amber_snow

∞ waiting for the world to stop spinning ∞

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  • amber_snow 3w

    Game of Love

    How long do I stand here and watch?
    Watch you claw out my heart
    Dig into my flesh
    Eat the muscles and flesh and veins

    How long do I let you dig into me?
    Grab at bones and crush them in your teeth
    When do I stop?
    Stop letting you shatter my bones like fragile glass

    Do I run from you?
    But you make me hurt
    I love hurting
    I love the burn and the sick feeling in my stomach

    You tear out my heart and watch it beat
    Watch it bleed
    Blood running down my cheeks
    Burning my skin as it drips

    Are you my end or my beginning?
    Do I get reborn now?
    Will you make me happier?
    Make me laugh and smile again?

    Blood spurts from my mouth as I try it
    Try laughing again
    Try joking and smiling
    You step away... scared

    My heart falls to the floor and shatters
    I stare at it
    Still, lifeless
    Bleeding still...

    I bleed
    You smile

    I smile
    You run...

    Thus is the game of love

    ©amber_snow

  • amber_snow 3w

    Sick of Counting

    I'm so sick of counting
    Another day gone
    Another meaningless day to add to the counter
    How many now?
    Probably too many...

    The world gave me my time limit
    Why do I go against it?
    Who am I to decide when I die?
    When I suffer?
    When I cry?

    I'm so sick of counting
    I want to give up
    Give in
    Let my skin feel the burn of air on blood that it craves
    Cover my nailbeds in blood

    Why do I carry on?
    Why do I deny hell my soul?
    Why do I go against Satan himself and stay alive?
    Why not give into sin
    For apparently my pain is a sin

    You may not mutilate your body
    Well sorry God it's already been done
    By a stupid teenager who wished she had someone to love
    By a stupid kid who didn't know who to trust
    By a lonely child who sinned

    And now I pay for it
    I go to hell
    I get sent to a place where fire reigns supreme

    Good thing I always loved the burn...

    ©amber_snow

  • amber_snow 3w

    Hi Mom

    Hi mom
    It's been a while...

    What?
    What do I have to say for myself?
    Are you kidding me?
    I come home and your first instinct is to scold me?

    You're sorry?
    For what exactly? 
    Because you have a lot to apologize for
    What am I talking about?

    Well what about the time you forgot me in a store?
    Or the time you dropped me on my head when I was a baby?
    Or, the times I sat at school waiting to be picked up but you never came?
    What about the times you left us alone for weeks with dad who barely came home?

    What about how when I broke a glass I felt such fear at your reaction I would let the glass cut my fingers so you'd pity me instead?
    What about how you told me about death and destruction when I was 9 years old?

    What about how you made me grow up at 13?
    What about the nights I spent sobbing because I knew you wouldn't understand?
    What about the way you put yourself above your children?
    What about the way you pressured me to succeed so much that it made me hate school?

    What about how you started threatening me with beatings at 15 when I never thought you had a violent bone in your body?
    What about the way you compared me and my sister so much that we both ended up insecure and filled with hatred?
    What about the way you told me that the only way you would accept my queerness was if I still believed in God?

    What about the way you knew I was scratching up my skin and bloodying my nails and didn't do anything to help me?!

    Or how when I was 14 I knew I'd never talk to you again after I moved out?

    Those are a few things that might ring a bell for me

    But hey, maybe I'm the one in the wrong here
    Maybe I'm the one who's blowing things out of proportion?
    Isn't that what you always told me?
    That I'm overreacting?

    You're sorry... ?
    You're not sorry for shit
     
    ©amber_snow

  • amber_snow 4w

    Knock On Wood

    Knock on wood
    Knock on wood
    I won't do it
    I can't do it

    Knock on wood
    Knock on wood
    Hand reaching out, gripping
    Cold metal touching skin

    Knock on wood
    Knock on wood
    Smiles on faces
    Turned bloody by maces

    Knock on wood
    Knock on wood
    My father knocked out on the floor
    Blood all over my hands

    Knock on wood
    Knock on wood
    Knock on the door
    Blue uniforms and guns

    Knock on wood
    Knock on wood
    Running down the stairs
    Met with frightened stares

    Knock on wood
    Knock on wood
    Handcuffs, one last kiss
    My mother begging for closure 

    Knock on wood
    Knock on wood
    Do you know the sound of sirens
    As clearly as I do?

    Knock on wood
    Knock on wood
    The slamming of the hammer
    The sentence, death

    Knock on wood
    Knock on wood
    This can't be real
    This can't be true

    Knock on wood
    Knock on wood
    Knocking on my coffin
    Staring death in the face

    Knock on wood
    Knock on wood
    Please don't let them
    Please don't just sit there!

    Knock on wood
    Knock on wood
    Knock on-
    Would you save me?

