I wear a lipbalm on my lips because I'm not a lipstick person. I'd prefer care over pleasing sights for eyes. I stand in front of that mirror right above the washbasin where I washed my tear stained face a few minutes ago. Without trying much I give the best smile I can. Widest and happiest. In the end a smile you won't fall for. As if you are standing a few feet apart and watching me smile. Trying to see your reflection on the shine of that pink lipbalm. You won't be able to because nonetheless, my lips will always remain parched. I thank you before moving away from the mirror for teaching me how to smile and for being that smile. My widest and happiest smile. You accept my gratitude with a smile. It's you who made me love my smile. Something no one till now could. You made me fall in love with? Do I have to say this again? You will never be able to make me love myself over you.
From the day I've met you, your smile is the only thing that has made my soul happy. I swear, every single time when I recollect your laugh, I smile. I don't want to make it sound clichè but I've imagined you standing in the middle of a field filled with flowers. Smiling merrily. Looking down at your feet and then looking up to smile wider. You make the flowers sway with happiness everytime you do so. The zephyr touching your cheeks and making your shirt wave, knows that you haven't smiled for real since a while now. For me, after love, smile is the most precious feeling. I'm not allowed to handle you the love I carry in my palms all the time so I try to make you smile. I don't know how many times you've recieved it. Thus, I don't know how many times I've made myself worthy for being with and around you in any way.
The day you'll come to know about my feelings for you, I'll buy my first diary. Paint its first page with blue, pink and then purple. I'll paint shiny stars on blue, pretty flowers on pink and write your name on purple. Not beside my name. I know it will sting your heart somewhere. Inside the diary, I'll write everything I've written for you, about you with my left hand. It'll look messy all the way. Crooked unlike my right handed handwriting you've praised so many times. It'll take me a few days to write it all. Extra effort but a thousand times less than I could take for you forever if you allow me to. Just a way to spend a few more days with you in at least this way. I don't think I'll have much to write but enough to make the ‘I love you’ and my name in the end, look neat enough after a few days of left handed writing. I'll leave the diary on your doorstep because I don't possess enough strength to look into those eyes hurt by me. For once, pick up that diary and hold it close to your heart. Just once and smile. It's diary and not me so I think you will be able to right? I won't ask you to keep it safe with you for life. It will hurt you whenever you'll see it. Don't burn it please. I hate fire which disrupts. Dig a two feet deep pit and bury my love down. Plant a flowering plant right over it. Any flower of your choice will do. Water it for a few days and watch flowers bloom. Smile with each flower. Do not feel bad. Let the fragrance of those flowers touch your soul and make you happy. A proper burial for something that will keep breathing till the moment you'll say it should not live anymore. I swear I don't want to let it die and I'll try to keep it alive but I really don't know how. Is this all too much to ask?
This account is my third home where my heart lives. After first home where I stay with my parents and second home, you, where my soul stays. We know that I've built this on my own but we also know that on every wall there's some thing written in your name. Every wall is joined with love. This, our home, is roofless. It pours but now I know how to feel the warmth of jovial summer with you beside even when all drenched in ice cold rain of sad monsoons. Dried autumn leaves enter without permission reminding us of the dead moments but now I know how to lay them beside flowers of spring and add more colours to them. I've smiled and cried both wholeheartedly while building this. I know even if I won't find you anywhere else, I'll find you here. At our home. Always. I'll lay beside you with the sky as our roof and count broken stars. Broken yet stars. I haven't seen a single shooting star but have seen many 11:11s and wished upon each of them, have asked the universe to keep you happy even if not make you smile often. Planets do align themselves in a straight line and multiple constellations do connect together to form our names beside each other, in my head. But you don't fall in love with me even in my head. It's okay. You do smile from the bottom of your heart in my head and to see it happening for real is all I'll ever want.
You're spreading a lot of smiles since a day or two. Thank you @writersnetwork