Bae, on your Beautiful Birthday, we wish you all the happiness in the world. This is what we dream for you Bae, may all the joys of life be yours. We will always stay by your side as you go through and grow through life.
Choking in the clasp of grief unknown Thrashing in the whiplash of depression Wandering the narrow paths of pessimism Pushed me down the cliff of insanity It left me hanging on the rope of dread Wondering the plays by fate on threads
Inner voice screams and shouts while Intense shame clouded the senses Insanity breeds on dark thoughts Immobile, I brood away my life
Despite numerous concerns about lives fellow Delving into own inner world isn't allowed Dissolving into those tempting waves mellow Dark and deep runs the thoughts that followed
Overdosed of over thinking, overworking and over loving Lack of understanding, underrated and undervalued
/ 'A person in love measures time in heartbeats' The one without love chases time in heartache /
Wallowing in the self-pity and solemn sorrow Wandering in the footpaths of piled up insecurities Waiting for a closure in the alleyways of traumas Withering away petals untouched by rays of bliss
fall falling fallen
I'm fed up with the tangy taste of goodbye in my mouth I'm so sick of this melodramatic melancholy Last night I let the war of my dread and hope Battle cry rang loud in the field of frenzy mind Fiery fight of fears unknown feisty held the flame of hope Arrows dipped in shame met the shield of pride Kicks rooted in blame met the lash of resolve
Dawn break witnessed the last hour of war Flatlined moments the flurry of feelings escape Heartline steadied as hope arrived in the cape "Count your blessings" as destination is far
arise awake alive
~ Querencia won and light up the stygian darkness of the heart cave ~ Dead lay the dreads that drowned my deeds Lead by hope, willpower sowed self-love seeds
Been preparing for this since a while yet doing it makes everything so real than how I imagined it would be. I'm leaving...
And I'll burn this bridge at the end of these twelve steps. I'll take my home from this house I'll take my home with me I'll take my home in my heart
/ Departure feels like descending the steps of heaven Yearning already crawling through the heart as hiraeth /
Dangling silver chains won't be shining there when the sun comes alive and throws the golden light around. I'm taking them with me. Glass paintings on the window panel would still make rainbow splashes on the adjacent white wall. But I won't be here to feel my rainbow in all it's hue. Tomorrow it'll be someone else's rainbow.
Midnight memories are melting down my heart. Countless nights I've spent here, asleep while night Jasmine scented my dreams all sweet and the mellow moonlight sang lullabies to me. Chill breeze that caressed me in deep slumber and touched my eyelashes to tickle my dreams would miss me when they pass through the half-open windows next time.
Leaving my Eden, my paradise garden breaks my heart all the more. Date palms that greet the morning shine, hibiscus that welcome the well wishes, roses that spread their enchanting fragrance all around, all of them will be missed. For a month I've been growing baby plants from all of them in flower pots in hopes of taking them with me. But no matter how much I try, I can't replace this paradise in another space. So I leave my biggest love behind here. I wish every time I remember this paradise, my love left here will water them and keep on growing.
This rooftop is freedom for me. Where I learned my lessons, played games and sing my heart out to the sky. This sky, from the exact place I'm standing, is all mine - day and night. Yet I can't take this sky away, no matter how they say ' we have the same sky', it's not like that. So I leave this sky behind and pluck those comfy clouds. I stack them in chambers of my heart. Someday when my mind rages as the summer sun, I'll embrace their chill comfort and when my mind pours hard in rain, I'll soak my tears in them.
Walls, the holder of all my memories in Polaroids, the colour of my hope in despair, the shoulder I lean on when I break down - these walls know me more than I know myself. Waves of nostalgia drowns me as I un-pin those photographs and tuck them in an album. I feel they were alive when they could breathe free, will they choke in-between the plastic pages? Can't think more, can't leave them behind. Framed pictures lay politely inside the suitcase while nails left would rust in idle reveries.
Books all over got stacked in boxes. Their abode of bookshelf weeps and moisture crawls through the cracks of the doors. Will the next family have as many books that could make it feel alive ? It's a whole world of fantasy I kept alive in there. I take bits and pieces of them with me for I will grow them again with my dreams.
Emptying the clothes rack took aeons. The closet space seems vast as never before. It's one thing about fixed closets, organizing everything like this would be hard in another space. All the secret chambers, hiding cookies and toffies, jars of wish lists, figurines collections and gifts of crystals and plushies. Do the feel this parting song?
Packed and labelled boxes sent away, one-by-one furnitures too. Rooms getting empty, corners wiped away of life. Tomorrow they'll paint this home again, hushed whispers and sobs would choke in the fresh layer of paint. Memories would still bloom as wall flowers on them.
This house has been my home for thirteen years. Soothed my lonely childhood, guarded my troublesome teenage and sowed seeds of growth for my glowing youth. Yet the gleaming happiness would bloom somewhere else than where it was planted.
I spent some more time in the empty corridors and balcony, rooftop bereft of paper planes, took a stroll through the garden I would leave behind. Don't know if I'm gathering memories or spilling more of them here. I feel full and empty at the same time.
Maybe this home would miss a blossoming bud, Me. Maybe it would make room for another spring. I'll leave my cold heart on the gates of winter, right here. Hope this will be a home for more lonely hearts, even if mine will yearn for this happy home.
This is the last step, I won't turn back and I'll smile through my tears. Wipe my face and sing a ballad as farewell. Leave with lullabies blooming as lilies in the crevices of my heart. I may return someday or maybe never. I've left a piece of me here in exchange of a slice of nostalgia. When memories would rain, I'll hold the umbrella of hope and cuddle my clouds of comfort. In a different dream, in another home...