, With my chest heavy and; Eyes bleeding.
As I inhaled and exhaled, My Insecurities wrapped my mind. I stayed up all night, in the green dim light; Feeling not good enough, For the universe.
Beneath my huge blanket, I absconded. Warmed myself facing my deepest darkest secrets, I stayed up all night. Trying hard to see; The world more lucid.
One day I glow up a big smile, The other I'm on the edge, Feeling worse. Insecurities being my thick prison, I stayed up all night. Solivagant and timid.
I was still fighting myself. Then, I turned myself to the other side, Feeling a bit revealed. I hugged my flaws and acknowledged my self worth, I dried my eyes, everyone was now awake, but; I stayed up all night.
Songs pull at my heartstrings, reminding me of you.. A home i lost, A world i still live in somehow. A beautiful memory, I still hold close. Resting deep in my soul, Your allure. Oh how I've held on.. Even though, I've known all along, That the home i long for, was never mine to have, nor will it be anymore. Whispers telling me to leave, Would it be wrong to shut my ears? Leave open my eyes.. When all the light i saw, is now just a black hole.. I'm pulled in, My breath is gone, But i still hold you close.. Asked birds to pick at this skin, And beasts to chew every bone. Engraved deeply, with that name of yours.. However.. the air. The empty atmosphere Still echoes.. Of lost hope. What once was a lovers' haven, Is now an empty haunted home. A wreck more so, With shadows wandering, And hollowed out screams, Calling, crying and aching for.. a lost dream. Everything is gone.. The ache still alive, In an empty haunted home. That still longs for lost love.. And unattainable hope.