    ©amber_snow

  • amber_snow 6w

    Cut Me Open

    I need you to crawl under my skin
    Burrow your way into my heart
    Even if it hurts
    Even if it breaks me

    Surgeons have to cut up the skin to fix the problem
    So I need you to cut me open, because my heart is broken

    I need to feel the pain so that one day it won't hurt anymore
    I need to feel the wounds so that I can look at the scars and smile
    I need to stop breathing so that I can love the fresh air
    I need to stop living so that I can stop myself from dying

    So take that knife and cut into me
    I'm scared of being open 
    I'm terrified of letting you see my insides
    But you have to

    If I'm going to heal, I need to hurt

    And you need to be the one to hurt me

    ©amber_snow

  • amber_snow 6w

    I JUST WANT TO FUCKING SLEEP

  • amber_snow 8w

    The Girl With the Pearl Necklace

    She walked along the shore that day, the rain pattering against her back, her bare feet in the wet sand, the only thing with her - a pearl necklace. That damned pearl necklace.

    As she watched the waves crash, she stood still, facing what she had come here to do, ready to step into the ocean and drown her sorrows. But as she stood there, ready to take her first step - memories flooded her and she clutched at the necklace hanging around her neck.

    Her father had given it to her… and left the very same night, saying he was going abroad to study music. That was where the tides turned you could say. When the drowning sensation filled her life.

    Her mother had turned to pills and gambling to stiffen the sorrow. It had left them homeless - jumping from couch to couch of family friends, until of course her mother was sentenced to prison and the authorities took her in.

    People started to pity her. Pity - what an awful emotion. It was the one thing that enraged her the most. When people looked down on her because of her struggles. She might've even hated it more than music. Stupid music.

    It wrapped its dark tendrils around her father and reached for her sister next. She was the next to leave. They'd stuck together but here she was leaving for college… to study music… She was run over by a car her first day on campus.

    It left her alone… isolated… left to sit in this boiling pot of water that was slowly making its way into her lungs. It was what led her here to the beach - about to sit in that drowning sorrow forever. It seemed only fitting.

    It was there where she stood by the shore, waves crashing against her legs, threatening to pull her in where she heard those notes, familiar notes - like the melody of a childhood lullaby her mother would sing to her while her father played guitar. That's when she noticed it was indeed a guitar playing. A stupid guitar playing stupid songs.

    Why on this day of all days did someone decide to practise their so-called talents. She wanted to turn around, run to the unknown person and break the guitar against the nearby boulders but she stood still.

    Refusing to turn around for she knew she wouldn't have the strength to turn back around again to face the sea and do what she came here to do. As she took her first step she heard the voice. His voice.

    "Now what is a fine lady doing out here in the rain?" It was a man. The voice sounded familiar but different at the same time, like it had aged and smoothed over. She was going to ignore it, take another step, but then she heard her name.

    No one knew her, her family all gone, the friends she had left all back at the orphanage, having television time. That's when she turned around. That face... That guitar… It couldn't be… "How's the family kiddo?" It was.

    At that moment every piece of resentment, every night she spent punching her pillow seeing his face - it all went away. In its place an ache in her heart, a need to be embraced. A need that pushed power into her legs again and sent tears streaming down her cheeks as her body collided with his and they fell to the floor. "Dad…" was all that left her mouth. "You're back…"

    ©amber_snow

  • amber_snow 10w

    Threads

    They pull lightly at my threads
    Poking fun with needles
    Criss crossing over my chest
    My heartstrings mixing with the others

    They pull lightly on my threads
    Sewing my mouth shut 
    And making sure I am frayed at the edges
    So that there's loose material to tug at

    They pull tightly at my threads
    Watching me slowly come undone
    Knot after not, seam after 
    Seems like I'm dying

    They pull at my threads
    Unravelling my feelings
    Retelling my worst moments
    Traveling to the deepest parts of my brain

    They pull roughly at my threads
    Watching every resolve fade
    Watching every tearstain stain
    The material in their hands

    They yank out all my threads
    Letting the puppet fall to the floor
    A broken toy
    No longer entertainment
    Instead a dissapointment

    They pull lightly at my threads

    And I come undone

    ©amber_snow

  • amber_snow 12w

    Exhausted

    I have a certain requirement of energy that I need to keep from killing myself
    When I get overworked
    When I get tired
    When I say I'm exhausted

    It's not just a need for sleep
    It's not just a drowsy feeling
    When I say I'm exhausted I mean that I've gone below that level of energy I need to wake up in the morning

    I'm below the level of energy I need to keep my emotions from flooding me
    To keep me from breaking down at the slightest bit of emotional stimuli 
    I'm fucking exhausted

    And when I get below that level...
    It gets dangerous for me
    I feel unsafe
    I feel out of control
    I feel like I don't have the strength to keep fighting...

    So when I tell you I'm tired please understand that a bit of sleep isn't going to fix my problem
    Don't tell me that I can sleep it off
    Because I can't

    I wish I could wake up and that exhaustion would be gone
    But it isn't
    It's not enough

    It's never fucking enough....

    ©amber_snow

  • amber_snow 20w

    These Nights Are The Loneliest

    I've found that these nights are the loneliest. The nights when I wake from the fanatasy with a smile and realise no one is actually there. 

    I am alone and left cold in my bed without my love next to me like I dream every single night. Her arms are not around my body nor is my face nestled against her chest. 

    She is not there to give my forehead a kiss when I wake suddenly in the night and she's not there to sing me to sleep while stroking my hair. 

    I'm alone. And suddenly the tears come. 

    What if these nights never end?

    ©amber_snow